[BLUEDOVE]

Live alone at 76,realise kids never going to see me as
X is narcissistic,and I am now 'Jack The Ripper'. So sad,
loved them so much,now all is lost,all was for nothing.

[leejosepho]

I think there is nothing worse for a parent than losing a child, but maybe that would be less painful than estrangement. I wish I had some words I could be certain would offer comfort, but at the very least I can say my own situation has similarities and I can grieve with you.

[Misssy2]

I can tell you that you are not alone and your sadness breaks my heart because i know how bad my heart is aching as well.

Yes, my 2 boys 30 and 27 don't associate with me for a couple reasons..1 - I'm an alcoholic (however, I am not drinking now)..2 - they hate my partner.

Whatever the reasons to me it doesn't matter..they don't talk to me and I don't think it is acceptable..just as you..I feel my whole life is over at 53. We can always have hope but i am sick of having hope and feeling so depressed.

[KarenSue]

My older sister has nothing to do with my mom, who is 90, and it breaks her heart. Did not even come to the hospital when she broke her hip. I don't get it. Living at home was bad, but it was our dad that made it so rough, not her. She has been widowed for 8 years.

I'm her caregiver and we finally have the freedom to have a relationship. I would never abandon her, I advocate for her. I live only a mile away and see her every day to clean her home, give her showers, be her companion, etc. I set her Dr. appt's, hair dresser appts, etc. and take her to them (she no longer drives, thank goodness).

I do not get my sister at all. She gives no excuses except she has a 4 hr drive, so what?

I hear of your plight so often. Kids seem so selfish these days. Wish you happiness and a change in you children's attitude soon. They are missing so much! Shame on them, but they are hurting themselves in the long run.

P.S. Don't know if losing a child is worse or not. My mom has lost 3 of 5 children. I am her youngest (late, unexpected baby). But thank goodness I came along or she would be alone.

[gayleggg]

Thank goodness you are there for her. I don't know what to think about your sister. It sure sounds like she is selfish and can't let go of the past. And she has to be willing to forgive her perceived issues before she will change, unfortunately it may be too late.

[here today]

I'll be 70 in a few months. My daughter and I are communicating and seeing each other now but weren't for 4 years. Very, very painful. I sent her informative emails about family, etc. from time to time. Sent her children small birthday and Christmas presents -- didn't want to send anything large in case she was just throwing everything from me away. Eventually about a year and a half ago she answered one of the emails.

[dancinglady]

Originally Posted by here today

I'll be 70 in a few months. My daughter and I are communicating and seeing each other now but weren't for 4 years. Very, very painful. I sent her informative emails about family, etc. from time to time. Sent her children small birthday and Christmas presents -- didn't want to send anything large in case she was just throwing everything from me away. Eventually about a year and a half ago she answered one of the emails.

See there persistence pays off. So what do you think she wants/needs from you. Most children don't just show up on our doorstep after that length of time unless they have their hand out and coming back to a relationship without it benefiting them.

[here today]

Originally Posted by dancinglady

See there persistence pays off. So what do you think she wants/needs from you. Most children don't just show up on our doorstep after that length of time unless they have their hand out and coming back to a relationship without it benefiting them.

Actually, I emailed her that I was in the early stages of planning to move out of the house, and was there anything in it that she wanted.

Then, after that, she wanted her mother as another grandmother for her kids, and she was ready to consider me as I am and try to accept me like that. It's turning out, I think, that she still wants a mom and I can really appreciate that because I wanted one, too. I'm the one she's got and so far it seems like she's willing to try to make the best of it. As am I.

She is NOT willing to feed me with reassurances when I am feeling insecure. So that's something I have to understand and learn to pull back from. But I learned how to do without that in the 4 years she wasn't speaking to me, so it's not really that hard now. Just a little temporarily difficult and awkward sometimes when the impulse, and an action, rears its needy head.

But, we're both learning, willing to learn, want it to work. And that feels good and hopeful.

