for whatever the reason tonight I was hit by a big amount of stress. The only thing my mind could focus on was SI. Traditionally I either bite or pick at myself..not serious enough to actually be classified as SI though because of my threshhold for pain so it probably leaves a mark for like...30 seconds anyways. Well, tonight that just wasn't friggin satisfiying enough.... (even though I was biting as hard as I could before giving up or trying to use my nails like a frigging chainsaw....I guess my nails and teeth are just dull) so I was lookin for the sharpest friggin objects in my room but it's not exactly like I have blades and broken glass just laying around my room. I managed to find a teeny screwdriver which viola! had edges sharp enough to at least scrape. Not enough to actualy draw blood, but enough for those white looking scratch marks...which btw I hope go away before somebody notices because it's not ike you can say I fell down or something when you got a bracelet made out of scrapes and random places on your arms and legs all scraped up.

So yeah, after all that I needed to post.
I don't know what the **** kind of stress possesses me to be so self-destructive but it's like I know something should be happening, like a flashback or something because something in my brain was triggered and I can't see what's going on because I've got a damn blindfold on.

[Christina86]

(((((((((((Kaika)))))))))))))))))

Sometimes we don't know our triggers and what sets off... that's okay, it will be figured out in time. Please take care of yourself, ok? As for those scratches... in my experience, they'll go away pretty soon - but might not by tomorrow, for example.

[phoenix7]

Hi Kaika,

Are you seeing a therapist? they could help you with ways to deal with the stress, it's hard not to SI when you are stressed if you have used that as a coping mechanism - (and I have too) you say you dont know what the trigger was - thats ok - in time you will be able to recognise it - something just clicks and you go - uhuh thats it! - thats what happend for me

I am sorry you are feeling so stressed and hope that you are feeling better soon - please take care and be kind to yourself P7

Yeah, I wish I was.

The search began the beginning of fall last year and because there is a breakdown of communication with these things I don't know if they just gave up or what. What I would like is a T that actually takes me seriously and listens and doesn't invalidate me like the last one did.

I've sort of been obsessing about it since, which I know isn't good for me...but yeah.

[phoenix7]

I know, the bad one's ... hmm lets say the ones that arnt a good fit for us can do more damage than good. I still remember the one I saw who when I told him I was having Su thoughts said" oh we all have those" .. NOT helpful! (maybe he needed a T ! )

I hope you find a T to help you soon and one that fits as well as a comfy pair of slippers! take care P7

tonight was a bad night I guess

and Music didn't help
drawing didn't help
chat didn't help
Posting sorta helped
...until other people stop posting

I've been tempted ever since this incident
to do it again, but didn't until tonight.

I feel sort of guilty, other people SI because of deep pain
But me? I just use it as a distraction
When I keep getting sensations
that may-or-may-not be body memories
When nothing else works

[phoenix7]

body memories can be painful too - try not to be hard on yourself - you gave in this time - but you can do better next time - I hope you find a new T soon - are you still looking or taking a break?

My dr wants me to see a pdoc about meds because I still have SI thoughts - are you seeing a pdoc? is that something you could consider...

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Kaika )))))))))))))))))