New to this - what to do?

Hi! I am new to the forum and kind of hesitant to reach out, but I am now at the point that I am not sure what else to do. I have SI'd for over thirty years, but have only been in therapy for a little over a year (although that is not why I sought therapy) and I got "outed" by therapist as there was no bluffing when she busted me for it. Both my therapist and psyche are great and have been very patient and understanding with me. They have helped me a lot, but I can't seem to get past this. They are both suggesting some sort of rehab or hospital program to try to get a handle on the SI. I am weary of the stigma of entering a program and have no idea of what it involves or what to expect. My understanding is that it would not be a "lockup". I used to have the SI "under control" - at least by my standards as I wasn't aware that it was an issue and I have relied on it for so long, and it worked. I have a chronic illness which has resulted in my no longer being able to work. This has been hard to adjust to . The SI hasn't been working like it used to so I am now being more reckless and careless - increased frequency, infections, disregard for where, when, how I do it. I've tried various coping skills, but to no avail. Can anybody provide me with some insight ? Thanks

((((((((((((gothham))))))))))))) Welcome!

Do you know what kind of program they'd want you to be in? It can really help (I've heard) to have constant support if your SI is outside of your control, and it sounds like you've maybe reached that point?

Have you seen the list of things to do instead of SIng that's pinned in this forum? Give it a read, there are a lot of positive coping mechanisms there that maybe you've never tried.

Be safe, talk to your therapist and continue to post here.

Hi Gotham, I have learned from those who SI that they do it because they cannot express their very intense feelings. Does this apply to you?

I dont really have any answers but I am thinking that maybe a program could be helpful. It can help you get a handle on it. I dont knwo what your feeling about a program but if your therapists reccomends it would they recommend something that is bad? I know the idea of stigma is a hard one. I know how hard it is to acknowledge it. However you have and its ok. Keep us informed.

Hi! Haven't been here in a while as my psyche put me in hospital program on 8/5. I just got out today. I was really scared as this was a first for me and I had no idea what to expect. Very withdrawn at first, felt embarrassed and humiliated. I know he and my therapist are only doing what they feel is best for me and I can accept that now. I did learn a lot more was going on with me than the SI as I was passive suicidal, really depressed with no feeling of self worth or self esteem, and I just didn't care anymore. I am on two new meds in addition to the ones I was on and so far I am tolerating them well and they seem to be helping. I am to soon start an out-patient program to be gradually weaned off of as I get more structure in my life and keep on with my recovery program. I was able to learn many things from the hospital program--new coping strategies to try, developed a safety plan, and cemented a treatment/support team. I have been SI free for four days now - I know this doesn't seem like much, but I was doing much damage nearly every day with most anything being a trigger. I am aware of the chances for relapses and both my doc and therapist have cautioned me of this possibility. At least this is a start and I now know I have a support team of family, friends, and physisians who are there for me and understand. Thanks so much to those of you who responded to my first posting as I really needed the support and still do now more than ever as I try to regain some control and stability in my life.

Wow, gotham! Thanks for coming back and sharing your experience with us.

It sounds like although it was scary at first, the hospital ended up being a really positive experience, and it sounds like you have some new supports in place that will help you as you readjust to life on the outside.

4 days without SI is wonderful.

I'm really glad you shared your story.

Gothham, this is wonderful news! Will be around to offer any support to you that I can.

Thanks guys - "support" has been a very important part of trying to get myself restructured and hopefully being able to cope in less dangerous ways.