[Kiya]

Well, tonight i had to numb. 6 cuts and a shot of rum. I have not had bleeding cuts since April 8th. pretty good run for me. And some how, this time, (at least right now) I don't feel shame around it. It happened. I tried to resist for as long as i could; i did it w/o any huge emotion or upset. and it is done. I know my stressors and perhaps I won't cut again for another 4 months. that at least is the goal. I don't even feel bad that I SIed with Benedict the Armadillo here. SO that feels like a little progress.
So it is....

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))
I'm sorry you struggled last night. .....
you set a new goal.....that's a positive
be gentle with yourself and take care -

ktgirl

[iamtwilight]

(((kiya))))

[Angel_of_the_Past]

Hugs and prayers-Angel

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( kiya ))))))))))))))

[Kiya]

((((((((((((Ktgirl, Katie, Angel, Fuzzy)))))))))))

I was thinking I would not hide them today - but I am applying for my old job back and I recall my old boss being a bit too keen to my cuts. I don't want to have to come up with more lies for them. And it is cold weather - something in my favor. Can you imagine, 57 degrees F. in summer?? This isn't Alaska! ...close tho.

[Typo]

((((((((((((((Kiya)))))))))))))))

[Christina86]

(((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))

Good goals, and I'm glad you can see that you've come a long way.



PS. I saw your Armadillo in Psychotherapy, and I think he's SO cute!!

[x_BabyG_x]

Sorry about last night, and well done in resisting upto then hun, thats fantastic. Seems like your keeping your head up about it aswell - thats great, ur a role model to us kiya!

meg xXx

[Kiya]

(((((Silver, Christna, Meg)))))

thanks. Yeah - I actually didn't hide them today - I mean i wasn' obvious, and tried to keep them sort of concealed, but I didn't wear the long bulky hoodie to cover them. I think one gal at my old job noticed, but I kept moving and didn't bring attention to myself. I sw her eyes follow my arm (when i forgot and waved at her) but, you know - i just acted normally. I am irritated with myself since I now have to be more careful. but in yoga today the therapist who leads it said that "we are where we are - we're doing the best we can, and that's all we can do." This after I even said (in the talk part of group) that I had "gone back to not so good coping skills". She's trying to get us to "not get hooked" into the depression and emotion. And i think i have succeeded. That is progress, for what it is worth.
kiya

[Kiya]

*whew* got through my fam being here and keeping the cuts hidden. I can still hear the fam leaving... and now i can breathe. on the return later, it will be (hopefully) cooler and I can wear a long sleve shirt. I don't care about the general public seeing... but if the fam sees, i will have no rest, no peace, no privacy...

[bchlyn]

thinking about you and hope your ok... be safe...lyn

[Kiya]

tks lyn
am ok. tomorrow is going to be the kicker - see if i can get thru w/o drinking (since I am out of liquer and am *not* buying more). Did feel an urge to harm again, but it was not overpowering and so i am safe. managed to keep the cuts hidden. Have had plenty of chocolate and am having pain. Can't tell MD. am panicking about monday and thinking thru senarios. I don't want to tell her how badly i have messed up everything. sweep it under the rug and deal with it on my own.

how are you? hope you are safe and ok...

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Kiya said:
I don't want to tell her how badly i have messed up everything.


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((((((((((((((kiya)))))))))))))))

Instead of thinking of it as "messing up everything", can you think of it as something to learn from? Like...."when T is gone, I need to have some extra coping mechanisms lined up" or whataver? And then this T vacation can help you to look ahead to August and prepare and know what you need to do?

I fell off the wagon BIG TIME with my eating and cutting, so I really understand how you are feeling.

Maybe we can both think of this as "something to learn from" and we can report back to each other what we learned. PC homework!

[Kiya]

you know - that sounds like a plan, Earthmama. gads - i'll have to be responsible rather than run away?!?!