[Typo]

I don't understand I just don't understand why I do this to myself over and over again. Last night I gave in..I got so despereat that I broke a cd case cover to use. After words I felt this rush of peace and relief.

I hate myself for doing it..yet in a sense I'm glad I did. My thoughts have been consumed with self injury for weeks, I've been clenching my jaw, my hands have been achey and shaking, and then I si and I felt better..even if it was just for those few minutes I felt better.

Yet today I hate myself for doing it..today I feel miserable and I hurt from the cuts I made..I feel panicy because I keep having to adjust my shorts so noone can see all the cuts I made.

I know today is a new day..and I can start all over again...but I feel like I'm trapped in some horrible vicious cycle..I fight and I fight..but sometimes the deisire to fight leaves me..I caught myself thinking today..just give up the fight your not going to win..just give up.

I keep reminders of why I fight close to me...I fight for a future..to be a police officer..I fight so I won't hurt my family and friends..I fight so that one day maybe I will be rid of this horrible addiction..

Yet somedays I just want to give up...I'm to the point where I am almost done fighting..I feel like just curling up under the covers and hiding from all the bad thoughts and all the bad memories and all the bad dreams..

I feel so confused..I feel so angry at myself for being confused..Why do I toy with myself like this? Why do I work so hard just to tear it all down..I will keep fighting..I know I will it's just today I keep trying to talk myself into giving up..I just need some hugs..I just need someone who understands..

[purplebutterfly]

I am here next to you, HUGS for you. I feel this way too. Last night was not a good night for either of us. Let's try to make it, we can do it. (((((Silversparrow)))))

[x_BabyG_x]

(((((((((((silversparrow)))))))))))

Well you have done good to post your feelings here because you all know that we understand Im gunna have a bit of a vent myself here I think...

Honestly there are times (like tonight) when all I wanted to do was kick and scream and lash out at myself. There was so many times in one hour when I thought I was going to give in.... Im actually physically aswell as mentally exhausted, I am tired of fighting and on top of it all I have a constant headache which is starting to get so bad I'm that close to calling it a migrane (I never get headaches).

And you know something? Im not even allowed to have any painkillers for my headache.

I want to go to bed but Im too overtired and my mind is racing, I am hungry but I feel sick and allll because of this silly addiction... so I know exactly how your feeling hun, but even though we feel like this we've always got to remember that...

(and this is for everyone here)

1. We have a choice... we can give in and do it... or we can stay strong.
2. NOT ONE OF US deserves to hurt ourselves like we do - even though we tell ourselves different
3. We all have a strength inside us that can make us carry on and not give in. Even if it seems it's not there at times - it's always with us - we just have to look for it harder sometimes.
4. It's going to get harder before it get's easier but....
5. It WILL get easier.

I know its a struggle but we just have to keep fighting and fighting. It might seem far off sometimes, but i'm convinced that recovery is possible and I'm determined to prove it.
Keep holding out silver,treat yourself like you would a good mate, and it will be worth it in the end

babyg xXx

[Christina86]

(((((((((silversparrow)))))))))))

[crazybones]

yeah honestly i being a si type person always wonder why it is tht we feel a sudden relieve from all the pain and stress i hope you can become stronger then this and overcome it all