So, So Close... :( *Triggerrrr!!*

TPND, whew, I was worried about you! I am glad that you are alright. Please be safe and take care. I am glad that you called the doc, good work!

I know, I know.. But who else was there?? You know.. It was something to keep myself distracted as much as I possibly could.

I went to MIU in the end and they said I was fine to go home, but only just in the weight range that allowed me home without further treatment apart from no consumption of paracetamol until at the earliest midday tomorrow.

So, all's good apart from my mood..

Being away from Connor is what is driving all this? Was he your major support?

No, he wasn't my major support, he was what actually made me worse sometimes because he never understood or even Tried to understand.

Being away from it has caused all this because it's upsetting him, it kills him to be apart from me and he keeps crying and getting angry and upset at himself and it's because of me.. It's my fault and that hurts me..

That's what's the biggest cause of all this.. Now his parents are saying (because Craig, my friend accidentally sent the message to connor's home phone not his mobile, so his mum picked it up) that he must leave me that they have no patience with me anymore and that I'm ruining his life and such.. Now.. Normally he would cave in and say that he'd break up with me, but this time, now he understands *FINALLY!* he won't do that, he's determined to stay with me whether they like it or not.

He knows that they shouldn't make his decisions for him and tel.l him what's good or bad for him, what he should and shouldn't do, who he should and shouldn't love/be with.. So he's making the decisions himself, based on what he wants for HIM and for US, not what his parents want for THEMSELVES, or to "make things easier for connor" when in fact it'd make it harder.

*phew*

I'm exhausted.. I'll be back tomorrow

*hugs to all* and thanks

I see it as his fault. He made his own bed. He chose to not treat you right and you are now letting him suffer the consequences of his choices. I don't see how it is your fault? You are taking care of yourself and you have every right to do this.

Conner is standing up for himself to his family - not your fault - good on him!

Get some rest - take care and be safe P7

I guess.. I know he made his own bed by not treating me right, but he just keeps saying that going on a break won't help because we both need to understand why he did it and work through our issues together with an onlooker, a counsellor..

But I've just said to him to let us have at least a few days to chill out, relax, have a bit of time to ourselves, without the tension..

I'm really, horribly ill at the moment, in so much pain that I can't walk or sit down at all.. I have to lie on my back to ease the pain the tiniest bit.. I was refusing an ambulance, saying that it'll ease in an hour or so.. Rich who lives above me, after 2 hours said "It's been 2 hours, Kirst.. I'm calling an ambulance" and that was because Connor had told him to get his arse up and get an ambulance ASAP.

I kept drifting in and out of consciousness and such, ECP turned up and tested for a urine infection, but found nothing and couldn't think what else it could be, unless I'm pregnant, or could possibly have a stone lurking somewhere in my stomach..

Connor called me not long after ECP left and I just kept on dissociating.. I don't know why.. He called me to "distract me from the pain" but it just ended up with him talking about us not being together and such.. I got angry because I kept dissociating and not understanding what he was saying and cried because of the pain and confusion.. I kept having to ask him what he was saying and to start the sentence again.. he got angry about it and I tried to explain, but I just kept on dissociating..

I don't know what to do..? I can't keep on dissociating like this, because it's getting dangerous

look after you pain - can you put a hot water bottle on it - can you go see your dr? or just sleep - you need to take care of you for a change - hope you feel better soon but if not the if you can go see your dr please P7

I couldn't sleep it off, it was too bad to be able to get any sleep.. i went to the hospital yesterday and they said I have a Urinary Tract Infection.. The test showed I'd not had enough to eat or drink.. :/ damn it.

So now, I can't eat a thing because I'm so sick and just lkeep throwing everything up, I'm on antibiotics for it and have to go to the drs on Weds to have another test done to see if it's getting better, if not, the dose will be upped and if that does nothing, it could mean hospitalisation

I SI'd last night, too.. They only saw the ones on my arm, but not my leg :/ I wrote in my arm, which I now know was a big mistake because now everyone knows how I felt at that time So, I'm horribly sick, weak, tired and just can't do anything..

