[PlanningtoLive]

After several months of not SIing, I started again tonight at work. I was doing so well.......fighting impulses.

Since I've stopped taking all those meds and just stayed on the Lexapro, it has been very hard. I have no T anymore, no one in 3D who even cares to listen.

I have called my doc to talk about some kind of med and what he did was called that psych hospital and put it in a referral for me hoping it would speed up the waiting list I'm on for maybe June. No response from them and my doc won't put me on anything because it "isn't his field" - never stopped him before.

Didn't want to go back to the pill pusher doc here in town, but I'm getting desperate. I was so angry, stressed, and irritable tonight at my job and then by accident I was wrapping up some food and the cutter on the box of the saranwrap (sp?) scrapped my wrist.

It felt so good - no blood but the sensation was great. I wanted more, but walked away. The rest of the night I kept telling myself to stay away from it and battling the voices in my head that were encouraging me to cut.......to enjoy the pain.........to FEEL and SEE the blood.

I have been so depressed that I simply didn't have the will power to refuse and so I went back into the kitchen and cut myself on my wrist. It wasn't enough so I took my small blade on my keychain (I've never been able to throw it away, I did try before) and made numerous more cuts that bled.

The worse part is I'm glad - I know that is wrong, but I want more. It felt good to release my stress. I have no outlet anymore, not since March. It has been building for so long that it finally burst out. I have this crazy urge to cut my entire arm.........so far I have resisted that one.

It all came back - the rush, the sensations of letting out the frustration and pain...it was wonderful.

This is not good.

[Fuzzybear]

You have been doing so well ... keep fighting this. You are in my thoughts ((((((((((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))))))))

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You made it how many months this time? It's ok that you slipped. You can quit again, and this time maybe you can make it for a longer time.

I wish that the things going on in your life would settle down and you could have some peace. You'll have to make that happen by working towards it little by little. I wish that you didn't have to wait for someone to help you. May is more than half over, though, and June is next month. I know that you can hang on that much longer.

Wendy

<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>

[heatherm]

((((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))))

You are doing well. It is ok to go back a couple of steps....you are under a great deal of stress. I know you will get through this. All of us are here for you ok?

xoxo


Heather

[PlanningtoLive]

I am trying so hard, Fuzzy....

*************hugs*****************

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Had to have been almost 4 or 5 months. Work is stressful, and well, home is home.

There is no guarantee about June. And September is even further till I can go back and see my former T.

Today we received some money from when he and Alex were in a car accident last month. The money was for him and Alex......not just him.

The check from the insurance company was made out to both of us - me since I am the mom. You should have heard the abuse I got subjected to when he realized that I also had to sign the back of that check. He had planned on taking ALL of the money and only giving Alex half of what he should be receiving. We're not talking exactly small amounts here.

I was livid. I refused to sign the check till I went with him to the bank and made sure that my son didn't get screwed over by his father........I was so angry. See my name is on Alex's accounts, not my husband's. I got called every 4 letter word and then some.

I took my son's money, went to our normal bank, deposited it and then proceeded to buy my son some clothes that he needed for the summer.

I am amazed at the depth that my husband will sink to in order to get money from someone - no matter who they are.

At this rate, my whole arm will be in shreds. He and I are not even talking right now - just when necessary. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

It just doesn't seem like I am doing well. I'm faking it really well, but underneath is something different and it finally came out.

Plus the issue at home, someone at work is trying to cause problems for me. Then I have to see my surgeon Thursday since the nerve damage to my leg is permanent unless he can operate again and repair the damage.

Oh yea, one of my creditors has filed in court and I have an appt. with a lawyer to file bankruptcy........life just can't get better.

[sigh]

I hope YOU are doing ok with everything on your plate.

xoxoxox

[heatherm]

(((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))

I wish I could use a magic wand here to wipe away all of your suffering.

I went the same route as you hun regarding meeting with a lawyer but was able to avoid it as we have credit counselling orgs here in Canada (not sure what they are called in the US?) and I was able to work with them to avoid filing for bankruptcy. Is there anything I can do to help?

Gosh hun....I am so sorry . I am worried about you.


Heather

[LadyDragus]

((((((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))))))))))

It seems like every time we pick ourselves up someone shoves us back down..
But we hve to be strong..
we both need to be..
I feel tonite and I feel hard.
We need to help ok..

<font color=purple>
The light is around me now
I see it so clearly now
I feel him in my heart
Lord God has set me free.
Let me rejoice in you
Let me be free
I love the lord God.
I have been Saved by your Grace and love today...04/11/04

[PlanningtoLive]

I'm putting things off lately - I used to be right on top of things, getting them done. Not anymore. I don't care if I arrive to work on time........it's like "whatever" they don't extend themselves to help me, so...........

My husband acts like everything is fine again. I have a hard time forgetting/forgiving when someone tries to harm or take from my son.

They have those types of counselors here as well, but I can't afford to make payments. Everything I make goes to bills and keeping him content. I'm still on my hands and knees begging at Alex's school and keeping the principal updated on things.

I am going so far into being depressed and I just keep walking into it. I also know that my carpal tunnel in my right hand is getting worse. I can type, but writing causes such pain in my hand and arm - it almost locks up my fingers from moving. I should go see my doc about that.

I appreciate your concern. I'm getting ready to go see my surgeon and I'm not looking forward to this at all. [sigh]

Are you doing okay? You didn't say........

