Trigger warning: In danger

i made it through the holidays, tomorrow was my goal. The first normal day of 2009 with no party/holiday/whatever.

tonight a friend i had been good to had an insider part (she and i are both mpd/did) who ripped into me because i had not been sympathetic to her. Apparently i had been preachy instead.

last straw. It was the last straw. I want to hurt myself so badly. I am so angry. I give as best i can and sometimes more than i can afford. Then when a person is suddenly angry and just rips me open when i was just trying to help. I feel so hurt and so angry that i just cant do this anymore and just want to do someething to protest all the abuse and damage done to me when i was just trying to get along and give as well as take.

i want to hurt someone and the only one i would hurt is me. I just can't hurt someone else and become just like them, so that only leaves me. Nothing else seems to be severe enough to make an impact and be big enough to protest my hurt and pain and rage.

both of us were sra survivors and i was good to her and then she rips me up. It is soo wrong. I wish i could hurt myself, i wish i could do it and it be deep and bad and serious and then maybe someone would see me. I'm sick of being invisible

ghosty, the invisible, receptacle of all the pain/rage/damage/shame/scorn 000000000000000000000000

i really do not matter. I thought i did but i really do not matter. They will always hurt me and slash me and rip me up. I am a trashcan for the pain and rage they feel. God help me because i do not know what to do.

ghosty 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

(((ghosty)))) i care for the pain you now feel, i hope i will not harm in saying a few things to you now... your wish to release pain from yourself is honest and true for you... the pain now feels like more than you can bear... but in the past and now, you are bearing it and you are releasing it away from you to here, in these words... let the pain out here, away from you, no, not on you, you want the pain away... out... into space where it harms no others.. away from you you it will be weaker and you will be stronger... when you are stronger the others will feel better too and then more pain will be able to leave you again... its hard i know .... caring about you now if its ok... feel safe.... you are safe here....

i hope it doesnt scare you if i ask how you are now... take safe, deep, caring breathes for you and let your fear of how you feel escape you... words will come to surround you from the safe ones you knew before... the others might know them and you can feel ok cause they are here too... be gentle with you...

your friend does not define what you're worth.

If you give, and give more than you can afford sometimes, that is enough.
It means you matter.
It means you do not deserve harm to come to you

Let the pain come out in another way... realize, you are hurt by feelings that your friend let you down. That's not your fault at all.

This person does NOT define your worth.

You do matter.

I'm sorry she hurt you. You have been nice to me and I appreciate it. You've been nice to her and she behaved poorly. Maybe she'll come around. Whether she does or she doesn't - you're nice lady.

notz

I have to agree.

I am here. Im sorry someone was mean to you. Dont hurt you. I said you cant and you have to listen to me because i am minime,