[BBGR]

Hello,

I am for almost 10 years in a relation with my now fiance, and future wife.

I consider her as a perfect woman for me: beautiful, fun, I never get bored with her, we have so much in common etc

Before her I just saw a couple of women,but she was my only real girlfriend.

The first years of relation with her were intense, I was very often very aroused near her. We were kinda shy (I think I had also some psychological ed) so we started to get intimate slowly.

Sex with her is, also now, sweet and enjoyable with her, but I am not as aroused as I was in the beginning, which I think is very normal.

However, after a few years of being with her, I started to become more and more obsessed with thinking about other women, till I saw some others knew from internet.

Possible trigger:

I started also going to escorts/prostitutes, as I felt I want to experiment more, with other women also. I did only oral sex with them (me active)

I never intended to find another women to replace my GF.

Till now, I cheated on her with around 20 women (only oral sex), only with one I had also normal sex - this one was like the only "long affair" (I kinda got sexually bored also of her after a while, even tho I felt the lust feeling; but the love feeling was surely all the time for my fiance)

Usually after I make something sexually with a women I don't know, I am no longer interested in her.

I cheat mostly from impulse. Also that I feel myself often very aroused and thinking a lot about sex with women I don't know.

But I really do love my fiance.

Just that I find it hard to resist to do sexual stuff with other women.

What do you think?

[LiteraryLark]

You need to tell your fiance and let her make her own choice of how she wants to deal with you. You also need to get her and yourself treated for HIV and other STDs. You don't know what creepy crawlies prostitutes have...

[CutegirlS]

i love your honest conversation here. this is important for you to tell everything that will help you feeling more relief. you really do love her you just need to share your pain with her. and there are many way you can recover for yourself. it is not good for your mental and physical health having chat with many women for fun. it can be the reason why you are here because you can not take it and upsetting yourself mentally. why it is so hard to resist for you?? is that because they are keep coming back to you and wanting you to have sex with them??? first thing is you need to strong? and share your issues with your doctor as well beside her (who is you love). your fiance may help you out if she is really understandable person i believe she will be because you love her. this is serious because it is causes you a lot mental reason i guess.

[sarahsweets]

I am having a hard time wrapping my head around you loving her but having sex with 20 other women,

[bpcyclist]

I will be blunt. You have absolutely zero business marrying anyone right now. You gotta figure out what is going on with you.

[BBGR]

For me going to escorts in order to make them do oral sex to me is not something my fiance is guilt of, or because something is lacking from her in my regard.

I consider her as my soul mate, my dream partner

I am sure any other woman I could have been with, would had been the same situation.

Going and doing this kind of things is like an addiction for me, doing something from impulse and to "escape" of stress and routine.

Like if I would have been addicted to gambling - that would have not mean I do not love her, no?

[Be Still]

Hey there! Thank you for being so open with your personal life. It sounds like you really do love your fiancé and there is nothing you find disheartening about your relationship with her. Perhaps then you need to do some internal work with yourself and ask some challenging questions. Look deeper into how you formed relationships with people from early childhood to your manhood. Was there neglect? Abondonment? Rejection? If we experienced these emotions and don’t get a hold of them, they tend to affect how we bond with others later in life. Maybe you are scared of fully committing every part of you with your fiancé? Who knows. But if you look deeply into it, and if your love for your fiancé and her happiness means everything to you, I believe you will get to the bottom of the root of this cheating.

All the best!

[BBGR]

My fiance is somehow aware of this "problem" of mine but I did not told her all the details. She tells me this is my negative thing - as I am kinda obsessed with women
I did only protected oral sex with escorts - I am very aware of STDs so I took all the required measures

[BBGR]

Thank you "Be Still"

I had some self esteem issues in my teens years - and I felt rejected by girls, maybe that's why now I felt this urge to experiment with plenty

I hoped that if I experiment with some I will get rid of this desire to experiment with others and finally do all my fantasies

But now it had turned into something I do from impulse and to get rid of "stress" and daily routine

[Crazy Hitch]

You’re a sex addict in denial. Don’t butter things up.

