Ashamed

silver_moon · Jan 29, 2009, 10:00 AM

I'm really, really ashamed of myself. Too ashamed to even say why, but I'm just so ashamed
I shouldn't have done what I did, I'm still doing it... and I shouldn't be.. it's bad... but I can't sop
Thing is.. I KNOW it's bad and I KNOW I shouldn't be doing it... so I feel like I need to punish myself, maybe that will make me stop? Maybe hurting me will make me stop... Maybe feeling the pain, seeing the blood, letting it bleed... maybe that will be enough... I don't know... I don't know...

amhair · Jan 29, 2009, 10:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silver_moon

I'm really, really ashamed of myself. Too ashamed to even say why, but I'm just so ashamed
I shouldn't have done what I did, I'm still doing it... and I shouldn't be.. it's bad... but I can't sop
Thing is.. I KNOW it's bad and I KNOW I shouldn't be doing it... so I feel like I need to punish myself, maybe that will make me stop? Maybe hurting me will make me stop... Maybe feeling the pain, seeing the blood, letting it bleed... maybe that will be enough... I don't know... I don't know...

Listen silver-moon, I don't know what you did or do, but there is no way that cutting will make it better. This feeling that you must punish yourself is scary, because you can slip and cut too deep. I can't say in detail very much, but I can say that I know for sure this does not help. Please talk to someone, anyone. There must be someone you feel you can trust, or at least keep writing here. I will stay on line. Can you try to say what you feel you have done that is so bad you feel you need to punish yourself?

silver_moon · Jan 29, 2009, 10:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amhair

Listen silver-moon, I don't know what you did or do, but there is no way that cutting will make it better. This feeling that you must punish yourself is scary, because you can slip and cut too deep. I can't say in detail very much, but I can say that I know for sure this does not help. Please talk to someone, anyone. There must be someone you feel you can trust, or at least keep writing here. I will stay on line. Can you try to say what you feel you have done that is so bad you feel you need to punish yourself?

I'm punishing myself already... not cutting, something else... but I've done something I shouldn't have... if I can feel some physical pain, it might stop me.. I can associate it with pain so I don't do it anymore

browneyedgrl3333 · Jan 29, 2009, 10:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silver_moon

I'm really, really ashamed of myself. Too ashamed to even say why, but I'm just so ashamed
I shouldn't have done what I did, I'm still doing it... and I shouldn't be.. it's bad... but I can't sop
Thing is.. I KNOW it's bad and I KNOW I shouldn't be doing it... so I feel like I need to punish myself, maybe that will make me stop? Maybe hurting me will make me stop... Maybe feeling the pain, seeing the blood, letting it bleed... maybe that will be enough... I don't know... I don't know...

and in a way it's nice to see your pain and feel it in physical form?
there have been times i've thought about self-injury but i know in the end its hurting me more and won't help no matter how much it seem like it may.
i know there is little chance that what i say will be something you haven't thought before/ something you don't already know but i have to anyways...
it ain't worth it m'dear. i know it seems like it is, but it's really not. it's just a vicious cycle of doing it, feeling ashamed, and feeling like you should punish yourself in someway for it leading to doing it more. and it doesn't help when someone see's the marks/cuts.
i'm sure you've heard it before, but find someone you trust and know and whenever you feel yourself going to that point of no return, call them/meet them/contact them in some way and just talk to them. be upfront and blunt with them about your feelings and just ask them to help you if they can.
think about the way you'll feel and how satisfying it will feel when you know you've overcome that part of your past.

i hope this has helped at least some.
i gotta go. wish i could say more.
e-mail me sometime
ami.

amhair · Jan 29, 2009, 10:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silver_moon

I'm punishing myself already... not cutting, something else... but I've done something I shouldn't have... if I can feel some physical pain, it might stop me.. I can associate it with pain so I don't do it anymore

Ashamed, There is only the thought that physical pain will help you not to repeat your behavior. Hurting yourself, making yourself feel pain, is not the answer. Use your words. You came here because you know that this behavior is not the solution. Please try to explain why you feel so guilty. I don't know you and you don't know me. I am someone you can share with and never see. Others on here are also here to give advice and help. What is eating at you so deeply?

cantstopcrying · Jan 29, 2009, 10:39 AM

((((((((((molly))))))))))))
Punishing yourself by hurting yourself more isn't the way. I know you know that. Let your punishment (if you feel you have to punish yourself), let it be writing down ways not to do what it is you did again. Write also WHY you did it, what you hoped to accomplish, what you were feeling, what you were thinking. Be very specific, "I don't know" doesn't work. Those are hard things to do, but they are not harmful to you.

