making it obvious

I have spent years trying to hide my self harm.

I know that people now know, inevitable I guess after 12 years. But they still don't actually see it. I don't feel comfortable with that, even when they tell me it's ok.

But I have been getting really strong urges to self harm in places that I cannot hide. I don't know how long I can fight them tbh.

I don't want to make it obvious, but I find myself craving that somehow. I don't get it.

I think there is a great need in each of us to be recognized at our deepest levels. And if one effort toward that end doesn't work, then there can be a strong urge to try something more obvious.

Personally I've given up on ever being recognized. It's simply too late. And I know it's just not going to happen. It's not in the cards, as the saying goes. To be perfectly honest, I don't know if I could even handle being recognized at my deepest levels. There's a sense in which the image is frightening. But since realistically it's not going to happen anyway, I don't really have to worry about it. Instead I just breathe into the idea, smile to it, & strive to accept it... with compassion.

Hi whisperingskye

You don't feel comfortable with that.......the urges are strong........but you still don't want to make it obvious........
Could it be that it's more about you wanting them to see the pain, the hurt, whatever's behind or leading to the SH than them actually seeing the SH (more clearly?).......and sometimes those kinds of things can be real difficult to express, right?
Even if you can get to the point of actually wanting to talk (more clearly?) about them!
Or maybe..........you know people know.........they're telling you it's OK........you're interpreting it as they don't see it as a real concern.........they're not really caring that much, really trying to help..........they don't seem to care so much about you, so you don't care so much about you (?)......and maybe you're feeling more alone even......all escalating the want/need to SH and the intensity of it??

Maybe I'm wrong on both counts.........but either way..........the fact that you don't deep down want it to escalate..........use it/hold on tight to that, hey?
That can be a strength against............
By now you probably have some strategies you've found as well that can help a little at times.........so use them as much as you can.........I know that at times nothing will have helped but if you can just try to use them as much as you can
And if some of those strategies have passed their "use-by-date"..........then maybe there could be some different ones you can explore??
And........if you can keep reaching out.........keep telling people e.g. on here, about the pain, the hurt, about whatever's behind or leading to the SH.........it can be real hard to go it alone..........and there's definitely a lot of heartfelt support on here

Alison

I think the problem is that recently everyone seems to think I'm doing ok. I seem to have perfected my mask too well again. I need to reach out for help but I look ok and no one believes I'm struggling this much once more. And it's too hard to put into words.

Well sometimes the mask can be a useful defense against...........but it is great that you want help
And yes, finding the "right" words can be real tough............then sometimes there might not be any "right" words, it can sometimes be more about just starting with saying something and working from there...........
But if you could maybe think of someone who might "get it", or might want to try to "get it"...............and prepare yourself...........write down something that even just touches on how things are for you...........and work from there, either in writing or with them

I'm trying to work on a list of things to mention in an appointment tomorrow. Knowing me I will ignore it. But the thought is there I guess..