Go back to your post and reread each sentence where you used the word “only”. Why are you downplaying your heinous acts?

For the love of all things good - go get yourself tested for every single STD and tell your fiancé what you have done.

[Have Hope]

You need to be fully open with your fiance and get tested for STDs. Your fiance deserves to know, especially if she's expecting monogamy. She should be tested too. I agree with the others above.

[IceCreamKid]

I think your post is more appropriate on a sex forum, since that is what this seems to be about. Since you asked what we think, I will share this: I think you should tell your girlfriend you are having sex with other women, and tell her exactly what you have been doing.

[Open Eyes]

I agree with other posters in that you need to be honest with this woman who is engaged to you. Your problem should not become HER problem. That includes your picking up some STD and giving it to her. You also need to get to the bottom of why you seem to have the need to be with so many women, what is it in you that you can't seem to fill?

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by BBGR

My fiance is somehow aware of this "problem" of mine but I did not told her all the details. She tells me this is my negative thing - as I am kinda obsessed with women
I did only protected oral sex with escorts - I am very aware of STDs so I took all the required measures

She deserves to know ALL details before she agrees to marry you.

Why get married? Most marriages are monogamous and committed unless there’s an agreed upon open marriage contract.

Sounds like you are a sex addict with no control over your impulses. Your fiancé deserves to know this. It’s only fair to her.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by BBGR

Hello,

I am for almost 10 years in a relation with my now fiance, and future wife.

I consider her as a perfect woman for me: beautiful, fun, I never get bored with her, we have so much in common etc

Before her I just saw a couple of women,but she was my only real girlfriend.

The first years of relation with her were intense, I was very often very aroused near her. We were kinda shy (I think I had also some psychological ed) so we started to get intimate slowly.

Sex with her is, also now, sweet and enjoyable with her, but I am not as aroused as I was in the beginning, which I think is very normal.

However, after a few years of being with her, I started to become more and more obsessed with thinking about other women, till I saw some others knew from internet.

Possible trigger:

I started also going to escorts/prostitutes, as I felt I want to experiment more, with other women also. I did only oral sex with them (me active)

I never intended to find another women to replace my GF.

Till now, I cheated on her with around 20 women (only oral sex), only with one I had also normal sex - this one was like the only "long affair" (I kinda got sexually bored also of her after a while, even tho I felt the lust feeling; but the love feeling was surely all the time for my fiance)

Usually after I make something sexually with a women I don't know, I am no longer interested in her.

I cheat mostly from impulse. Also that I feel myself often very aroused and thinking a lot about sex with women I don't know.

But I really do love my fiance.

Just that I find it hard to resist to do sexual stuff with other women.

What do you think?

I really think your fiance need to know and if your cheating on her now what going to happen when your married. She need to know that she need to be tested for std. I would seek a therapist who specializes in cheating How can you love someone that you been cheating on?

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by LiteraryLark

You need to tell your fiance and let her make her own choice of how she wants to deal with you. You also need to get her and yourself treated for HIV and other STDs. You don't know what creepy crawlies prostitutes have...

I agree with what you said about std.

[BBGR]

I do think I have a sex addiction.

That's also why I really do think is a problem with me (for sure not with my partner), and no matter which any other woman with whom I would have been in a relationship with, I would have done similar.

I told my fiance I think I am somehow "obsessed with sex" (even tho I do not think about it all the time, and I have days when I really would not want to cheat, neither have the mood for no matter which woman to have sex with)

I also told her that I can make sex with other women, but I see them like a "pizza" - with no feelings at all, just to use for my addiction - something that I like.

We somehow discussed this and I think she knows I did oral sex with others. I do not want to share everything with her because it will only hurt her - I do not see the purpose to give all this details. Of course also because I fear she will eventually dump me.

