[Irine]

hmm...
today my dad told me again he wanted me to search those sources for studies where they give money on the internet. and every times he tells me to do that i get angry in a destructive way. i can`t say exactly why. i don`t know.

and when he went out i had a..bottle? not exaclty a bottle - a tobe? with paint and i sort of hit/slammed it on my head...real strong...damn i feel it is funny.
damn. i don`t call it REALLY SI like cutting yoruself but i know that this momnet i am not free. not being normal and want need to feel pain. (ha! as if it will make anything better...lol...)

strange. MOST of the time i am fine. MORE than fine. i and doing really good in terms of dealing with my life struggel-self hatred. basically - i feel i do NOT hate myself anymore....i sometimes think of myself as of some1 how can almost write a self help book..for may reasons..but i STILL have thos %#@&#! good for nohting self destructive moments.

i think it is strange. i UNDERSTAND everyhting but it still sees to be there....he, you cannot get over it COMPLETELY?
yeah, i knwo part of me likes htis %#@&#!..like it is "cool"but in reality it is NOT

[Irine]

ps-forgive the misspellings it is more misstypings i am just too tired to correct them sorry

[Fuzzybear]

[dalila]

<font color="green">How is that working for you? Why do you feel the need to hurt yourself when your father upsets you? That really shows him! Tell me what do dad and I will clobber myself!

You deserve to be treated with respect. If the way that your father tells you to do things there would be nothing wrong with saying, "Dad, I feel put down, minimalized or whatever when you say things that way." If there is a way he could say it that wouldn't bother you then ask him to do it that way. Please take care of yourself.</font>

[Irine]

hey Dalia-thanks for the idea-but no the strange thing about it that my parents are nice. way too nice. there were times i thought i didn`t deserve all they gave me. i am 1 daughter in the family. 1 kid. and i am very loved and respected and allowed to do all i want. really all. the buy and give me all i want.

i don`t know. am i SPOILT?? i really hate spoilt people who whine all the time and don`t want to deal with life and am not this way!
almost every time my Dad asks me to do something and he does so VERY ordinary way-not disrespect-the thing itself birngs in the fury. basically - even if he tells me to mop the fury-and EVEN IF I PLAN TO DO IT- i am angry. i just hate it being told to do it. and there are thing that don`t interest me like the news, money..(since right now i have no problem with it, thanks God) and such %#@&amp;#!. but i KNOW that it IS important and thath makes me sometimes feel rediculous about myslef.

you see i am SO "in the clouds" in my inner worlds. i do not have a lot of friends, i do not need to have a job, i hate lintening to the new because the disturb my peace of mind..i know that i am a bit too much there..and when money jobs and such are menitoned i sometimes feel like %#@&amp;#! because i am not independent yet..finansically, but i have no time to be. when i finish studies wih God`s help, i will have a job and become independent.

sorry for this always getting SO %#@&amp;#! LONG
but that`s the bromlem it`s kinda weird....


thaks for the empathy, Fuzzy.

[silver_queen]

Maybe it's because you are angry at your parentst hat you're not being allowed to be independent from them, and that is causing anger which you express against yourself rather than against your parents?

[Irine]

probably..hahamm...thanks for the analitical approuch. seems like in my case it should work.

but they DO allow me to be independent. i just go along instead of insisting on indepepdence because it IS COMFORTABLE......so it IS my choice..let`s say they make my life easy.

anyways i knwo that keep thinking that way won`t male things better.

thanks agian