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#81
Are you saying that it might be helpful:
—to experience someone else’s unhealthy anger (so as to learn how to tolerate it) and/or —to experience someone else’s healthy anger (to learn what healthy anger is like)? Hugs, Bill Last edited by Bill3; Jul 13, 2019 at 10:20 AM.. |
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#82
Thanks MsSunflower and Bill3. I think what I'm saying is that it might be helpful to experience someone else's healthy anger and try to tolerate that and learn from that. I've experienced a lot of unhealthy anger from others and I haven't learned how to tolerate that, I just dissociate. Former T tried to help with the expressing healthy anger but it just scared me and I would go away in my head. By drawing mandalas which my T suggested, I did get a memory back of what it was like before getting punished and I was able to tap into some feelings of sadness (though not anger) but I think that I might have to go through the sadness to get to the terror to get to the anger. I haven't cut yet. It's been 52 days. I'm working on it. The urges are strong but I have a PCP appointment at the end of the month and then my sister's kids are visiting at the beginning of August so I don't want to do anything that might lead to stitches. I'm trying to hang in there. I'm having lots of urges today but if I can get distracted enough I can get through them. HUGS Kit
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Bill3, scapegoat0001
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Bill3
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#83
It's been 55 days. I'm close to cutting. I don't think I can hold out much longer. Its dominating my thoughts. I've been going through my bag of tricks...deep breathing, journalling, coming to PC, drawing, etc. I just think it's not working right now. It's hard to keep my head focused on the goal when I feel like how I feel. Its going to win, sooner or later, if not today another day. I'm going to try to hold out. Failure looms large.
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Bill3
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#84
A lapse is not failure.
The occasional lapse is a part of the recovery and healing process. It happens. Until one day it doesn't happen! It can be a signpost on the road to greater healing. A lapse is not failure. HUGS |
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SlumberKitty
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#85
Thanks Bill3. I haven't lapsed (yet) but I feel closer to it. I'm still trying things in my bag of tricks, emailing my former T, playing with my kitties, sewing little tee shirt dresses for my dog etc. You're right though. I need to reframe lapsing so that I don't think of it as a failure and then dig myself deeper into a hole. I will work on that. Thanks for the encouragement! HUGS Kit
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#86
I have to talk to my T tonight about my recent (10 days ago) SH. I had this sticky thought in my head that I had to
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#87
Quote:
Quote:
Maybe you don’t know why it was soothing, but nevertheless it was in fact soothing! 🙂 (Repetitive actions often can be soothing, e.g. saying the Rosary.) Hugs! |
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#88
Thanks Bill. I had a really good session with T last night. We talked a lot about a lot of things. She helped me with some hallucinations.
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#89
I'm definitely in a self harm cycle. This is two days in a row where I have self-harmed. I definitely am doing some protective measures like staying busy in the evenings and spending time with friends. I'm also engaging in riskier behaviors like self-harming at work. Generally I'm alone in my office but there is always that chance someone could walk by or someone could come to see me. So self-harming at work isn't the best idea. I try to not do it there much but two days in a row I have self-harmed at work, in my office. There's definitely a push and pull for and against me. There is part of me that wants to stop this behavior right now and part of me that wants to keep going until my arms are messed up. I think this is called ambivalence. I think part of it is in response to my T session last Friday where my T didn't really take my suicidal idealation seriously. So now I have to prove that I can mess myself up. I know how messed up that sounds. It's also soothing the suicidal idealation so part of it is about relieving that feeling inside of wanting to die, in a healthier way than by suicide. My head definitely feels in a bad space. I'm not doing what is healthy for me and that's a problem.
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#90
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#91
There's also something in me that is saying the wound isn't "bad" enough and that I didn't punish myself enough. I have to be reacting to something. Not sure what it is exactly. Maybe T's lack of empathetic response. Maybe because I'm planning on telling T about some Trauma I had in my past next session.
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