SI a ghost of the past

I use to SI. It has been long time. Well, two slip ups recently. So I am asking myself do I really want to post about this topic having just joined this site and the answer is yes. The reason I want to post is to share how I feel about the whole SI thing. I found this was so easy to start and it got easier each time I did it. The first time felt wierd. Why have I SIed in the past, various reasons. Some I wish not to talk about but use your imagination....my past. I would also use it when I was angry. It was not always about releasing the pain I feel inside. Quite often it was me being extremely angry at someone to the point I thought if I let the anger lose on them I would kill them. So I would turn the anger around on myself.

So why am I posting this now? I am posting now to say if I could say one thing to someone considering this for the first time....it is hard living the life as someone who wants and needs to do it. Well it isn't really a want it is more a desire to release pain. So, I did the SI thing for many years. I would often do them over old wounds so I did not have to find yet another excuse as to how it happened. I finally realized that doing this was not going to change the things I felt inside. So stopping that is a whole new thing and difficult. What was soooo easy to start was 1000 times harder to stop. How did I stop to be honest I am not sure. It was a battle every day to keep in my head it was not going to solve anything or make my pain less. What it was doing was showing that I was in pain to anyone who could see it. That pain was mine and no one needed to know about or the fact that it was there. Like I said I got tired of the whole issue of making excuses. I can not even tell you how long it took to stop because I don't even know. I can tell you this I would wake up each morning and tell myself I was not going to do it. There were days I was sucessful and days I wasn't. Soon I was able to have a few days without cutting between the times I did it. So am I a sucessful ex SI. I have to face the fact that I am not. Having done it so recently I would have to ever painfully so I SI. What I remind myself of now is it was so easy b*** and c** myself last week. I look at what I did and I have to struggle each day. I have soneome on one shoulder telling me go ahead you will feel better and someone on the other remidning me of the struggle I had to stop. I hope someone reads this and sees that they are not alone. I am a 40 year old woman and struggle with it. I struggles with the little tips like the red marker instead of the actual c***ing. What it took before and now is the strength to take it day by day. Not get discouraged when you slip. Yes I was and still am angry at my actions but I tell myself I am human. Most of all I can not say I am a reformed SI however I can say I struggle with SI. I think reguardless of how long I can go without doing it I will always be someone that struggles with SI. I struggle to not do it and even more so I struggle with the scars I have to face daily. I hope this helps soneone. Honestly it has helped me doing this and facing the fact that I slipped.

I can relate to a lot in your post - for me it was hard to start - I was desperate to let the pain out and ground myself - I wanted an outward sign that would show me the pain inside and I hoped by the time it healed that I would have healed too - that didnt happen - I havnt cut since - I have come close - and sometimes its a real struggle - I think once you.ve done it it comes up as an option in your mind when the pain or anxiety strikes

it was hard to start - then easy to do - and oh so much harder to not do - every second, every minute, every hour that you get through this without cutting is a victory - a step in the right direction - if we slip up - not beating ourselves up is a good thing to learn - just think of it as a hiccup and as my old T said to me :you can do better next time"