[PlanningtoLive]

At work today they had cleaned the fryers and put in all fresh new oil. If any of you have gotten to see what it looks like afterwards, it is beautiful. So clear and fresh. It smells good and you can see all the way to the bottom of the fryer.

Anyway, I was fixated today on keeping them that spotless, which was hard to do........and then I started thinking about putting my hand in there to see it.

Okay, I know that is not a good thing at 350 degrees, but the overwhelming urge to do so was tremendous. I got the scooper to get out the nasty stuff and pretended it was my hand swishing the oil around.......it was bad.

I deliberately let stuff splash onto my hands today so it burned a little - just to feel it. I ended up getting someone else to take care of this area because the temptation was worsening.

A few days ago I was staring at the oil and one of the employees asked me why (I had just dropped some fries in there) - I said, "have you ever thought about that fry being your skin and just watching it burn and go under like that?" I spoke without thinking - she backed away from me real fast.

I think my fingernails are slipping.

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[ErinBear]

Hi Mary Alice,

I really like your idea of having someone else tend the fryer when you feel like this. Sometimes the best we can do is to steer clear of temptations.

I'm sorry this is such a terribly difficult time - wish I had better ideas to share.

Is there something else you can do to deal with some of the feelings - like beat a pillow, rip paper, go for a walk, write in a journal, or listen to some favorite music? I don't know what works for you. Those are some things I have done.

Take care,
ErinBear

[PlanningtoLive]

Right now I'm listening to classical music - Mozart, Beethoven, etc. I love them......they soothe me sometimes. The urges are there though.

I have a new burn on my wrist that I "let" happen. It doesn't take long either for it to happen.

A new easy way for me to SI, and explainable.

Hope your weekend was good......

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[SweetCrusader]

I have had similar thoughts around frying oil. Sometimes I just would stand close enough that the hot oil would pop up on me. That was back before I "realized" I was an sier, I guess. Because all I did back then was bite or pinch or pick at wounds that were already there. But I did like the hot oil popping on me, and it's relatively harmless if it's JUST that. Hurts a tiny bit, but doesn't do much damage.

I'm proud of you for letting someone else take over the fryer. I hope you are proud of you to! Keep it up! You can do this!

Angela (SC)

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

[ErinBear]

Hi Mary Alice,

I am glad you listened to Mozart and Beethoven! I love classical music - I particularly enjoy Bach and Copland, but others too. That's great. We had a really lovely sunset last night and that helped me too, watching it.

You said you were still having urges, and I know that is hard, but sometimes trying to manage them and get through it is the key. I don't know about you, but some times are worse than others, and if I can get through the harder times without hurting myself, I usually feel better about it. I generally feel pretty frustrated with myself if I end up injuring myself, at least later. Hard as it is, it's worth it to try to get through it and distract myself. At least for me.

My weekend was hard and today is going to be hard too...just trying to get through it....I have to go do a medical treatment which is really hard. So wish me luck.

Take care,
ErinBear

[Zenobia]

I take things out of hot pans with my bare fingers. It doesn't hurt but apparently it should. I have to watch the behavior when my kids are around because I don't want them to do it too. I have had the temptation to stick my hand into a boiling pot of water. I am glad you took good care of yourself and got someone to take over the fryer. {{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}
Carrie

<font color=blue>If you have two dollars, spend one on bread and the other on flowers. The bread will feed your body and the flowers will feed your soul."--Arabic Saying

[PlanningtoLive]

I was more scared of how far I would go - and I just couldn't do it at work.

Never thought of being proud of myself.......lol.

Thanks, Angela

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{Erin}}}}}}}}}}} you know I hope everything goes okay for you.

I wish I could do those simple things, like watch a sunset. I even go outside without my h and I have problems [sigh].

Ironically, after I hurt myself, I don't feel bad about doing it. I simply want to hide it from others - when I do it, I don't think or care about where it is done and that is a problem for me.

Take care of you, too.


Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[PlanningtoLive]

I do that all the time, Carrie. My fingers are not sensitive to the heat anymore.

I was examining my arms today while sort of "out of it" and thought about new places where it wouldn't be visible. Fortunately I was running around today on my day off taking Alex to the dentist and picking up my meds to do something.

I see my primary doc on Wed. to get the results of my ultrasound of my heart. I think I'm going to look for diet pills that kill the appetite........start taking those.

xoxoxox

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard