[Lexicon78]

I had a homework assignment from my T to write about sex. It brought back so many memories about being raped and just hurt really bad from men. Now I'm fighting some pretty strong urges to cut. I know cutting will not solve anything, but it would take all the pain I'm feeling away right now.

I don't know how I can ever be with a man again if I'm always going through this. All I did was write about the abuse and the men involved and I become a mess...after so many years you'd think it wouldn't affect me this way but it does. I just started crying over and over from this writing. I want it to all go away.

I had some klonopin and was thinking of taking it so I can just sleep away all my problems, but that isn't the answer to this problem. I can't keep avoiding it.

When men are doing this (abusing) why do they all have that same cold look in their eyes with an awful grin on their face? That look haunts me so badly. It's been 5 years since I was last abused by a man and it seems like only yesterday. The faces seem like I just saw them only minutes ago. They are etched in my mind.

[ktp]

Wow (((((((Lexi))))))))

You poor dear. I can see how this would be VERY triggering for you. If the urges are too strong, perhaps a klonopin isn't a bad idea and a good night's rest before you tackle this very difficult assignment. I wish I had the answers for you. It seems that sometimes we think that bad men are drawn to us. And I know you've had some bad experiences, considerably worse than mine, but I do know a fraction of how you feel about it. It's like, "How do these men find me?"

The first thing I had to tell myself is it's not my fault. And it's not. It's theirs. And they will pay for the things they do someday. Not soon enough.

It must be very hard to be in your shoes right now. Perhaps your T thinks that if you finally dig deep and write it down, your mind can finally process it and maybe ease it somewhat. I know, for myself, if you ask me good things (memories) I can hardly remember them if I can remember them at all, but the bad things that happened to me, they seem like yesterday and when I allow myself to think of it all, I feel it all over again. Getting it out in a journal does help some, but there are just some things I still can't talk about

I am sending positive vibes your way. You are a strong person, you have been through alot and you can do this. You can do this assignment. Think of it as a battle where you're able to fight back and this time you WILL win!

Lots of luck to you. I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

Take Care,
Kimberly.

[armatage]

OMG (((((hug))) that is just aweful. I can't help you there. I can only image how you must be feeling. I am a guy and I know not all guys are abusive. I personally am very caring and wouldn't hurt a girl, even if she beats the crap out of me. >_>. I don't think you should do that assignment if it give you so much grief. Ask your t what it's for and if there's another way to get the information he wants. Be strong.

[ladymorgaine]

I'm so sorry you ever had to experience that. I'm sure your T must think its a good assignment so that he/she can better understand your feelings, but its a hard thing and sometimes doesn't always seem very helpful. I think you should definitely be honest about all of your emotions so you can be better helped to possibly move beyond this because you are so much more than a victim. Some things can't be forgotten though, only somewhat glossed over... I understand how you feel though... I've never been able to be close to a guy for a very long time because I can't forget... and I can no longer trust. I'm hoping that one day I can move beyond my fears and that you can also.

[shaddix]

aw yeah that sucks i'm sorry :< *pat pat*

yeah people's minds pull the same type of spouse to them over and over without the person ever knowing it