I don’t think I’ll ever stop

It has gone on for too long. I just don’t know how to cope without cutting.

I know it’s not healthy but it’s all I’ve got.

You are feeling pretty hopeless about it right now.

I am. I just don’t know how this will ever change, it’s been a big part of my life for too long.

I know what you are going through. I feel the same way, too. Sometimes I feel hopeless, like I'll never be able to stop hurting myself and feeling like I deserve it. But I broke free of it for about 6 months. (A really good record for me!) Those were my best six months. I was happy and hopeful. If I can do it, you can do it! What helped me begin those six months was finally finding the right medicine for me. (And making sure you take it ever day!) I did a lot of soul searching, and meditating, trying to find myself and become comfortable and confident in my body and myself. I started going to the gym regularly. When I was at the gym jogging I was able to not think bad thoughts. And slowly those bad thoughts that haunt us started going away. And then after a while, the bad thoughts were gone. Gone for 6 months. I didn't cut myself for 6 months. A record for me. I was so proud of myself. Unfortunately lately I have started again. But I am staying positive because a lapse is different than a relapse. And I know that if I stopped once, I can stop again! I try to have more faith in myself this time around. This is my story to you about how I was able to stop my self harm and depression for a while last summer. I just want you to know that it will eventually stop. I don't know if my experiences will help you or not. But it WILL stop, when the time is right and you are ready. Stay strong my friend Message me if you ever need anything or just want to vent/talk. Everyone at PC is here for you

I once did 11 months, but it was about ten years ago now...since then my longest has probably been 2-3 months. I know it’s possible, and other people have beat this thing, it just seems a log way off. But thanks for your message of hope, it helps.

I hope your lapse remains just a lapse and you get a hold of this again soon.

What do you find helps, and what interferes, with staying away from SI?

I think keeping busy is the only thing that really helps, but that is not easy in reality. I was busy throughout December, I was working full time and it exhausted me. There were times I wanted to SI but I was just too tired to bother. I have since gone back down to my contracted three days a week, and everything seems to be catching up with me now.

Working full time wasn’t that healthy for me, I don’t think I was ready. But part time isn’t the answer either. I need to learn new coping mechanisms but I just don’t know what could replace the SI.

How are you doing now?

It’s hard to say really. I mean, I haven’t self harmed for a week or so. But now my brain is headed towards worse things, and I’m getting suicidal again. Which is just great...

I tend to get to a stage where I know cutting just isn’t gonna help so I don’t even bother, I think that’s where I’m at now. It’s not a good place to be..

What/who can help/support you in getting back to a healthier place?

I’m not really sure. I’ve never really managed to get on top of it before ending up in full on crisis mode. My care coordinator is at least aware that I’m going downhill again, and I see her again Tuesday. She said there was room to increase my meds if necessary. My girlfriend is being supportive too, I think it helps a lot knowing she is there because I don’t want to do anything that would hurt her.