[cleanhippie09]

the other day i had a dream that scared the crap out of me.
it was back to when i was about 4 or 5 and my older cousin (he died a few years ago) sexually abused me. i was at my friends house and i woke up screaming and her brothers came running up stairs. i told them it was nothing. but i was terrified. i had pushed that memory back for almost 13 years and it had to hit me at the worst time. i was so upset and angry at myself that i went into her bathroom after she went back to sleep and sliced my inner thigh, the inside of my upper arm and my lower stomach. i threw up all morning and wanted to die. the next day was monday and i had school so i was planning on talking to a friend i have that knows more about my situation than anyone. but he wasnt there so i ditched class and went to cut and smoke behind our gym. i felt so bad and like i had no one to turn to. i feel like its all my fault.

erin

[tori2b]

Originally Posted by cleanhippie09

the other day i had a dream that scared the crap out of me.
it was back to when i was about 4 or 5 and my older cousin (he died a few years ago) sexually abused me. i was at my friends house and i woke up screaming and her brothers came running up stairs. i told them it was nothing. but i was terrified. i had pushed that memory back for almost 13 years and it had to hit me at the worst time. i was so upset and angry at myself that i went into her bathroom after she went back to sleep and sliced my inner thigh, the inside of my upper arm and my lower stomach. i threw up all morning and wanted to die. the next day was monday and i had school so i was planning on talking to a friend i have that knows more about my situation than anyone. but he wasnt there so i ditched class and went to cut and smoke behind our gym. i felt so bad and like i had no one to turn to. i feel like its all my fault.

erin

What happen to you at that very young age was not your fault and you can't beat your self up over that.It was something that you had no control over.That memory was buried so long almost like a forgotten one but it will keep coming to the surface until you deal with it.I have memories that i kept hidden too but when they came to the surface i too don't know how to handle them but now I tackle one bad memory at a time.That so that your mind don't become cluttered with too many of them and by cutting it your way of dealing with it without talking about it.I hope that you are talking with someone inorder to come to terms with that bad memory and again it was not your fault you were a child.

[Sannah]

Hi Erin! I remember you. Those memories are coming back because your mind wants you to deal with them? Is it time for therapy now?

[cleanhippie09]

i want to deal with this memory but im not sure how. i mean. he is dead, i cant exactly talk to him. and my brother refuses to talk about it.
i think that therapy is sounding good right now im just not sure how to talk to my parents about that.
i may talk to my drama teacher. she is like a 2nd mother to me and i can trust her with anything...thanks guys. i feel a little better about the situation. but how can i start to deal with this?

erin

[phoenix7]

writing the things down may help - as Sannah suggested therapy can help you deal with the emotions and memories - accepting them and letting them go - thats hard - but a good T would help

In the meantime - relaxation techniques and if you have nightmares remind yourself that this is not happening now - its past and cant hurt you anymore - - distract your thoughts at these times if it gets to difficult - watch tv - read a boook - paint - write anything that distracts you

I hope you manage to get a T soon

[cleanhippie09]

when i turn 18 in a few weeks i plan on finding a good therapist. even though thats a little hard when you dont have a job.
i have been keeping a journal and that has been helping alot.
thanks you guys. yall are a big help. its good to know that i can always have someone to talk to about these things.

erin

[Heartachehannah430]

Maybe therapy will be helpful to you. It might assist you in getting those feelings and emotions out in the open so it dosnt keep being bottled up inside. I've learned that if you keep everything bottled up, it will end up destroying you in the end. So please consider going to a therapist and seeing if you cant get some help. Keep us posted on how you are doing!

[jacq10]

Can you talk to your school counsellor about this?

[cleanhippie09]

i want to talk to myschool counseler but i dont really trust her on this level.
plus i feel like a bother and that im complaining when i talk about it and that i am makeing people uncomfortable and i would rather suffer in silence than to make people listen to everything.
ive been researching Ts that are around where i live but its going to be hard to afford one when i have no job

[Sannah]

Did you look into the public counseling? Didn't I send you a link once on the South Carolina public counseling?