[ToeJam]

Well, back in hospital again and though the purpose was not si orientated, a scare in the early hours of Monday has changed my perspective on things

Possible trigger:

up until then my cutting has been relatively superficial... But on this occasion I went much deeper than I even realised whilst enraged at myself... Required a trip to another hospital for it to be treated

As such 'I' (irrespective of others voicing concern) have decided that I need to curb what has been my main grounding technique for sometime. I negotiated a care plan with the ward consultant to help me do this.

With that said... Isn't it odd that when you try to stop something, some of what is going on around you heightens the desire or specifically draws your attention to it -

A friendship I developed on another ward (a bunch of us were moved after 3 weeks due to the special nature of the ward we had previously been on) had been a little insistant on questioning me about why I self harm and how... I refused to tell her, explaining that people have their own reasons, that it is very personal to them... And if she wanted my honest advice, I'd not even consider starting in hindsight as it's addictive + what starts off as small and occasional, becomes proggressivly worse and more frequent.

Well last night, she calls me at 1 in the morning to tell me she's smuggled some items onto the ward and had experimented so as to understand what 'I' get out of it... To make matters worse she started talking about going that extra step further... I firmly and calmly demanded that she hand the items to a member of staff or if due to nerves to wrap them in tissue and flush down the toilet, she relented and took them to a staff member. I've since spoken to her and brought up 'boundaries' - that at this time, talking about si is particularly uncomfortable for me and that for her and my self care, she really needs to talk to staff as 1. We're both in patients due to our inability to cope in the community right now and 2. I don't want to inadvertently being putting thoughts in her head when I'm having a wobbly moment.

The second issue surrounds my consultants demand that I isolate myself less and try to come out into the communal area... Well on doing for the first time, some random girl sat next to me, told me she'd had a bad night then lifted her jumper sleeve to show off 2 rather deep cuts on her wrists.. I must have given my blank look as she turned to speak to someone else... Inside though I was thinking 'wtf is this... Some test of jinx to test my resolve and commitment?

[Fuzzybear]

Hey TJ I'm so sorry you're going through this I don't have many words Good for you for bringing up boundaries (and for being honest without being "brutal" - not everyone can do that sadly )

Keeping you in my thoughts (things have to get better for both of us, right )

[Fizzyo]

Hey TJ you have shown such wisdom and strength, despite being 'unwell' enough to be in hospital!!!

You have my deepest respect.

Kudos to you. The very best of luck and support to keep up your determination.

[ToeJam]

Thanks for the messages of support... Sunday morning and not si'd once since the incident on Monday. This might not seem like much but my si up to that point had become progressively aggressive (self) and frequent and had led to more than a few staff interventions (including my room being stripped and being forced to wear seclusion clothing whilst also being on 1:1 observation (including toilet and shower moments) which was a little disconcerting.

Been finding things hard as I still feel trapped on the ward, isolated and getting impulsive urges... But I've stuck to my side of the negotiation I had with my psychiatrist.

Well done, TJ!

[gayleggg]

Good for you. Baby steps are important.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Fizzyo]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

Thanks for the messages of support... Sunday morning and not si'd once since the incident on Monday. This might not seem like much but my si up to that point had become progressively aggressive (self) and frequent and had led to more than a few staff interventions (including my room being stripped and being forced to wear seclusion clothing whilst also being on 1:1 observation (including toilet and shower moments) which was a little disconcerting.

Been finding things hard as I still feel trapped on the ward, isolated and getting impulsive urges... But I've stuck to my side of the negotiation I had with my psychiatrist.

Well done TJ, that's a long time as far as I'm concerned!

Congratulations,even if you don't feel it, it's a huge achievement. I hope you find the strength to keep up the good work, but whatever, that's got to be progress.

[TheOriginalMe]

Hey there. Well done for looking after you. Taking that first step is always the hardest.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( TJ )))))))))

[ToeJam]

Had an awkward and uncomfortable moment earlier. My wife brought in some clothes that she'd washed and folded neatly into a couple of rucksacks... Unbeknownst to her (or I for that matter) I must have absent mindedly placed an item in one of the pockets (she is reluctant for obvious reasons to go rummaging in pockets or places I might have put things down without thought due to absent mindedness).

I sat in my room (still in hospital and not self harmed in a week) just staring at it... Only thing that stopped me using it at all was the thought I might go to far again and what that might make my wife feel in the wake of (I always try to ensure that responsibility lies on me)... So I did in the end go and speak to a nurse (one I've known on all three of my stays and as such knows me well) and after some discussion we went back to my room and I handed it over (wrapped in tissue so she wouldn't hurt herself).

About an hour later I was kicking myself and was rummaging through everything to see if another would show up (which it didn't). Glad now that I type this in the early hours of the morning... Not told my wife as I don't see the point nor do I want her to worry.

[TheOriginalMe]

Thanks for sharing this with us. You showed great resolve and I think that makes you much stronger than you are feeling.