I had my first talk (since Aug) with my old therapist this week. I told her about starting back cutting.. She kept asking me why I am so against myself. I have no idea. I toldher that I haven't been living lately. Just existing. Just hurting.. (I didnt say that tho). I am really fighting myself. I told her that i didnt really think it would even be good to talk about the cutting til I had decided for sure that I wanted to give it up. Sad.. It feels like my friend.ITs there when im all alone and i can get out all the frustration i feel inside.

So things are pretty much falling to pieces for me . This is just one of my three issues. She also thinks I've been dissociating allot. Its really hard for me to look up and see hope.. I just feel like I can't quiet the anger I feel inside myself against myself

[HALLIEBETH87]

please be careful. GOD loves U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ktp]

((((((((((esthersvirtue))))))))))))))

Safe hugs if you want them. I know how you feel. I am angry at myself for letting my mother get to me. Also, there are so many things in my life that are great and I feel so much guilt because my brain tells me something different.

You are never alone, we are here for you.

I sure hope things get better for you soon.

Take Care,
Kimberly.

[SweetCrusader]

EV, I think maybe the anger that you direct at yourself is anger that you haven't dealt with from things that happened to you in your past. I'm guessing since you are dissociative and a cutter that you probably have experienced some abuse. I know that with me, I haven't been able to feel any self-protective anger in response to that. So my T explains that all the anger gets turned inward and that is part of why I cut myself. I give myself the blame for all the bad things.

Do you think maybe that could be partly true for you, too?

Thanks.. Everything is so mixed up (feelings, and ideas, beliefs, thoughts about the past). Its hard to know why I do things. I do have a pervasive feeling that there is something bad about me rooted from the past. Its sure hard not to get mad at someone who you think is inherently bad.

With all that said, I am working on using my spirituality to find healing. I was listeining to something on tv about how God gives us righteousness through Christ and it helped me soooooooo much today.

Well.. im off. Have a good day everyone.

esthersvirtue