so...last nite i gave in, and for the first time in the past 4-5 months i actually cut. it's not the worst i've done, just the most desperate i've acted. i was so frustrated b/c i was running around my room last nite at 1:30 in the morning just searching for a blade. i knew i had one, i just hid it better than i expected. but i don't feel ashamed. maybe just relieved now. and i've wanted to tell someone so bad for some reason. i just wanted one of my friends to know. but i can't. they've had enough of me and i'm too afraid that they'd report me if they knew. my ex-bf is already giving me heat for a few scratches. errrg. darn these people for caring. *sigh* nvm.

just had to let somebody know, let my thoughts out. ty guys for being here. (((hugs)))

[ktp]

Sleepy Head:

I'm so sorry you're feeling so badly. I'm glad that you feel better and also that you came here and told someone about it. Do what you have to do to keep yourself safe. And people who care can be a pain in the butt sometimes, but remember they care for you and just want what they think is best for you. Do you have a t? Perhaps you could find other ways to cope that are not self-mutilating? I know this coming from someone who does this same stuff all the time (just in a different mode) anyway, I just wanted you to know that someone is listening and we do care.

Take care of yourself and stay safe.
Kimberly.

[SweetCrusader]

(((((((SleepyHead))))))))))

I'm sorry you were hurting. Hope you feel better soon!

Angela

[Zenobia]

Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you. The digging through things to find a cutting instrument is a familiar feeling. Sigh.
Carrie

thanks guys...
since then, it's only been worse. there's a lot of things going on with my dad being gone, my brother moving out, and my mom having to "deal" (that's how she put it) with me. so my mom is just freaking out about a few things, and it's making me feel worse than i did.

so last nite i, i couldn't go online. (my addiction;at least one of them) i sat in my room, laying on my bed for an hour doing absolutely nothing except thinking about the bottle of pills in my top dresser drawer. i thought twice, and remembered that before i do anything, i should at least come here and explain myself, or reply, or something. so the nite ended in a lot of tears and i ended up falling asleep. i woke up at 4 and couldn't figure out why in the world my light was still on. heh. but that was yesterday. not that the rest of the week is looking too good, but..ehh. i just want to see some of my friends, all the ones i'm not allowed to see. darn..well, i best get back to doing school work.

thanks for replying...(((hugs)))

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{SleepyHead}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Zenobia]

Would your mom consider going to family counseling with the excuse of "helping to deal with you?" I am thinking it could help her change her view of what is going on and help you get some space to breathe. I can't help but think leaving you stuck up in your room isn't going to help you cope and work through the things that are going on. It is just a thought.
Carrie

PS I used her words because sometimes it is easier to get someone you want to go to therapy to go there if they think they are going to make you better instead of the real reason which is to get them in for themselves. My therapist helped me to use this tact to get my husband in to marital therapy.
CK

thanks zen,
i was in therapy for a few months, but only for about 5 months and i'd see him every 4 weeks. both my mom and i would talk to him. i stopped in august b/c it was too much of a hassle for her. my mom doesn't like the image of one of her kids being in therapy, and god save her if someone found out. so i figure, i act as "normal" as i can, or just seem that way, and if i ever really wanted to go back to counseling i'd go myself when i get a license. i didn't really like being in therapy anyway, esp. group, ewww.

so i'm fine until next summer, as long as i hide any new cuts or scars from family/friends. i'll be okay, for the most part..maybe.

[Zenobia]

If you are injuring yourself then there is a part of you that isn't ok. I wish I could tap your mom and on head and make her see that this isn't about her and what she feels about her image. Grrr. Can you go to therapy by yourself? You could ride the bus. How old are you?
Carrie

thanks zen,
i could go by myself if i wanted to, but i don't really. if i really think i needed to, i would go to one of my friends to take me. and about the bus, i live on a military base. they have post shuttles but there for the soldiers and they stop no where near where i live. btw..i recently turned 16, monday of last week as a matter of fact. the 11th.
thank you for replying
-me

[Zenobia]

Happy Birthday! Sixteen was a strange year for me. I spent most of it pining over the "love of my life" who was a hind end of a donky then about 2 weeks before my 17th birthday I met my husband. He and I have been together now for 20 years. So all that time and tears wasted on the "love of my life" and lo and behold the true love was just a few months away. Goes to show you never know what is going to come up.
Carrie<font color="green">

[vulnerome]

*big hugs*

Don't be hard on yourself for slipping - 'tis normal when you are trying to quit. It is wonderful that you gave it up for 5 months - you should be so proud.

Waking up at 4 with the light on - LOL - just glad you resisted temptation.

Take care Hun

XXX