[Zenobia]

I am not exactly sure how to word this post. Things were bad for me last night. I tried hard to control my impulses. It is so hard. The screaming in my head. It is like two people arguing. One saying "Just do it" the other saying "but why?" I curled up in a ball and tried to duck under the screaming and think of what I was going to do to get out of this situation. How is it possible to have 3 voices in your head at one time? It shouldn't be because it gets so horribly loud. After a while I was able to get out of the ball and write a letter to my T. One thing I pointed out was if I had just done it, it would be over all ready and I would feel better. But I chose not to do it, to try to find a new way and so the misery was lasting so much longer and was so much more intense. Even today I feel the after affects of that struggle. I am not sure what to do about it. I made it through the night safe and undamaged. Is it a victory? It doesn't feel like a victory because I don't feel any better.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[Zenobia]

Today started out rather difficult as well. I felt sick during my entire run this morning. I got in the shower late so felt rushed. Then when I got to work I had a thrumming in my head and I just wanted to do something to make it go away. So I wrote more to my T. I tried to think of ways that I could make myself feel better but was coming up blank. Finally I noticed my face in a riser that is covered in little mirrors. Funny thing is looking at my own face calmed me down right away. I pondered my face and felt ok.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{Carrie}}}}},
I don't know what to say except to remind you that you are stronger than you know. I'm impressed with your strength - I would have given in. You know that tomorrow is another day. Hopefully it will be a better one.

Wendy

<font color=purple>"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try."</font color=purple>

[Zenobia]

Dear Ian,
I rarely do this, write a response to a specific person who replies to my thread. Usually I just lump everyone together in one post. It saves time and space. But this time I think I need to seperate you out and say this. You have not failed me in anyway. If we were close in proximity you would never be allowed to get to know me. When people can touch me physically they are a danger and I can't let them in. It is our distance that makes it possible for me to let you all get to know the inner me. This would not happen any other way. So please understand that though it may seem very little too you that you are allowed to do across the internet, it is more then anyone is allowed to do in real space.
Take care and feel peace,
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

[Zenobia]

Hey Repunzel,
I am proud of what I accomplished. I am feeling much better today. I did give in a little. I went to bed at 8:30 last night and found myself scratching but this time I didn't develop any scabs so I guess I did good. I slept until 7:30 this morning. I guess I was a little tired. LOL. But after 11 hours sleep I woke up feeling very good. Thanks for your comforting words of support. I appreciate it very much.
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson