[cleomaru]

i'm getting freaking tired of mysel,f i hate doing it but i didn't really want to stop, ................. but, damnit.........i want someon ehere so bad :*(

"don't kick the puppy" ~ j.e.p.

[Zenobia]

I understand the feeling of wanting to stop but not wanting too. It has been a feeling that has haunted me for eons. Why should I stop? This is what I have asked myself over and over again. There are three answers that I have been given by non-injurers but they don't hold any salt with me. How can they tell me why I should stop when they have never taken a blade to themselves? How dare they make me feel like...how do I say this without cussing? How dare they make me feel like the stuff on the bottom of my shoe when they have never felt the need that roils through my body?

But I do want to quit. And this is why. I want to quit because I want to feel. As long as I cut I will never be able to feel because I will continue to block out those feelings that hurt and frighten me so much. I will continue to run away from them and never work through them. I will never be able to be whole and be free from the monsters that inhabit the back of my head. That is why I want to stop. But I don't want to face those monsters. They scare me. They make me want to hide behind the pain then the dissociation.

I know this isn't a lovey dovey peaceful hold your hand reply. I am sorry for that. It is just that I truely hope you don't cut tonight because if you can keep from cutting tonight you will be on step closer to being free of your monsters. If you do cut, they will still be there for another day and hopefully together we can make them go away forever.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[cleomaru]

try naltrexone, i swear it works like magic

"don't kick the puppy" ~ j.e.p.

[Zenobia]

works for what? Making the monsters go away?
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[cleomaru]

cutting

"don't kick the puppy" ~ j.e.p.

[Zenobia]

what is naltrexone?

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[cleomaru]

it's a uhm, opiate blocker, somehow it blocvks the chemical that your brain releases when you cut so you don't need to do it anymore

"don't kick the puppy" ~ j.e.p.

[Zenobia]

How would blocking the release help with the craving? I mean isn't the reason you crave it is because you are not getting it so you cut to get it? It would seem to me that you would have to go through the same withdrawel problems that you would be just stopping cold turkey. Just wondering.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[cleomaru]

i'm not sure, ask your doc, i mean i know i didn't cut to "get high:" or anything............. but i swear, it's like magic, i can't explain it,......

"don't kick the puppy" ~ j.e.p.

[SweetCrusader]

I have heard of that drug. It's mostly used in purely biologically based disorders that involve forms of self-injury-- like various forms of mental retardation, Tourettes, autism, stuff like that. There is an idea out there that people get addicted to the "high" of self-injuring literally because it releases natural opiates in your brain and that if they can stop that release, you will not self-injure. Studies have shown that it has some effectiveness in reducing self-injury, but more with the disorders listed above and not as much with those of us who are addicted to the soothing potential, or blocking potential, or that feeling that we are alive and feeling something again. Actually, antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs have been more effective from the information I've read.

SweetCrusader

[kimboboo]

Zenobia, thanks for your post. It really sums up how I feel sometimes.

Kim