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{Trish}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I have too much weighing me down lately. I kept trying to get back up, now I simply don't care. I know I need to get back on some meds for my mood swings and depression, but my doc won't prescribe anything and the other is a matter of waiting.

Lately my idea of being strong is being alive. The rest there is no more guarantee on.

[Rapunzel]

Mary Alice,

Maybe it's not such a bad thing that you are not always right on top of everything. You can be such a perfectionist, and not leave yourself any slack. Somewhere in between is a happy medium - try to aim for that.

Good luck with the surgeon, carpal tunnel (been there too - not fun!), and everything else!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Wendy

<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>

[LadyDragus]

well that is better than nothing..

I love you with all my heart and that will never change.. you know that right

<font color=purple>

[alm15]

There must be something in the air. So many of us are having a hard time right now. I'm so sorry you're hurting. You will come out of it at some point. We all will if we just hold on. My heart goes out to you.
About the carple tunnel, my doc gave me a brace to wear at night when I sleep. It makes a huge difference. If you don't have a brace and can't afford to go get one at Wal Mart or something, do you have an ace bandage? That would work as well. Good luck to you! Life can be a bugger, I know. Just hang in there! Annie

[Zenobia]

Mary Alice,
I wish I could help you wipe a few of these things of your list of troubles. I am so proud of you for staying strong and making sure that Alex got his money into his own accounts. That is so wonderful.

About the medication. I know this is going to sound silly but I read about Fish oil...Omega 3 and Omega 6 oils...are extremely helpful in smoothing out some of the bumps in brain functioning. I have been using it for almost a month along with a potent mega vitamin with Selenium in it and have had excellent results. I know it isn't like getting the meds from the doctor but since that option is being denied you right now it couldn't hurt to try the fish oil. I have been taking one 1000mg tablet twice a day and have found my mood has stablized substantially. My sister uses St. John's Wort for a mood elevater and swears by it. I haven't tried that so can't say anything but she loves it.

You have been in my thoughts, take care and be kind to yourself,
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[Rapunzel]

My sister has recommended Fish Oil to me also (because of the Omega 3 and Omega 6 fatty acids, which have been shown to enhance the effect of antidepressants). I try to get those from diet instead - fish, nuts, etc. So, Mary Alice, you might want to think about that. It is a good suggestion. If you are bipolar, you need to be careful with SJW though. It can cause mania.

Wendy

<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I keep trying to get ahold of a doctor who will see me.......tomorrow (or today actually), I'm going back to see the pill pusher I think. I can't continue this way, with my mood swings at work, it is really bad.

When doing something until it is the best is beaten into you, it isn't easy to stop the fear from overtaking you when you don't reach that plateau. It cripples you because you wait for the proverbial axe to fall.

I'll check into the fish oil that you and Carrie recommended.......thank you for the tip. I frequent Walgreens way too much.

Saw my surgeon - what a waste of time. He wants to wait 2 more months and then if it continues, run more tests and stick me with a needle in my back again for something.....gave me the shivers just thinking about it. Now I wait till July 29th.

My doc is going to Norway on Sunday for 2 weeks, so talking to him is impossible. I guess he is giving a series of lectures out there. I understand his importance in his research, it just frustrates me.

oxoxox

[PlanningtoLive]

Trish, ditto.

xoxoxoxo

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{Annie}}}}}}}}}}}}} thank you.

I have a brace, for both hands actually. The right doesn't help anymore unfortunately. I've been getting by for several years with them, till now.

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I've missed you.

Alex has never had a pet - his father has always threatened to kill anything that came into the house that would need taking care of.

Tonight we went to the mall to get him some more summer clothes and they had some hermit crabs for sale with little aquarium type containers and food, etc.

He's been after me for ages to get one esp. since they are in cages........I've always refused. Yuck. Tonight was different. He was so eager for one, had tears in his eyes as he asked me. Me, being such a softie, finally gave in........ended up getting the large cage, 2 hermit crabs (they like company), a bathing bowl for them and food.

Alex's face lit up like an xmas tree. We bought an empty shell as well because one of them will be needing a new one soon, I was told. He named them already - one has an orange shell and he is called Hermie. The other one is smaller, with a yellow spotty shell, and of course, Spot is his name.

I even let the creature crawl on me.......I think I'm beginning to like them - lol. Alex is so happy - and that is what mattered. The things cost a fortune, geez. But they are alive, versus his "stuffed" animals.

It will teach him to take care of something too - to know that Hermie & Spot count on him.

The things I do......lol.

[bptoo]

Mary Alice,

I can't pretend that I understand what you go thru when this happens, I don't. But I do know that you are my friend, I love you, and I will stand by you no matter what. Like so many of my dear friends here, you are a special beat of my heart. You are a special lady, please don't lose sight of that.

Love and Hugs,
Greg



"Beauty is truth, truth is beauty - that is all you know on earth, and all you need to know"

[LadyDragus]

****** smooches ********



<font color=purple>

[Zenobia]

My daughter had hermit crabs. She loved them. Thinking about it makes me smile.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

[PlanningtoLive]

Greg, you've always been so sweet to me........thank you very much. I have always held you in very high regard - you're an exceptional person.

Your words meant alot - I've been feeling lately that after almost a year here, my presence means nothing except to a select few - and I'm grateful that you are one of them.

Thank you again.

xoxoxox

[Fuzzybear]