[breakdown156]

it's like people don't understand just how hard it is to stop cutting. People tell me i'm just being a baby about it, and that i'm just making it seem hard.
but the temptation is killing me, i'm almost at 4 weeks, but it's getting harder and harder to NOT cut.

the only reason i'm going through this hell is because I want to keep my word to my boyfriend that I would try my hardest. I see him once a week, and at some point during that time he'll pull me aside and ask me to roll up my sleeve. it breaks my heart when i see his face when he looks at my arm, and when he gently traces my deepest cut that never fully will heal. he hasn't seen any new ones because i kept my word, but it still breaks my heart. I hate hurting him, and i need to do this for myself, as well as him.
It's been nearly a month, and the temptation keeps getting stronger. it seems the longer i go without cutting, the more depressed i become. i really can't take it anymore...

[Sannah]

Hi Breakdown, I have learned from those who SI that they do it because they cannot express their very intense feelings. Are you holding in a lot of stuff?

[x_BabyG_x]

Breakdown. Im going through exactly the same situation.

The first time I realised I had to quit was when I saw the pain in his face when I had a really bad relapse one night, He cried so hard. I know he doesnt really understand it, but that doesnt matter. He's there for me. He sticks by me through it, and not alot of people would do that.

And therefore I knew I had to give something back. At the end of the day, the more I hurt myself, the more I hurt him too. I didnt want to be the reason for his pain.

So I quit. It was so hard. I didnt even do it for me, I used him as my reason.

After 40 days, I relapsed. It was driving me mad, I constantly thought about it every second of the day and it just became too much for me. But It was different this time though, this time I didnt feel the relief you normally get from it. I just felt guilt. And trust me, it was one of the most horrifying feelings ever. I was crying for days, I wouldnt let my bf see me for days because I was so ashamed I was ashamed to tell him. I couldnt eat and I couldnt sleep. I thought he was going to leave me.

He didnt. We had a talk about it.. But I could see how upset he was about it, so now, this is my second time around. Everytime I feel the urges, I just keep the feeling of guilt and unpleasentness with me that I felt that day.

Im now twelve weeks free - from doing it every week or so. Thats almost three months, and I am so proud of myself.
Do I want to quit? A huge chunk of me doesnt seem to think so. Does it get harder everyday? Too right, but I know that one day it WILL get easier, and thats what Im aiming for. I know if I cut now, i will struggle even more. Maybe I did need that one little relapse to push me to get here?

Right now, i say that I am doing this for him. But I know that there will come a time when I will realise that I am also doing this for me. Trust me hun, it will be worth it in the end, I know it. Keep holding on hun, try not to think about it as much as you can and keep your head up

take care, meg - x

[Christina86]

((((((((((breakdown))))))))))))

Most people don't understand this kind of addiction. There really aren't support groups for it and it's a taboo subject not really discussed or fully understood except by those going through it.

Four weeks is GREAT. Hold onto the good feelings of having come this far... how have you dealt with the urges up until now?

You are trying your hardest. I'm going to share something here... I first stopped for a guy friend of mine. He was so caring, and so supportive... and I felt I owed it to him, that because he asked me to take care of myself that I was simply existing to make him happy. That's how I started out down my path to NOT SIng. I messed up, I fell down and had to restart. I restarted... saying day by day, moment by moment ... but for ME. It takes a while to get to that point though.

Just take it as the urges come, day by day, minute by minute if you need to. Making a contract that you won't SI before such-and-such time can help too... but then you reach the end of it, but extend it, to something manageable. One night, one day, 6 hours, 1 hour ... whatever you think you can do without beating yourself up about it.

Breathe. I'm sorry you're struggling, it's a struggle that we all share here. We understand, even if others don't.