[Blueish]

You are definitely not alone. Estrangement is rampant in our society today. I have managed to find a support group online that has helped me see it for what it really is. Many of our stories on that site ( and so many other sites ) are similar, we are all victims of the "me first" generation. Only our shortcomings stand out to them, no respect or appreciation for all we did for them raising them. Even the ones who have the same challenges raising their children we had. Somehow they imagine that they are wonderful parents. I realize there are some reasons physical or sexual abuse that do require cutting parents off. Usually their reasons for detaching (if they even divulge their reasons ) are much less serious. If we dare to disagree or offer advice without being asked - you are deemed "toxic" and of course all the meme's on their bible - Facebook tell them that they should exclude toxic people from their lives. Even family. The unconditional love is only a one way street, we the parents are expected to have it for them but there is no such reciprocation from them to us. Once they have the ideal blackmail weapon ( grandkids ) they are not afraid to use them to teach us a lesson....er whatever that is supposed to be, other than they are of horrible character. It matters not that they are denying their children bonding and love and support from good grandparents. If they let you see them now and again then they feel their conscience is clear. No bonding tho. That might mean they would have to be cordial to us shunned ones. Unfortunately they are showing their children how to treat their parents, and their reward will be the same shunning. Of course they don't believe that as they view themselves as the "enlightened" generation. And of course even if they ever realize that the punishment they dole out to us doesn't fit the crime , there is NO chance of an apology. If they can't find a good reason for cutting you off, well they'll just make one up or exaggerate some partial truths. If you acquire an illness or neediness of some sort, get over it, so that you can concentrate only on what they need from you. Your age or your health is of no concern of theirs, in fact you probably didn't look after yourself properly so that you could be acceptable to join them out in public. If you aren't 100%, don't expect them to close ranks to assist you, rather expect to be excommunicated. They are unwavering and have no guilt. And if you have other children or they like the other parent, expect them to try to enlist them in the shunning. Sorry to be so blunt, but I belong to a couple of groups of as you put it rejected parents and this sums up the way it usually goes. There is of course a journey to acceptance of the reality. It is found that grovelling, apologizing for whatever it is that makes you less than, reaching out, even begging only fuels their fire. Eventually the ones who have been in the situation long enough decide that they've suffered enough for what they don't deserve and close the door. Again, sad for the grandchildren. But their children's happiness is way way behind their need for revenge against perceived sins by their parent (s). The main thing to remember : It's them, not us who are less than.

[here today]

Originally Posted by Blueish

. . .The main thing to remember : It's them, not us who are less than.

I DO think that public attitudes toward parents currently is pretty much, "If we're not getting along, it's your fault", which contrasts with the way I was taught and was with my less-than-perfect parents. I loved them, noticed their "flaws" and the reality of them and their lives more as time went on. But I loved them in spite of everything and that love-for-them is/was a part of me. Love is very mysterious and I guess it can lead us sometimes to relationships that aren't perfect, maybe aren't even "good" for us. But love is love and I loved my parents.

That's not what people focus on these days. I believe the pendulum will swing back eventually and hopefully stay in the camp of "love".

However, one positive with the way things are now is the focus on the reality that adults are, or can be, independent and therefore equal human beings. That changes things in parent-child relationships, for sure.

So I disagree with the last line in your post -- I think that neither generation is "less-than", we are equal, but different. That's definitely a difficult shift in attitude and not one that I was taught growing up but have learned in the last few years and it works. I was livid with my daughter when she stopped communicating with me without so much as a "Mom, you did X and so I'm not going to talk to you any more". But I love her, too, and the love lasted longer than the lividness. Thank goodness!!

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by here today

...I think that neither generation is "less-than", we are equal, but different. That's definitely a difficult shift in attitude and not one that I was taught growing up but have learned in the last few years and it works.