If one of your 'dolphins' had done what you did, would you punish them in a way that physically or emotionally hurt them? I don't think you would. You deserve the same. Big or little, we all deserve respect--especially from ourselves. Try taking the harder way of punishing yourself, write things down. "The pen is mightier than the sword".

silver_moon · Jan 29, 2009, 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amhair

Ashamed, There is only the thought that physical pain will help you not to repeat your behavior. Hurting yourself, making yourself feel pain, is not the answer. Use your words. You came here because you know that this behavior is not the solution. Please try to explain why you feel so guilty. I don't know you and you don't know me. I am someone you can share with and never see. Others on here are also here to give advice and help. What is eating at you so deeply?

It's a lot of things
I'm ashamed I've allowed myself to be hurt throughout my life
I'm ashamed I've let things get so bad
I'm ashamed that I don't eat anymore
I'm ashamed that today I've taken painkillers, drank alcohol,, been sick because I can't deal with the problems... it's the middle of the afternoon... I didn't want to drink, but it was there and I couldn't stop myself, I poured a glass and now I've drank everything I had... I shouldn't have done!!
I'm ashamed of who I am personally... that nobody want's to know me... and why should they?
I just... I need some release... i need to let it out...

silver_moon · Jan 29, 2009, 10:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cantstopcrying

((((((((((molly))))))))))))
Punishing yourself by hurting yourself more isn't the way. I know you know that. Let your punishment (if you feel you have to punish yourself), let it be writing down ways not to do what it is you did again. Write also WHY you did it, what you hoped to accomplish, what you were feeling, what you were thinking. Be very specific, "I don't know" doesn't work. Those are hard things to do, but they are not harmful to you.

If one of your 'dolphins' had done what you did, would you punish them in a way that physically or emotionally hurt them? I don't think you would. You deserve the same. Big or little, we all deserve respect--especially from ourselves. Try taking the harder way of punishing yourself, write things down. "The pen is mightier than the sword".

I try and write, I really really do.
Last night I had awful nightmares again and it messed me up and I tried to write and I couldn't

and that's another thing...
I'm ashamed I didn't go to the school today, I felt too messed up to go... but those kids are important to me, but I let myself wallow instead

amhair · Jan 29, 2009, 10:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silver_moon

It's a lot of things
I'm ashamed I've allowed myself to be hurt throughout my life
I'm ashamed I've let things get so bad
I'm ashamed that I don't eat anymore
I'm ashamed that today I've taken painkillers, drank alcohol,, been sick because I can't deal with the problems... it's the middle of the afternoon... I didn't want to drink, but it was there and I couldn't stop myself, I poured a glass and now I've drank everything I had... I shouldn't have done!!
I'm ashamed of who I am personally... that nobody want's to know me... and why should they?
I just... I need some release... i need to let it out...

I sure wish I could be there to give you a hug and a shoulder. I am still with you here though. I do want to know you. I am wondering, are you trying to kill yourself? I know this isn't a question you want to hear, but you haven't eaten, have taken pain killers, and been drinking. That is a very deadly combination honey, and you know it as well as I do. I am very concerned for you. Please keep posting. Tell me about yourself. What are you trying to get away from? When we do these things, it is a way of running away from something or someone. What are you running from? -Angie

silver_moon · Jan 29, 2009, 10:56 AM

I'm too scared to

cantstopcrying · Jan 29, 2009, 11:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silver_moon

It's a lot of things
I'm ashamed I've allowed myself to be hurt throughout my life
I'm ashamed I've let things get so bad
I'm ashamed that I don't eat anymore
I'm ashamed that today I've taken painkillers, drank alcohol,, been sick because I can't deal with the problems... it's the middle of the afternoon... I didn't want to drink, but it was there and I couldn't stop myself, I poured a glass and now I've drank everything I had... I shouldn't have done!!
I'm ashamed of who I am personally... that nobody want's to know me... and why should they?
I just... I need some release... i need to let it out...

