[jetblackaura]

Ok, so my mum was checking out the burn on my arm which was fine then she started asking about some scars on my arm that have been there years and i was like eh eh eh - they've been there ages..which kinda brought up some old "demons" *sigh* and then i dreamt about it last night... I wrote some stuff down though to distract me from the urges but when i read back over what i write i tjust seems so dumb.

Although i did tell her a couple of years ago about my si she either doesnt seem to remember or is just ignoring the fact. She thinks i've stopped..so now i'm all panicky incase she brings it up again

Sorry this post is so long and about nothing..I kinda just needed to say something.

[SweetCrusader]

aw, jetblack...

sometimes having your attention directed to the scars does bring back some terrible memories, doesn't it?

(((((hugs))))) <--if you want them

your mom might be confused about what to do, and she might not understand the point of si behavior. it scares a lot of people, and they often do not know how to respond! (that doesn't mean it's an excuse for ignoring the pain of someone you love, though )

Angela

[jetblackaura]

Thanks Angela, (((Angela)))

I'm quite glad that my it hasn't clicked with my mum what it was from because my parents would not understand at all, and it they probably wouldnt accept it. She quite clearly told me that she didn't have a clue what to do or say when i told her before..which is reasonable because it's not something they'd expect to have to deal with i guess.

Claire

[Zenobia]

Just wanted to say that your post isn't long and it isn't "about nothing". {{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I feel unconfortable when people look at my injuries. I squirm and have to build courage to show my T. I can understand your discomfort and desire to hide from you mom. I desire to hide it from everyone too...though sometimes when things have been particularly bad I have the desire to show everyone. This desire I squash down deep inside because I am afraid how everyone will react.
Carrie <font color="purple">

[jetblackaura]

Thanks (((((((((((((((carrie)))))))))))))

I used to not be too bothered whether or not people saw my scars because i knew nobody would say anything and they're not THAT bad...nobody notices that kind of thing usually...but i've become more aware of them the older i got.

Claire

[jetblackaura]

So today in psychology we watched this programme that was on tv the other week called My Crazy Parents, and it's about people who's parents have mental problems and this particular one was a lady with severe depression and anxiety and she was addicted to Diazepam and she self-harmed. The programme went really graphic and showed the woman straight after self harming with cuts all over her arms and stuff..and it was really triggering...

and some of my friends in the class were like "oh, why the hell would you want to cut yourself, what's the point " and stuff like that so i was like :S sat in the corner all akward...wasn't a nice day and the programme was really quite sad.

Sorry, just felt like i wanted to post that.

[Rapunzel]

It came up in one of my psychology classes. Someone mentioned that her sister was a cutter, and two others had a sister or a friend who was (out of only six there - it was a distance class and we were at a remote site - the professor at another location). I went ahead and told them that I was a self-injurer, and let them ask questions about it. They were polite - just wanted to understand it. You may not feel comfortable discussing self-injury with your classmates, and that's fine. I have been very disinhibited about this, and probably talk about it too much. But chances are that more people will understand about it than you think.

Today at work we had PCS training (Positive Control Systems). It's about being in control when the residents act up; everything from managing the situation through communication (verbal and nonverbal) through take-downs if necessary. The instructor said that he has only needed to do a take-down twice in two years there. Both times it was with a girl who was going to cut or otherwise injure herself. They said that four or five of the 23 girls are cutters (I noticed one girl's scars on my first day there). So that launched a discussion about cutting - with everyone saying they just didn't understand it. And I really can't have people at work know that I do that, so I just had to stay out of the discussion. That felt awkward, since I really would have liked to try to help them understand it. Sometimes I'm amazed at the irony that I'm staff rather than a resident.


Sometimes I worry too that someone will notice my scars at work. Mine are not very noticeable, but one day I got called in to sub for someone, and wasn't expecting to work that day, and I was wearing pants that were short enough to show some of the scars on my leg when I was sitting down. I don't think anyone noticed though. I hope I don't ever have to take them swimming or something like that - I'm not sure I will ever make a public appearance in a swimming suit again.

[SweetCrusader]

((((jetblack)))) that must've hurt so much! I can't even imagine being in that situation, having to actually look at the cuts on someone else, feeling triggered AND having people around you who not only were not supportive but were very rude about it and didn't even try to understand. I was totally shattered a few months ago when someone who knew I was a cutter called cutting "psycho"

(((((Wendy))))) oh boy do I know what you mean! I often thought I had more in common with my clients than the other staff. I was even closer in age to them most of the time! And I did identify especially with clients who had similar issues to mine, like si. It can really make you self-conscious, can't it?

Angela

[jetblackaura]

I was just so akward and thn the teacher asked afterwards what everyone thought of it and i couldnt say anything because well because of my experiences i felt like anything i said wold make it obvious and stuff..so i kinda feel like alot of the things we do i cant comment on...yeah i'm just speaking crap now...sorry

[SweetCrusader]

(((((jetblack)))))

you don't need to apologize here. this place is here for you to share your feelings and be heard.

maybe the people in your class don't understand si, but we understand it here. we understand you, and we accept you.

Angela

[jetblackaura]

Thanks (((((((Angela)))))))

I just always feel like im complaining and not being very helpful to everyone else.

[SweetCrusader]

Complain away!

We all have our ups and downs. We all go through periods where we just need to be heard, and maybe don't feel like offering a lot of support to others. Maybe that's where you're at right now. That's OK! When you are ready, you can provide support for others. In the meantime, come here and get support for YOU!

Angela