Each case can have some of its own unique factors, of course, but I would definitely agree nothing is gained by either generation believing itself any better or greater than the other. My parents divorced after I was married and on my own, but I ended up divorced and had abandoned my two daughters before the younger had even started school. Many years later we reunited and were all together for a while -- my second wife and I, my two daughters, a son-in-law and my grandchildren -- like "The Waltons", but their challenges in life were much different than mine had been and just as mine had been much different than those of my parents. Either of my daughters would willingly take me in today and even change my diapers, if ever necessary, just as I had once changed theirs, but I have learned the hard way that we parents are the ones who need to do the most adjusting for the sake of maintaining and growing our parent-child-grandchild relationships in an ever-changing world.

[turtl]

I appreciate everyone's posts on this highly upsetting topic that has occurred in my life also. I have tried to understand why and spent years reliving life in our past trying to ascertain exactly where I went wrong. I finally joined a group and sort of"tweaked " the applicable guidelines for my particular situation and it really was helpful. But after moving out of the city to an area that offers zero sources for survival, I find that I falter so very much now. It's difficult in all areas of life but without my children and grandchildren to enjoy I cry more than I ever thought possible.
I do believe that I my situation, my children and their spouses live busy active lives. I am thankful for that actually. I would like to believe that as they get older they will want to know more about their history from whence they came! In the meantime, I try to remember that they must work thru the perceived slights or whatever at their pace. Which says more about them than me when they keep their distance and refuse contact for years. Love to know more about the online resources and elsewhere that are available for folks such as us. Thanks for the insight here.~~

[turtl]

I just wanted to check on the message I tried to post just now. I seems to be gone. Like disappeared. Black hole. Space. Gone. I'm really new to all of this posting etc. It gets very overwhelming for me.I have to slow down and breathe!! But I was wondering if I did something wrong. Please let me know if I have. Thanks~~

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by turtl

I just wanted to check on the message I tried to post just now. I seems to be gone. Like disappeared. Black hole. Space. Gone. I'm really new to all of this posting etc. It gets very overwhelming for me.I have to slow down and breathe!! But I was wondering if I did something wrong. Please let me know if I have. Thanks~~

Turtl welcome to Psych Central. You have not done anything wrong. The first 5 posts of new members are in moderation but now you have 6 posts and your posting should appear immediately.

[jaser]

Well their is hope, if you are over 60 then you can call protective services for the elderly. The silent treatment is emotional abuse and your kids can be held accountable for their actions. Verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse is way under reported and the elder people need to know they can report this abuse and get help with their family issue. Elder abuse is against the law in almost every State in the US.I am dealing with an elderly abuse issue myself right now, and I spoke to protective services and described my situation and they agreed that I was being abused. Any one can read up on elderly abuse on the internet and see that more people need to bring up emotional and verbal abuse. The silent treatment is emotional abuse and is against the law. Verbal abuse is a crime, as well. name calling, belittling, demeaning, Yelling and screaming, insults, withholding love and affection as a means of punishment, Using threats to intimidate,Neglect is when a caregiver does not provide for an elder's safety, or for his or her physical and/or psychological needs. Physical neglect can mean failing to provide an elder with adequate and necessary medication or physical therapy, not taking care of an elder's personal hygiene needs, or forcing an elder to live in unsanitary or potentially harmful conditions. Psychological neglect can mean leaving an older person alone for long periods of time or failing to provide social contact, activities, or information.
all these are forms of abuse punishable by fines and jail time. So if you are being neglected or emotional abuse make that call you shouldn't have to accept less then favorable treatment form any family member.

[bessiemsantos1]

Hi there, I have also seen most of them leave their parents when they get old. Very bad thing.

[emgreen]

I attend AA & have befriended two men in their mid-70s who have lost their wives in the past few years. Lonliness is a big problem among the elderly, & these two guys just appreciate a phone call during the day so they have someone to talk to. Since I am estranged from my kids, I sometimes wonder if I'll find myself alone & lonely when I get older & if my GF dies first. While some might say my "friendship" with those two guys is an act of kindness, I view it as karma, or paying it forward. There may come a time when I need to hear a voice on the phone to break the silence. Getting older is more difficult for some people than others.