Sweetheart, hurting yourself will release blood and give physical pain; which will later turn into emotional pain, from regret. The painkillers and drinking? That is in the past and tell me what good constantly thinking about it does? Think about it long enough to say what a useless and dangerous thing it was.
Ashamed you let yourself get hurt. I don't remember you saying to anyone at all--please hurt me, I just want to be hurt so I can feel like crap. Of course you didn't. There are some situations that are out of your control, some that are within your control. I know you want out of your house--you financially are not able to do that. Maybe you could write that down as a goal, a reason to push yourself in therapy, to get better to get a good job to afford to move out. I'm not saying you aren't pushing yourself, I'm saying maybe set that as a goal. Be concerned you don't eat anymore, not ashamed. You currently are unable to see through your pain that people do want to get to know you--you have the people at the place you teach, you have the people in your class, there were people in the table-tennis group...None of them didn't want to know you. It's a good chance, right in the middle of your pain, to remember the ABC in CBT. Let the pain and shame you feel, let it go without hurting the dear person that you are.

amhair · Jan 29, 2009, 11:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silver_moon

I'm too scared to

too scared of talking about it, facing it, admitting it, someone else finding out you talked about it, or what? First try just answering this much. What are you afraid of?-Angie

silver_moon · Jan 29, 2009, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cantstopcrying

Sweetheart, hurting yourself will release blood and give physical pain; which will later turn into emotional pain, from regret. The painkillers and drinking? That is in the past and tell me what good constantly thinking about it does? Think about it long enough to say what a useless and dangerous thing it was.
Ashamed you let yourself get hurt. I don't remember you saying to anyone at all--please hurt me, I just want to be hurt so I can feel like crap. Of course you didn't. There are some situations that are out of your control, some that are within your control. I know you want out of your house--you financially are not able to do that. Maybe you could write that down as a goal, a reason to push yourself in therapy, to get better to get a good job to afford to move out. I'm not saying you aren't pushing yourself, I'm saying maybe set that as a goal. Be concerned you don't eat anymore, not ashamed. You currently are unable to see through your pain that people do want to get to know you--you have the people at the place you teach, you have the people in your class, there were people in the table-tennis group...None of them didn't want to know you. It's a good chance, right in the middle of your pain, to remember the ABC in CBT. Let the pain and shame you feel, let it go without hurting the dear person that you are.

deep down I know cuttimng isn't the answer.. i know it isn't
I just hrt, I just..
no, I didn't ak to be hurt, I just hate that I'm hurt..
I'm going to write that down... that I want to get away from home, some things I need to do to get to that point and put it on my wall... cutting won't get me there? just dig a deeper hole, but urges are hard to fight, even if your heads in the right place

Quote:

Originally Posted by amhair

too scared of talking about it, facing it, admitting it, someone else finding out you talked about it, or what? First try just answering this much. What are you afraid of?-Angie

I'm afrad of always hurting, always being alone

cantstopcrying · Jan 29, 2009, 11:21 AM

Good plan on writing it down and posting it on the wall! I know the urges are hard to fight, no matter what frame of mind you are in.

I like your rephrasing to you hate having been hurt. That's a lot different from being ashamed. Being ashamed indicates that you had something to do with it. Hating that you've been hurt states you feel a great deal of pain from it--from there you can work towards healing. I believe in you Molly.

I've seen such strength from you over the past few months, from someone who could barely walk through the door at an interview to someone who actually went into a room and started talking about her pain and feelings with someone she doesn't even know. What progress!!! It's a slow and painful path, but you aren't alone.

amhair · Jan 29, 2009, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silver_moon

deep down I know cuttimng isn't the answer.. i know it isn't
I just hrt, I just..
no, I didn't ak to be hurt, I just hate that I'm hurt..
I'm going to write that down... that I want to get away from home, some things I need to do to get to that point and put it on my wall... cutting won't get me there? just dig a deeper hole, but urges are hard to fight, even if your heads in the right place

I'm afrad of always hurting, always being alone

I am sorry you are so afraid. If you can make yourself talk it out, face the fear, and get to a point where you can share this with someone else close by who can help you, a lot of the fear will go in time. You said you need to get out of the house. I also read in another post that you have school and other classmates. You are also in a club. Somehow you have managed at times to be out there and involved in life. What gave you that ability at those times? If you teach, which is what I think I am picking up from here, then you really do need to look for some very strong help, because if you enjoy teaching then you don't want to lose your licensure. I am desparately trying to help but I still don't know much about you. I would like to know more and am here for as long as you need. -- Angie

amhair · Jan 29, 2009, 11:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amhair