The problem that made me cheat in the first place I think is also that I did not found this as something very bad.
In my mind it was not something very wrong - just like I want to eat a very good meal, like that I wanted to do some fantasizes with some other women. Things I find exciting only if it is with a woman I have not did anything sexually yet.

Now is somehow the same - I sometimes have strong urge to do something like this and find it difficult to retain myself

I fear not to become more and more obsessed with this, to hurt my fiance, lie to her, to lose money without purpose etc

[Have Hope]

You can’t have your cake and eat it too. She’ll dump you when she finds out you’ve lied to her and cheated on her with prostitutes. Do t get married. It’s not fair. It’s not right.

[~Christina]

She can’t be the “ perfect woman” for you if YOU think it’s okay to go have oral sex and I’m sorry I don’t believe it’s only oral given to you while your wearing a condom.

I do think this thread belongs under the sex forum due to content.

I’m probably seeing this more as bragging than actually wanting advice to be true to that “ perfect woman”

Man up and pick one woman or stay single and have sex with anyone that consents.

[BBGR]

Thank you for the answers

But honestly I would have wanted more complex advice for me and how to improve. I do admit is a problem with me, so some support and advice how to overcome this problem would have been more appreciated than "go tell her, you ll get dumped, you must be single" or "it's not fair" "you re a sex addict in denial" etc I though is a forum for sustain and improvement, somehow like visiting a therapist.

I don't know, but me if I know someone who's addicted to gambling, I don't tell him - "you don't deserve to have a family to spend all the money on gambling, you deserve to be isolated - no friends no nothing to borrow you money; you must get dumped by your wife for spending all the family money etc"

If a men with a problem that he admits goes to a therapist and receive advice to rest single forever and gets "suggestions" (by being reprimanded) that he is a totally jerk (even if it is true ), I don't know really understand what's the purpose of such a specialist.

[Uncharted]

I'm not the right person to give advice for possible sex addiction but in my opinion, whatever the problem is, and if you really want to get help, you need to understand and find out why this is happening in the first place. And if you have trouble doing that on your own, then i think it would be best to go to a therapist that's right for you and talk about it with them. I personally believe that when we cheat, then it means that we're not 100% happy with our partner. Usually there's something missing. It's possible that you don't wanna believe that. If this is a case of an addiction things might be different, I'm not sure. I think you need to keep an open mind about it, and if you're willing to go deep and find out what your issue is exactly, you should be prepared that some things might be different from what you believe/think. Hope you figure this out.

[BBGR]

Originally Posted by BBGR

Thank you for the answers

But honestly I would have wanted more complex advice for me and how to improve. I do admit is a problem with me, so some support and advice how to overcome this problem would have been more appreciated than "go tell her, you ll get dumped, you must be single" or "it's not fair" "you re a sex addict in denial" etc I though is a forum for sustain and improvement, somehow like visiting a therapist.

I don't know, but me if I know someone who's addicted to gambling, I don't tell him - "you don't deserve to have a family to spend all the money on gambling, you deserve to be isolated - no friends no nothing to borrow you money; you must get dumped by your wife for spending all the family money etc"

If a men with a problem that he admits goes to a therapist and receive advice to rest single forever and gets "suggestions" (by being reprimanded) that he is a totally jerk (even if it is true ), I don't know really understand what's the purpose of such a specialist.

not 100% happy with my partner I think is very probably - and normal in the mean time

Of course she is not perfect, neither our relationship

But I've never found in my whole life another woman that is as compatible with me as she is

And nobody is perfect, neither any relationship

I am almost sure if I would have another GF I would have done the same - probably not the first months in the "honeymoon" period, but certainly after a while

If I would blame my GF and search for another woman to have a relation with, I will most probably do that for whole my life, because I will never find someone "perfect" (it does not exists)

And if the problem is within me (which I think most probably is the case), no matter which partner I have, I will do the same

This is kinda easy for me to figure out, because my "addiction" and fantasy is to do sexual stuff with women that I don't know - and after I do sexual stuff with even a very attractive woman, I kinda lose interest quickly after

[Have Hope]

In your first post, you posted "what do you think?" asking for opinions. People gave their honest opinions. You also stated that as long as you've been doing this, you didn't see anything wrong with what you're doing.

