I have been feeling so achy lately. Like there is a real sad part inside me. I have real urges to cut. I threw away most the stuff I cut with a long time ago. I go to my new therapist tuesday. I've never told her that I cut. I feel overwhelmed with how closed in I feel like I have no one who cares, no one who knows what im going through, and no one who cares to know. I feel like I keep gettting these kinda messages from the outside. I emailed three older ladies from my old church (where i moved from) and no one has emailed me back, my old T hasnt returned my calls, my new T seems so distant, and everytime i feel like i am making new friends, it fails. Ok. so maybe the sadness is dissappointment, lonliness, and pain. Sometimes I hate being human. Feelings suck b/c they are so dependent on other ppl. How do i go on without building walls up? How do continue to have relationships or try to.. without not trusting or trying to open up to them even though it hurts so much when they reject you?

I've been reading allot on trust in the bible. I think people who trust God to take care of them even when its scarey are the biggest spiritual giants. Its so hard for me.

Keep me in ur prayers. Thanks for listening.

Ok. so its only been minutes since i last posted. but i was thinking about my si. I've been planning all day to go to the store and buy some blades. IM soooooooo frustrated with myself b/c i know that decision means im not trusting God. And so i asked myself if I even want to consider not doing it and trying something new. and i feel like everything inside says no. Im so frustrated with the act, but even more on the utter failure that I am spiritually.

[SweetCrusader]

((((((ethersvirtue))))))

You are NOT an utter failure spiritually. You are an aching, wounded person whom God loves very much.

Without getting too preach here, it is not the spirit of God that tells you that you're a failure. God is LOVE and COMPASSION. He understands. He truly does.

I can relate to how you are feeling. I wish I was where you are, so we could hang out together and help eachother through the loneliness and isolation.

Best wishes to you. Try your best. That is all you can ask of yourself and ALL that God asks of you.

(((Hugs))) if you want them,
Angela

[Fuzzybear]

You're in my thoughts and prayers, I am sorry you're hurting ... I can relate too ((((((((((((((((((((esthersvirtue))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks for responding, girls! I really appreciate your support. Its sad that this is my only outlet, but at the same time im grateful for u guys supporting me when you don't have to.