[Artchic528]

When I'm upset, like really upset, a sort of anger bubbles from within me and I turn all violent thoughts toward myself. In other words, I have overwhelming feelings of self harming during these "episodes". When I am calm and relaxed, I don't have these feelings. All is fine. However, when I'm triggered, when I'm very upset, all I can see or feel in my mind are ways in which I could hurt myself.

I hadn't actually acted out any of these self harm fantasies or whatever they might be, until about a year and a half ago or thereabouts.

Possible trigger:

I was in an offsite chatroom and things tumbled out of control and I wound up self harming via a piece of broken glass to my forearm.

The wounds were shallow enough that the healed without any scarring, but I felt embarrassed by the scabbing and was constantly trying to hide it until it was gone. Needless to say, I never went back to that chatroom as it clearly wasn't a healthy enough place for me.

I did come dangerously close to self harming before that, though. Once when I was upset, I went down to the kitchen and grabbed a sharp knife from the utensil drawer. It was a small paring knife, and as I was wearing a big pink fluffy bathrobe, I hid it in my robe's pocket so that no one would realize what I was up to, and quickly went back to my room.

Possible trigger:

I sat on my bed for quite a while, knife in my hand, turning it over and watching the sharp metallic blade glinting in the light. I even recall holding the blade of the knife at my forearm, pressing it to my flesh, but I just couldn't make myself go any further.

I tossed the knife onto my dresser and declared to myself that I wasn't a cutter. That self harm just wasn't a part of who I was. And I wasn't until that night with the broken glass.

I never actually told my T or Pdoc about these episodes, and now that I only see my Pdoc, I have more limited options. I don't know why I don't tell them. It's as if I don a mask when I'm at an appointment and falsehoods flow from my mouth and the really bad stuff I temporarily forget about. It's not until I'm leaving that I realize what I've forgotten to discuss.

Besides, I'd like more insight as to why I have these episodes. I always referred to them as psychotic episodes myself, because I'm not of sound body or mind when they occur. Is that an accurate assessment or are they something else entirely?

I am not an expert but when I think of the word psychotic--I equate that with losing touch with reality. What you describe seems more like something in your environment triggered negative emotions like a past trauma or rejection that you have buried. When we self harm or attempt, perhaps we are redirecting our pain in a very illogical way. A very bad coping mechanism. Does this sound like a possibility?

I think it's good you're talking about it.

Like Hoping I believe psychosis is when someone loses touch with reality, may hear and see things which are not really there. This doesn't sound what you are describing.

If you do tell your pdoc they will likely be very familiar with self-harm and it will better equip you both to devise a strategy to cope with these urges. I know some things can feel scary to discuss but they really will have heard this before.

If you feel you'll forget then maybe write it down and carry the paper in your hand, you can use it as a prompt or even hand the paper to them if you prefer.

[Unrigged64072835]

It sounds like you're uncomfortable with being upset and angry. You have the right to feel your feelings, "bad" or not. I get that way sometimes when I'm depressed. I hide in my bedroom getting angry with everybody, then get angry with myself (which lead to sui thoughts). I'm on medication now that reduces those thoughts. So, for example, today when I lost my anniversary band I could be all kinds of pissed off at myself, but surprisingly I'm still calm. If you get another T you can explore this.

[Artchic528]

Thanks all. I've been told that these episodes are indicative of having BPD, but I don't understand how. I told a past T about possibly having BPD and she and I agreed that it didn't sound remotely like the right DX for me.

I know that people with BPD often have deep seeded fears of abandonment, perhaps they even have black and white thinking, but it's the lack of empathy that really doesn't sound like me. I do experience empathy. In fact, recently I felt superbly guilty about moving on from a guy I'd been on a couple of dates with to being with my current BF. I even posted about it in the relationship forum.

Anyways, what do you all think?

[AmandaBroken]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Thanks all. I've been told that these episodes are indicative of having BPD, but I don't understand how. I told a past T about possibly having BPD and she and I agreed that it didn't sound remotely like the right DX for me.

I know that people with BPD often have deep seeded fears of abandonment, perhaps they even have black and white thinking, but it's the lack of empathy that really doesn't sound like me. I do experience empathy. In fact, recently I felt superbly guilty about moving on from a guy I'd been on a couple of dates with to being with my current BF. I even posted about it in the relationship forum.

Anyways, what do you all think?

Just curious? When you have one of these episodes how long do they last?

[Artchic528]

Amanda, they can last anywhere from a few minutes, to an hour or two.

[AmandaBroken]

Originally Posted by Artchic528

Amanda, they can last anywhere from a few minutes, to an hour or two.

I'm not an expert. But that speaks to BPD...

[junkDNA]

This does not sound like psychosis to me. But it does sound like emotion dysregulation

[seesaw]

Ug, it frustrates me so much when people immediately equate self harm with BPD. Many people without BPD self harm and there are lots of different reasons why people do it. When I was self harming, I was going into a dissociative state. It was from my depression and PTSD, and, yes, I was angry. It was not because I had BPD though. I won't hijack the thread to go into why I was cutting and then burning, but, like I said, you can self harm as part of depression, as part of PTSD, schizophrenia, autism...all sorts of reasons.

Also, I personally wouldn't describe having one incident as qualifying as having problems with self harm...you were looking for an outlet for your emotions, and you chose not to do it...I think if you can keep reminding yourself that it's not healthy and to remove all temptations, like don't take knives into your room alone, etc., you will be okay. It doesn't sound like it's a compulsion for you at this point.

Seesaw