[Kiya]

I feel my resolve slipping and it is weird, too, because ... well..
ok so yeah i had the whole blood services thing today. then i come home and mom wants me to look up something for her because she got this letter saying an old company has over $250 for her - right, but to get it she has to pay $25. So i'm thinking it's a hoax. but i am supposed to look up (aka research) this for her and find her money for her because a. i'm the only one with internet access, b. she can't do S*** for her self, c. my time is worth crap, d. we're like beyond totally broke and may lose our house (like 250 is gonna solve this when she won't even look for work).... and i got totally bawled out for not wanting to do this for her when we "need the money so badly". Forget that i'm in school, forget that i am looking for work, forget that i have a life or may want to be in PC to check in (because, you know, that's not important or anything). I'm just kind of steamed about it. she said to me "I don't understand why, when ever i ask you to do anything for me, yo act like it's such a big problem and you shouldn't have to do it."
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
YES it iS a big problem because her projects are NEVER small and i always get told "oh it will only take a second, i don't see why you can't possibly just take one little second to do this for me, it's not like the end of the world" so i go do it and it takes a long time. Typically she'll aske me to type up resumes or cover letters for her when i am in the middle of finals or writing a paper. I also get told to do them - not asked. told. and if i say no or i don't have time, it becomes a major fight. WHy do i not like doing things for her? because it would be less pain and trouble to to... gah.... to cut up my arm for instance.
I know - i'm blowing this out of porportion.... but i totally feel like i am a bad person, because i don't want to help my mother. forget that she has her own computer yet i have to now come up with a flyer for her to post around so she can get work as a "care taker" - of which she has no experience or training (other than raising me... or rather, my raising her). She's even advertizing that she'll take people to their medical appointments - sure, as long as it's not dark (it gets dark here at 4 in winter), there's no traffice, and it is within her 6 mile radius that she'll drive.
OMG i am venting up a storm. sorry.
Long story short (too late, eh?) it made me feel like a bad person, so i want to SI or binge or... just dissapear off the planet someplace. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
kiya

[Christina86]

(((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry about your mom. Sometimes people don't even realize what they're doing to us emotionally.

[bchlyn]

vent away... i am sorry you had to deal with that... how did your doctor's appointment go?...lyn

[Kiya]

(((Christina, Lyn))) i'm still "grrrrrrrrring" over here. mom's pretty sick with a bad viral cold and is a terrible overgrown, pouty 3 yr old. she won't say what she needs, she hints at it and i'm a terrible nurse maid. so -as usual- she hasn't paid her bills, they're due tomorrow, if she pays via phone, she gets a hit.... so she says she's going over to the mall to pay them, do i want to go? NO i've been dealing with her s*** all day and look forward to her leaving!!! SHe bugs me and bugs me and tries to get me to go, "so we can get out of the house!" it will be fun, it's something to do.... what she really wants (because i know her) is for me to drive her. I mean, this is all the time. she's only 67, it's not like i'm denying a woman in her late 90's or something. next thing, i hear her on the phone paying her bill "i can't get out there, i have a terrible *cough cough* cold!" *rolls eyes*.
Man, i really am a monster.

[bchlyn]

no...you took care of you...you did well...lyn

[Christina86]

I think you're establishing boundaries (or trying to), and that's a GOOD thing! It's hard though, really hard.

(((((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))))

[Kiya]

ty -i need to take all the good comments ppl say in here and plaster my walls with them so they continue even when i am not plugged into PC.

how are you doing, lyn?? seems like you've been quiet.

[Kiya]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Christina86 said:
I think you're establishing boundaries (or trying to), and that's a GOOD thing! It's hard though, really hard.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

oooooooooooooooooh yeah, boundaries... man i forget about those. my old t used to help me work on that... we finally got mom to *knock* before just barging into my room.
('m in my 30s) these days, she rarely ever knocks... and i'm still not allowed to close my own room door. Or rarely.... our boundaries are so emmeshed. when i try to make some or hold them, i feel like i'm being a terrible terrible person - and she makes sure i know that, too.
i need to move out so i can be independent of her
i need a job so i can move out!
i need my sanity so i can get a job!!

[Typo]

Kiya I'm sorry things aren't going so well for you now. Your not a monster and you shouldn't let your mom make you feel guilty for taking care of yourself. It's okay to rant and vent..everybody does and it's good for you to vent here. Bounderies are always good things to establish..you just have to keep strong and keep standing up to your mom. She can't control you or keep using you. Keep strong Kiya!!!!

[bchlyn]

kiya... she is using guilt to get what she wants... it's ok for you to take care of yourself... lyn

[iamtwilight]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Kiya said:
i need to move out so i can be independent of her
i need a job so i can move out!
i need my sanity so i can get a job!!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Go Kiya! I'm hoping things are okay over there, that you're managing at least.

[Kiya]

ty katie. I am doing better emotionally, but my situation could not be more dyre right now.