I want to ~ I don't want to (Trigger)

I desperately want to self harm, but at the same time I don't want to. I've been self harming since I was 11 years old, and in that time I've done some pretty serious damage. I just can't seem to stop once I start. I haven't self harmed majorly since last August, I've maybe harmed twice since then. But I'm feeling more and more 'wrong' and 'dirty'. I've been getting other MH symptoms, and when I get like this SH usually follows.

I feel totally flat atm, but at the same time I hate rage burning inside me. I'm pushing it down so far and it is exploding in my head and chest. I can't allow it to show to anyone else. Sometimes it does though, it bursts out and I blow up, usually at my mum. Then we don't talk for days and I (and probably her) feel worse.

The only way to deal with this is to cut, as far as I can see. But that doesn't mean I am resolved to do it. I'll hold out for as long as possible.
Grrr... then this little person inside me says but then you'll do it worse, so you may as well just get it over with..... and I don't know what to do again.

It's like there is two people inside me. Black me and me me. Black me wants to win. Black me wants to harm.

Does anyone understand?

yes I understand - the voice inside says just do it and get it over with - you know you will so why put it off - but the voice is WRONG - DON't listen to it - you are stronger than that - read the stickies at the top of the page - hurting yourself is not the answer - its short term gain - long term pain - it doesnt deal with the pain it just hides it for a very short time - the pain is still there - there are other ways of getting rid of the pain without hurting yourself - are you seeing a therapist? they can help

try the suggestions at the top of the page and see if they help - exercise to get rid of the energy build up or draw or hit a pillow or write it all out - all the things in your head that are struggling to get out - give them a voice - write them down and let them out -

but please DON'T hurt yourself

Thank you for replying. I didn't hurt myself, I'm still holding on. I still want to, so I'll look at the stickies. I feel like I've got things 'under' my skin. It's like i'm reverberating internally, a kind of unease, inside me, running through me. Bad blood. Black blood. But I still am going to try and withhold.

well done for not hurting yourself - keep up the good work

keeping busy works for me - less time to think - less time to feel bad

take care