My self harm journey

I've been putting Aquaphor on my wounds and have been keeping them covered. They are actually healing quite nicely. I'm torn about this. On one hand, I am glad they are healing and the Aquaphor keeps them from being itchy, but on the other hand, it's like, it kind of scares me that they are going away and that once they go away my pain won't be visible. I've never used Aquaphor before but my sister recommended it.

Tattoo uploaded by Kaitlynn Haught • My first tattoo #firsttattoo #SemiColon #kitty #cat #wrist #wristtattoo • 614054 • Tattoodo

I am getting my first tattoo on July 2nd. I wanted to do it before my birthday but they didn't have a time that would work for me.

The semi colon is because of my struggles with mental illness, self harm, and suicide and the kitty cat whiskers are because my kitty cats help me through it.

I'm getting it on the inside of my wrist. I will have to do the left one because the right one is too messed up with scars. I messaged the shop and asked them if they would do it even though I self harm and he was like, yeah no problem.

I will have to hide it from my parents because they are anti-tattoo but I am looking forward to it. My sister and my niece are going to get the semi colon (without the cat whiskers) for me.

Argh. I just had a friend tell me that she hopes my self harm wounds hurt a lot so I won't be tempted to do that again. Sigh. I'm not even irritated because this friend frequently says things I disagree with. I am just rolling my eyes.

I mean would someone say that to someone who had cancer or diabetes? Of course not. That would be insensitive.

Just can't believe people sometimes.

Just texted my parents about the tattoo I want to get. I explained why I want to get it and what it means. (The semi-colon one.) I haven't heard back from them. Hopefully they let me do it. I mean I am an adult. But if they totally freak out I probably won't be able to.

Some people lack certain perspectives, it’s not their fault, they are just lacking certain experiences, as we all do in one way or another..
Your friend sounds like she doesn’t understand your self harm. Some don’t understand deep addiction or even depression, it’s ok, it’s actually good, for them.
But it means they will say things about our issues that are ignorant and seemingly insensitive, when sometimes they just don’t understand and are frustrated because they are unable to help.

I’m still thinking about this mountain in me.
I don’t think it’s fear. I think it may be all of my potential, all the wonderful things I could achieve, the person I want and could be.
The force I use to push against my potential is addiction, it nullifies all possibilities of it manifesting, and numbs all that latent fear that comes with trying to achieve a “better self”.
But I still cannot pin down the source of the motive behind the resistance.
How did it get to this?

I won’t write any more on this in your thread, I was just wondering if you also have a mountain..

Hi ReptileInYourHead

First, I don't mind at all if you write about your mountain on this thread. I like hearing your perspectives and comments.

Second, I think I must have a mountain. I don't know what it is that is blocking me from recovering fully from self harm but something is because I have been doing it too dang long. And I have tried and tried and tried to give it up.

I don't know if it is abandonment, loneliness, being an "outsider" or maybe just plain old anxiety. But there's something.

Hugs to you my friend.

Kit

I sent my parents a text message with an image of the tattoo that I am planning to get on the 2nd. Technically I am an adult and can do whatever I want, but since I live with them, I try to take their wishes into account.

Communicating by text with my parents is how I usually bring up difficult topics.

I think my Dad will be fine with it but I can guarantee my Mom won't be happy.

I usually call them on my lunch break....in about half an hour, so I might get an earful then!

As anticipated, my Mom isn't thrilled about me getting a tattoo, but she didn't chew me out or anything. I didn't speak to my Dad but I know he will be okay with it. I really wanted to get it done before my birthday but it is going to happen after. My goal in Aftercare last night was to have this conversation with my parents. I hope it counts that I started the conversation on text message and then followed up with a phone call! The therapist didn't know what the conversation was going to be about but he was like very much encouraging me to talk to my folks.

i wish you felt strong enough to not do self harms, i know how hard stopping is though, no judgement from me

My current no self harm contract ends with my therapist at 5 PM today. I don't think I need to renew it though. I am not feeling like I am going to relapse. I think I will be okay. I can always reinstate it later if I get to not feeling good.

I think it’s great that you decided to get a tattoo
It’s a meaningful way to commemorate something important, in a visual way upon your very flesh, the ink, the blood, the pain and finally the art. I hope it will remind you of something whenever you see it, something helpful.

Let me see if I can sort out the words to explain something I have been wrestling with since my relapse.

