I went to my AA meeting tonight, and found out that a woman my age (in her 30s) died today because of an annurysm. She was just at an AA meeting on Saturday - totally fine, completely healthy. Today they took her off of life support.

I didn't know her well. I had been to a handful of meetings with her over the years. She was beautiful, honest, joyful, free, and loving.

At the meeting I was at tonight, a friend of mine (I call him my "AA Dad") shared a part of her story that I didn't know about. She used to cut. She shared that part of her story with my friend because his niece was bipolar and cutting and he was scared and didn't understand. She told him what it was like for her when she did it, and why, and how she recovered.

I was BLOWN AWAY. Just two weekends ago I was about one step from being hospitalized for cutting and for suicidal ideation. I have three beautiful boys and everything to live for and I just wanted to cut myself to pieces and end it all.

And here was beautiful Monice, whole, recovered, wanting to live, and she's DEAD NOW. I'm not even sure how I feel. So guilty. Like...why am I alive and she is dead? It doesn't make sense, and it scares me, and it makes me question God or the universe or whatever.

I feel sick and guity and horrible and selfish. And sad for poor Monice and her family. I feel like I want to talk to T, but of course, it's 10 at night.

I feel like I can hardly breathe. I am so ashamed of how selfish I've been. I don't know what to do.

[Typo]

((((((((((((((Earthmama))))))))))))))))

I wish, I knew what to say...but I am at a lose for words, all I can say is that I am here for you and I am sitting by you, you are not alone

Sending lots of hugs and love
Silver

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))))))))))))

that is awful. I'm so sorry. I understand how this feels so big for you.
I've often thought of others who die suddenly - people I hear about on the news, people I don't even know. How it is such a tragedy when they die......and there is guilt because sometimes I would gladly take their places.

But don't you see? You are so much like Monice! You are just at a different place in the healing process. That doesn't mean that you are bad and she is good, that you should berate yourself for being selfish.

YOU WILL get to the place that she was before she died.....where you are whole, recovered, wanting to live and loving your life. It will come, earthmama. And when that happens, will you have an anyeruism and die like she did? Or will you live until you're 101? Neither of us know, of course. But honor Monice by allowing her life and death POSITIVELY affect you. Don't allow her story to set you back on your healing journey. If she was as wonderful as you say, she would want her life (and death) to inspire you, to help you see life as a gift, to help you appreciate every moment, and to be one more thing that nudges you to the point that you WANT to live and hate the thought of self injury or suicide.

You have NOTHING to be ashamed of, earthmama. Please don't be so hard on yourself.
Would you tell me I should be ashamed for this things I've done?
You are in pain, you have been hurt by others BUT you are using your amazing strengh and determination to heal. Be patient with yourself.

((((((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))))))))))))
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Sending and , and holding you in my heart,
ktgirl

[reddevil]

(((((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))

Don't feel guilty, it's not your fault that things have turned out the way they did.

You are not to be blamed for not being as far down the path to recovery as Monice was, or for your illness that makes you want to do those things.

Be gentle with yourself, you deserve it.

[Sannah]