Better or still the same?

I haven't cut in more than two years. I think about it every day, usually every hour of my life. When I feel well, I think about it less often, the thoughts don't last as long, and the intensity of the thoughts isn't very bad. When I go into a bad spell, the feelings begin to outweigh what I know to be true: cutting makes life worse.

My scars are pronounced and cause me to feel much shame. I've been accepted to school for a healthcare career, and the urges are worse now. I was euphoric over my success, and now I'm starting to slide into negative thought patterns. It seems as though I can't accept good things when they happen to me.

The main reason I have been successful in not cutting for so long is my significant other. Hurting myself would hurt him so much. We have a beautiful, healthy relationship, but in this way I think I might be too dependent on him. I wish that I wouldn't cut because I love me, not just because I love him.

Thank you for listening.

Are you in therapy?

Yes. I am in therapy.

You - not just you - but You are beautiful! I too have not hurt myself in two years (or nearly two years now, I can't remember the exact date). I choose not to hurt myself for similar reasons. I love my fiance so much. I know it would hurt him if I did anything, especially after coming so far. Also, my mom has end stage cancer... I don't want her to die knowing that I gave in. Sometimes I choose not to because I think of my future children. I don't want to take that step back and have to work again on the physiological side of this addiction. I want to work on my mind set, on my spirituality, on my relationships. I want to be able to get myself to a place where I can say "I'm gonna be a good mom." That is born out of love for my future children, but I think love for myself too.

If you really think about it. If it wasn't at least a little bit of love for yourself, you would probably just say, egh screw it, I don't deserve this healthy relationship any way, I'm destined to hurt people because I'm a terrible person and he shouldn't love or care about me.... and on and on down that negative thinking road that gets us to a place where we are able to act on our urges.

Nope, that is not what we are going to do... me and you. We'll keep on thinking, this is a beautiful relationship and I love myself enough to tend to it like a garden. I love my future enough to do now what i can do to make it a good one. We may not think directly that we love ourselves, but its there buried under it all. I think sometimes we think it's not okay to love ourselves because maybe we have had people in our past who have convinced us that that is the truth - we don't deserve good things or love. But we do and us continuing in our sobriety and treating ourselves and others around us well is a reflection of that love for ourselves that we deny because deep down we think it's not okay.

<333333

I pray the urges slow down some for you. Remember, you're doing it for you, to be able to connect to others and stop the violence... to make life just generally a little more tolerable - the other reasons are icing on the cake that help convince us we are worth it. You can do it!

many hugs to ((((((((((((((((((((((You)))))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much. You made me smile.

I am glad you are managing not to hurt yourself - you have someone who loves you - now all you have to learn is how to love yourself - treat yourself as you would a friend - if you feel like hurting yourself say to yourself what you would say to that friend.

be kind to yourself

and of course - congrats on not huritng yourself for 2 whole years!