The nurse gave strict orders not to go to college no matter how much work I have to do (it's my day off, I was planning on coming into college), and to stay in bed all day and rest up, sleep, catch up on all the sleep I've lost because of this damned infection. But no, I'm defiant yet again...

I have way too much college work to do.. All due by tomorrow!! EEEEKKK!! So, Tom, my friend, who can drive, is picking me up and taking me to college because he's going in anyway, to make sure I don't faint on the way there and to save my energy and be there in case I do faint, to get some help for me.. So, crap loads of work to do, crap loads of stress and barely any time to do it all :/

So.. I'm going to come home after I've done what I think is a sufficient amount of work (which anyone else would say "That's too much to be doing in your state!") and I'm going to call the dr to see if I can get any help with the fainting..

Can you get a medical excuse for your college work?

I highly doubt it.. My tutor wouldn't accept it.. At least i don't think she would. She's the type that says "it's just not good enough." This means I'll have a disciplinary tomorrow.. And then another one either tomorrow or Friday if I don't get my listening skills work done..

But.. I'm not the only one that hasn't done it and cannot do it

Hi sweetheart--just wanted to check in with you. I'm so sorry your struggling so hard. Try for the medical excuse, give it to your dean or whoever is above your tutor. I'm thinking about you and praying honey.

TPND, I am sure that your school has a medical excuse policy that is above the whims of your tutor..........

College doesn't.. They say that unless it's a life or death reason, then i won't get my EMA.. I guess.. I'll email Bryn, who's above her and find out, so I can see fi I can get marked in as an authorised absence and get my EMA..

I hope he says it's ok..

I just I don't think I'm gonna make it tomorrow..

And CSC, thankyou *smiles weakly*. I'll be fine.

TPND - I hope you get the medical note and get an exemtpion for your subjects - cant remember if ive asked this so firgive if i have - do you have a college counciller - can they intervene for you

I'm doig a music BTEC, which means most of the subjects are compulsory, although some of them aren't, so I'll have to see about it..

I do have a college counsellor, but he's a perverted a*sehole to be honest and I want to be rid of him as soon as I possibly can, because he just makes me feel worse..

Luke (lecturer) extended our deadline to the Tuesday after half term *YAY!* So, I have much more time to get the job done and much less time to panic I'm starting on it today because he went through what to write with us, so I now know what I'm doing..

Annoying thing is.. I can't wash my own hair, so Charlene has to do it over the bath for me.. I really didn't want her to because I remember last time, I *mysteriously* got head lice. Now my head's itching like crazy again, so I'm thinking she's passed them onto me Again. This makes me even more depressed and angry at her, because Her head lice are ruining My favourite part of me, my sleek, shiny, soft hair I hate head lice, hate hate hate them! And now she's given them to me again.. I'll have to check my hair tonight or something.. Maybe tomorrow, but I don't want them to get any worse..

*sgh* why does something go right but then something else always go wrong to cancel it out???

I know - its annoying - you sound a bit better - thats good - glad you got a sort of extension - treated shampoo will soon get rid of the visitors!

take care P7

That's what I'll be using whilst my arm's in a bandage and Charlene has to wash my hair.. They gross me out so much and I cry every time I get them (this would be the 4th time). I feel so childish for crying over my hair, but it's my best feature! lol.

Yeah the extension's helped a lot, I've started to get the work done, which is good.

I just had choir and almost fainted but forced my legs to hold me up because someone had fainted just before we went to the room. And yesterday. So.. I'm still not well enough to be in college, but until I can gt a note from the drto say I'm not, I have to stay here. happy days.

Let's just hope I don't faint in performance. Kat'll be there and I couldn't handle it if she was there! She'd ask questions about whether I've eaten or not and then the security will come and give me chocolate and be like "eat up" and I'll be like.. I can't i'll throw it up blurgh.

i'm so tesne right now, i just dropped my shoulders and they're so, so tense! Damned stress and anxiety etc.

hang in there TPDN

I didn't faint, luckiyl. Got throghj the performanxce quite well, alnmost fainted but grabbed the mic stand before |I couls go anywhere.

Connor's coming to see me in a minute. What happy, fun times. He wants to talk about our feelings and such. ugh. I'm really not in the mood for this.

I need to disappear.