Then you later said it's a problem and admit it's an addiction. Now that you realize it's a problem, what do you do about it? You see a professional and talk to them about it. You probably need a sex therapist, or someone who specializes in sex addictions.

People tell you it's only fair to tell your fiance because she has a right to know what she is getting into, just like with any other addiction. If you fear you're going to keep doing it and you do not have an open relationship where sex with others is allowed and OK, why not delay getting married or not marry at all? Your fiance is going to have a rough time with this in the future, if it continues the way it has been. You do need to think of her well-being in this matter too. I hope this is helpful.

[Uncharted]

Originally Posted by BBGR

not 100% happy with my partner I think is very probably - and normal in the mean time

Of course she is not perfect, neither our relationship

But I've never found in my whole life another woman that is as compatible with me as she is

And nobody is perfect, neither any relationship

I am almost sure if I would have another GF I would have done the same - probably not the first months in the "honeymoon" period, but certainly after a while

If I would blame my GF and search for another woman to have a relation with, I will most probably do that for whole my life, because I will never find someone "perfect" (it does not exists)

And if the problem is within me (which I think most probably is the case), no matter which partner I have, I will do the same

This is kinda easy for me to figure out, because my "addiction" and fantasy is to do sexual stuff with women that I don't know - and after I do sexual stuff with even a very attractive woman, I kinda lose interest quickly after

Of course no one is perfect. But when we cheat there's always a reason.

I think you've taken a good step by not blaming it all on her and recognizing it's probably your issue causing this.

You keep describing your "addiction"/fantasy but have you ever thought why it happens? Why does it have to be strangers and not someone else? There's a reason it is the way it is. If you don't know why exactly you're doing it, you won't be able to stop it. Also, you're not sure if this even is an addiction and of course no one here can actually diagnose anything. We can only assume from what you're telling us and already know. And thats why I recommended an open mind and a therapist.

[BBGR]

I thought about why I am doing it, but cannot figure out a solution to it

Honestly, I do it because I find it exciting to do sexual stuff with women I don't know, because there is much more mystery about them and their bodies (in a sexual meaning)

For me sex is like 80% fantasy in the mind and only 20% the actual thing of having sex.

I can't say I really enjoy that much when escorts, or different women that I don't know, do oral sex to me. But the fact to explore their bodies and arrive to that thing, is something that I find very exciting.

When I see a woman that I find attractive in the town/on the streets (so dressed) I fantasize about her in a sexually manner.
But after I discover all her body and do something sexually, I loose a good proportion of my interest.

I can maintain my interest maybe only if I develop an "lust" (getting "in love") period.

That I had with my fiance.
When I make sex (love) with my fiance, is only about the pleasure and our connection. I enjoy it and I find it sweet. But it cannot replace the excitation I have doing sexual stuff with woman I don't know. Nor doing sex with strangers for sure cannot replace the sweet sex I do with my GF.

That's why I cannot find a solution to this problem of mine. And I really think that regardless of which woman I can be in a relationship with, I would have did the same (probably not only in the honeymoon period if I am "obsessed", in a good way, over the girlfriend - but I know this honeymoon period doesn't last very much, it s impossible)

I am not at the point this is on obsession to me - I am with my GF for almost 10 years and I cheated like that around 20 times. i know it sounds much, but if we divide it's like 2 times a year - and usually only 20 min at that's all.
And I don't thing that much about sex or obsess about it all my time

But I think however there is a problem. I would had preferred that I am different, of course. I also fear to not do it even more often, I actually want to stop it completely.

To find new vision in my life instead of thinking that much about women
To make a family with my fiance and stop doing this strange things I am doing (to actually stop wanting to do them, to not think about this anymore)