[deliquesce]

i didnt think i would be here again. but looks like i am.

i dont actually care about the self harm. i dont really care if i do it or not. it is like - right now - i don't want to do it (cant be bothered). but it is the one thing that fits the situation, so i kind of have to.

i guess once i start it'll be good. so try to focus on that.

[deliquesce]

ok. no self harm. just holding my 'tools' helped a lot. am still playing with them now, just feeling the various textures. dragging them lightly across my skin.

this is enough for now.

[DoggyBonz]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

i guess once i start it'll be good. so try to focus on that.

Sorry to hear that you are going through something so severe that you fel that once you start it'll be good again. Just another thought on that, maybe it won't be. Sounds like you've been here before and let me remind you that once you start it's just another thing to beat yourself up over so if you can do something else try that first. Writing, feeling the feelins, going into your car or some where you can be completely alone and screaming back at the part of you that is telling you it's the only solution, calling someone, getting some physical exercise, meditating, drawing on your arms, anything that would be different from what you normally do.

I always ask this out of habit, but are you seeing a therapist? Can you call them and let them know you are in a desperate place?

It's not about the cutting, that is a symptom of something bigger, maybe you can try to figure out if something happened that led to thinking/feeling this way. For me it was only until I started to know my patterns that I was able to make choices. Before I was just on automatic in a trance and did not even realize how I ended up feeling like I had to cut to alleviate what was going on.

Just posting here was a message that you don't want to cut but are reaching out of help - yippee.

[DoggyBonz]

Sorry to hear that you are going through something so severe that you fel that once you start it'll be good again. Just another thought on that, maybe it won't be. Sounds like you've been here before and let me remind you that once you start it's just another thing to beat yourself up over so if you can do something else try that first. Writing, feeling the feelings, going into your car or some where you can be completely alone and screaming back at the part of you that is telling you it's the only solution, calling someone, getting some physical exercise, meditating, drawing on your arms, anything that would be different from what you normally do.

I always ask this out of habit, but are you seeing a therapist? Can you call them and let them know you are feeling this way and need to talk?

It's not about the cutting, that is a symptom of something bigger, maybe you can try to figure out if something happened that led to thinking/feeling this way. For me it was only until I started to know my patterns that I was able to make choices. Before I was just on automatic in a trance and did not even realize how I ended up feeling like I had to cut to alleviate what was going on.

Just posting here was a message that you don't want to cut but are reaching out of help - yippee.

[phoenix7]

Deli, you have been through a lot - are going through a lot - hurting yourself is not the way to go - Well done on not hurting yourself -

tell pdoc tomorrow when you see him exactly how you are feeling - let him know how angry and hurt you are that he didnt ring you back when you rang him - pdoc wil understand - and let us know how you go after your appointment - I will have been on a late early (finished 10pm tonight - start tomorrow at 7 am so I may not make any sense at all - but please know that I care and that there are a lot of people here at pc who care about you

Doggybonz has some good ideas and there are also some good ideas at the top of this thread of what to do when the urges come - I've read them over and over

take care and dont hurt yourself ok