1. I cut for the attention it gave me. Attention from doctors, therapist, nurses, family, what friends I had left. Bad attention was better than no attention at all.

1.It took me years to admit this, but once I did the true healing began. I hated that people told me I was attention seeking. It was true and thats why it hurt.

2. I liked being in the hospital. I did not have to deal with the stress of life. It was easier being in the hospital because I did not have to deal with problems at all. I was addicted to the hospital and I got attention there!

2. I started noticing that while I was in the hospital I wanted out and when I was out I wanted in. Everything that I did in the hospital I could do as outpaitent with support. Plus at home I can watch TV when I want, I can do coping skills that work for me that you can't do in the hospital do to saftey reasons. I utilized the partial hospitalization much. That way I was in the hospital only part of the day.

3. After not SI for months I started getting positive attention that was better than bad attention. It seemed like people started coming around more and offered more help. My mom was my biggest support. I could call her or show up at her door at 3 AM and she would make tea and talk. (After she got treatment for herself!) The better I did the more I wanted to do to show that I could be stable and self sufficent.

4. After a while of doing well I decided that if I can stay stable I would go back to school and do what I had to do to become a DBT counselor or work in a hospital with Self injurers. In short term hospitals they dont realy seem to understand what is behind SI. I am still working on the proving I am totally stable part. I will not do this until I am ready because you can't preach what you can't do yourself.

5. After being pretty stable for some time I met my husband, got married, and had my daughter. This give me even more reasons to stay stable.

[gostryter]

that's a great understanding you have of why you were si-ing!

depending on what i'm doing (cut, burn, other, etc) for me the why is more about punishing myself and/or releasing anxiety (i can get such a high from si-ing sometimes)

i don't think it's about attention for me because no one ever knew! i kept it a closely guarded secret!! all mine!!! i just had to tell my doc and then the hospital because it was getting way out of hand and i was afraid of what i'd do next

i can relate about the being in the hospital - having just been - it was nice NOT having to stress about work, paying bills, mowing the lawn, doing laundtry and on and on.....but being in the hospital was insanely boring!! and was a stressor in itself....i think i'd like the partial thing...but i don't think we have anything like that....plus i have to work.....

awesome goals....career choice and taking care of your own family!!

[RiverX]

Hi Gostryter and Twirls,
Today I did some exploring on the net and came up with this:
http://www.selfmutilatorsanonymous.org

You might find it helpful. It is anothe way to pass on experience and help others, or to get help to abstain too.

I have a habit of a kind of self harm but its not physical harm. I have been able to abstain for periods using contracts with others in fellowhship, that was a differeint fellowship, than the above, but they probably work on similar basis. Let me know if you check it out how you get on.

I'm waiting with baited breath for how gostrter got on with T today?

River.

[sujunew]

thanks for the link river. the site looks really interesting and positive, but I must admit that I am not ready to utilise it yet. Also, I am a little put-off by the use of the phrase "self-mutilation"- I hate the sound of it! But I have bookmarked the site for future reference.

(((((twirls))))) congrats on getting to where you are today. It is a long hard struggle but it must all be worth it. Admitting it to yourself is sometimes the hardest step to take.

I did not know that anything like this exsisted. Thanks for the link. Sorry it took so long to reply I moved the last two days.

[RiverX]

Hi twirls and irishsj,

Yeah, I wonder why they chose such a grim name!
I hope its good, I dont qualify exactly enough to be able to go there and investigate myself.

I have been reading the posts about the s.i., and I feel I maybe should do a post about this to let people know its there as a resource.
I have been in other 12 step groups myself and would recommend them, they help you to get help to get off the destructive behaviour, and also it does help you to go deeper into working on your issues as you work through the steps.
I have had a lot of help from the fellowships but found there was information missing which I still needed, I couldnt heal some of my underlying issues (yet), I had a pd and needed and still do need to deal with this specifically. I tried therapy with crazymaking results . Planning next moves, taking time to consider, and listening and reading here I think is helping me.

RiverX

[LittleMilly]

CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!