There is literally no place I can go for medical help for my self harm without the threat of hospitalization. Even though for me self harm and suicide are very different things. I've been trying to talk through it with multiple people and basically almost everyone is telling me the same sorts of things. Mostly that when you present like that, pretty much everyone is going to stick you with a psych evaluation.

This is disheartening for me. Because I know myself. And I know when I need that upper level of care and when I don't. Sometimes I just need the wounds dealt with medically.

But since pretty much everyone is telling me the same thing, maybe it is time for me to adjust my expectations, and just know that if I do this again, I will likely end up IP. Dang it.

Since I don't see myself getting better any time soon--if anything I am falling apart--I should just give up and do whatever and be damned the consequences.

I can't really answer if I would seek out medical attention for my wounds or just treat them myself. I would like to think I would seek medical help. But IP. I mean it wasn't helpful.

It's making me more depressed than usual.

slumber, you dont deserve to be hurting

((((((SlumberKitty))))))))

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty I've been putting Aquaphor on my wounds and have been keeping them covered. They are actually healing quite nicely. I'm torn about this. On one hand, I am glad they are healing and the Aquaphor keeps them from being itchy, but on the other hand, it's like, it kind of scares me that they are going away and that once they go away my pain won't be visible. I've never used Aquaphor before but my sister recommended it.

I think you are on to something here. Have you thought about the fears of "invisible pain"?

It sounds like you were invalidated repeatedly. (I could be wrong.)

Thank you, The_little_didgee

I do have a fear of invisible pain. It's why self harm worked so well for me for so long. It made what was on the inside come outside. But people still ignored it. I mean, that kind of makes it attention seeking, which it wasn't as I kept it hidden, but it made it visible to me. It made it real instead of whatever it was. It was a poor way of communicating for me.

I still want to self harm though. I'm having lots of thoughts of doing it. Wish I could calm my head down somehow.

What made it a poor way of communicating?

That is something therapists have said to me and I never questioned it. I will have to think about it now and respond later.

Well I have been thinking a lot about your question, @Bill3

I think for me, partially, self harm is about communicating a desire for care and comfort. Self harm has always partially been about comfort for me. Not the act itself so much as the act afterward of bandaging and getting it taken care of and stuff like that. I am communicating to myself that I need/desire care and comfort and I am communicating with anyone who I choose to show my wounds to whether that be a friend, a therapist, or a doctor. The latter two are kind of dangerous because they have the option to hospitalize me!

I think it is somewhat ineffective when I choose that method to communicate to someone else because they misinterpret what I am trying to ask for: care and comfort, and nurturing and instead go into crisis mode or something else equally unhelpful. As for communicating with myself it is less ineffective because it is a very real way for me to come to terms with the fact that I am desiring a need to be taken care of and desiring comfort and care and nurturing and all that good stuff. Some of that I can do.

A better way would be to figure out how to communicate these things to myself and others without having to harm myself to do so. This is what I am working on to figure out. I am reaching out more to people before I self harm (generally) and that is probably a good thing.

I may have to think on it some more.

I welcome anyone's comments on the subject.

Thank you for reading this far!

Slumber you honestly dont deserve to be hurting yourself

i get it though, i do self harms as punishment before anyone else punishes me

On another topic, I live in Southern CA. It is hot here now. I am wearing long sleeves due to my kind of recent Self Harm episode. Prior to that I was wearing short sleeves sometimes even though I have really visible scars, I mean, anyone who looks at my arms should be able to figure it out. A coworker commented on my long sleeve wearing the other day and I kind of blew it off. But it bugged me a little. Not incredibly much though.

Then Sunday we are getting one of my nieces and one of my nephews and they will stay with us for two weeks. Normally I could wear short sleeves on the weekends at least but with them staying with us I will probably be wearing long sleeves the whole time because I never want to put it into their mind that this is a good option to deal with their problems. If it was just my niece, I might have worn short sleeves as she is a few weeks away from being 18 and I have opened up to her more as she has gotten older about my mental health disorders and stuff. But not with the nine year old there.

Wearing long sleeves isn't the end of the world, it's just sometimes uncomfortable, or inconvenient. I do wish people wouldn't comment on them though.

willowtigger you are so sweet. I don't think you deserve punishment or to be hurting yourself either. But I think everyone in this forum has been there and gets it. Wishing you the best my friend.

You deserve lots of loves and cares

For some reason i keep getting the "this is a duplicate of something you just posted" message ....... i'm not clicking twice

i think my computer is being funny

just saying