I am sorry you are so afraid. If you can make yourself talk it out, face the fear, and get to a point where you can share this with someone else close by who can help you, a lot of the fear will go in time. You said you need to get out of the house. I also read in another post that you have school and other classmates. You are also in a club. Somehow you have managed at times to be out there and involved in life. What gave you that ability at those times? If you teach, which is what I think I am picking up from here, then you really do need to look for some very strong help, because if you enjoy teaching then you don't want to lose your licensure. I am desparately trying to help but I still don't know much about you. I would like to know more and am here for as long as you need. -- Angie

I have to step away from my comouter for about 5 minutes, but I will be right back....Don't go away. I will be here for you!

silver_moon · Jan 29, 2009, 11:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cantstopcrying

.....from someone who could barely walk through the door at an interview to someone who actually went into a room and started talking about her pain and feelings with someone she doesn't even know. What progress!!! It's a slow and painful path, but you aren't alone.

I never noticed that

thank you for believing in me

Maybe I'm not to blame for 'all' the hurt... I still feel guilt and partly to blame for the break up of my family though.

thank you

cantstopcrying · Jan 29, 2009, 11:29 AM

That's where have a good counsellor to help you work through those feelings will help a lot. You just keep up the good work, keep on takin' those steps down the path, you'll get there.

silver_moon · Jan 29, 2009, 11:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by amhair

I am sorry you are so afraid. If you can make yourself talk it out, face the fear, and get to a point where you can share this with someone else close by who can help you, a lot of the fear will go in time. You said you need to get out of the house. I also read in another post that you have school and other classmates. You are also in a club. Somehow you have managed at times to be out there and involved in life. What gave you that ability at those times? If you teach, which is what I think I am picking up from here, then you really do need to look for some very strong help, because if you enjoy teaching then you don't want to lose your licensure. I am desparately trying to help but I still don't know much about you. I would like to know more and am here for as long as you need. -- Angie

I don't teach... I'm hoping to though.. but that will be a long way off. At the moment I volunteer a couple of days a week at a school. Soon to start a Teaching Assistant course. Those days are my best... I REALLY don't feel comfortable at dinner time etc, with the staff... but most of the day I am able to forget about everything else... it's like I'm in a different world and I make a difference to kids lives. I enjoy it.
The table tennis club... i went to that because my younger brother wanted to do it, but was scared to go alone.. I wanted to see my 'proper' younger brother again... wanted to see him laugh and enjoy himself, so I went with him.

amhair · Jan 29, 2009, 11:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silver_moon

I don't teach... I'm hoping to though.. but that will be a long way off. At the moment I volunteer a couple of days a week at a school. Soon to start a Teaching Assistant course. Those days are my best... I REALLY don't feel comfortable at dinner time etc, with the staff... but most of the day I am able to forget about everything else... it's like I'm in a different world and I make a difference to kids lives. I enjoy it.
The table tennis club... i went to that because my younger brother wanted to do it, but was scared to go alone.. I wanted to see my 'proper' younger brother again... wanted to see him laugh and enjoy himself, so I went with him.

I see. So you have a great care and concern for you brother. That is great too. You can use that as a resource to ask yourself questions. Would I want him to see me hurt myself? Would I want him to hurt himself? You love him. You need to learn to love you. You love working with kids, which is so admirable. You would be great with this job, but you must face your fears. I feel like cantstopcrying and you have a good report with each other. I can step back and let you two carry on if you'd like. I just wanted you to know, whether I have seen your face or not, I feel your heart's pain, and will be here for you if you want!

cantstopcrying · Jan 29, 2009, 11:45 AM

We do have a good report but more are always welcome! Please, from my point of view, do not step back. That's what this place is about, getting help and feedback from all angles. You are always welcome to post your advice and views!

amhair · Jan 29, 2009, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cantstopcrying

We do have a good report but more are always welcome! Please, from my point of view, do not step back. That's what this place is about, getting help and feedback from all angles. You are always welcome to post your advice and views!

Thanks! I found some very good help and wise words from here some time back, and thought I may be able to be there for someone else. This place is a Godsend for many.