one thing leads to another (possible trigger)

This is going to probably be long and confusing. I don't know where I'm going with it yet. Just thought I'd warn you in advance.

A lot of it has to do with the weather, I guess. You can predict my mood by listening to the weather report. Not only do I get depressed and irritable in the morning, I also worry about putting on weight, since I keep wanting to eat sweets (ok, I'm not sure I can function without it). I was almost running out of chocolate, finally, and was relieved about that and cutting back on it, and then hubby brings home a great big bag of it. And I can't stay out of it. I gain five pounds every weekend that I work too. They feed us three times a day, and I'm not used to eating that much. I normally only eat maybe once or twice a day (other than chocolate). But one time I don't have much to eat at work because I'm a vegetarian and they forget, so I don't eat, and the next time they try to make up for it by giving me more of everything else. Last time the staff member who supervised the kitchen said it was the rule that special accomodations could not be made for staff, so she wouldn't let the girls dish out a plate for me without meat on it, although it would have been easy to do so, and the girls had already told me they would. (I work in residential treatment for teenage girls - the residents do all the cooking). Anyway, no matter how that situation works out, I gain five pounds every weekend. Usually I manage to lose it by the next weekend. Not working so well this week though.

So I'm trying to stay out of the chocolate, but I keep grabbing a handful of peanuts, hoping that's better, but it's not, and I give in and go for the chocolate afterwards anyway. Then the idea hit me that maybe cutting would satisfy me, in place of chocolate. Still wanted the chocolate afterwards though.

I was doing just fine the last couple of days, through this morning. Then the clouds thickened and it started raining, and that was all it took.

We were supposed to be someplace half an hour ago, with 4 dozen cookies we were supposed to bring. The cookies just barely got done. The kids had left the kitchen a mess, so we had to clean it first. Then the other kids got home from school, and one is pestering me about spending the rest of the week at a friend's house. They have 2 days off from school and she just wants to stay over there from now until Saturday or Sunday. I have been telling her no on that since Sunday night, and she keeps arguing about it. Her room is trashed anyway, and I'm not allowing visiting when they have left a big mess here. I'm mean. So she's howling at me.

The thing that we are supposed to be at is a spelling bee for the homeschool group. I can't think of any point in going to that late. That group is my main source of a social life in 3-D, and I've missed everything they have done for the last 2 weeks (weekly classes and acctivities - the spelling bee is the fifth thing in a row that I have missed). There is a potluck dinner tonight. I told them maybe we could get to that (the cookies could be our potluck contribution instead of for the spelling bee as they should have been). Nobody here seems very enthusiastic though. And I have no energy and keep snapping at kids (can't stop picking at the stuff they haven't cleaned up, etc.). Hubby isn't going to want to go either, but I really wanted him to meet these people.

I don't know what my point is. If you read this whole thing, I'm sorry I subjected you to it.

The Shaina Noll CD I ordered just arrived, and I have been playing it, but I can't even listen to it. It's just there. It can't penetrate my defences.

I guess I'll try to quit rambling now and see if I can get my act together a little bit.

Well, I hope you went to your outing. And you know, as a veghead, that nuts ARE better than chocolate cuz they have that elusive protein.

I'm so sorry you are going through such a stinky spot. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you.

em

didn't make it - didn't eat dinner either

Thanks for thinking about me. I do appreciate it.

((((((((((Wendy)))))))))))

(((((((((Angela)))))))))))

Oh, and I guess I was confused and garbled when I wrote that. Should have said I get depressed in the winter - I don't know where 'morning' came from. I didn't read through all of that again, so there is probably more that doesn't make sense. The whole day didn't. Oh well.

Chat last night helped a lot, and we have a little bit more sunshine today, so I'm doing better now.

Wendy