[Grithnir]

I feel like being a little confessional here, because I have been dealing with being gay or SSA my whole life and it has lead to beatings by my father and now schizophrenia. I had a terrible manipulative relationship with another young man in college that was more linguistically intelligent and much more developed then I myself was at the time and it really gave me a twisted view point of all sexual relationships.

At the peak of my insanity I had unprotected sex with a man that later as I found out was infected with HIV. I lived with him for four months, of otherwise being homeless. I didn't contract the disease and became scared out of my mind to have any further relationship with a man and because of this woman I met turned to going to a church for a while.

Well I dissapeared from that and got carried away meeting men on the internet to fool around with but usually not anything fully sexual. It seemed exciting but got my hopes up that I had met a new friend that would be a consistent friend and those were dashed with the flakiness of the gay community.

I live with a heterosexual man, who is my best friend. At one point I convinced him he was gay and we should have sex but now that is over with and he is on Prozac making him practically incapable of having an erection. He is also mentally ill and we have lived together since 2002 all over Europe and America.

After my internet meetings with men at coffee shops, I all the sudden decided that I needed to be Catholic and found a website of men fighting their same-sex attraction and masturbation. I have lost interest in that and am feeling a grudge to all Americans at the moment with my dad being my enemy number one.

I flipped out about who was helping me with my schizophrenia and they sent a new PSR worker to my house and she brought up my religious affiliation, so then I asked her what her's was, and she said "LDS". I was infuriorated and depressed at the same time, the whole time she showed her cheery face to me.

I really hate the conservative state I live in and have been checking the NAMI site to see which states are rated better than others in mental health care services and my state has an F, but just to the west of me, Oregon has a C+, slightly higher than California. I have checked into moving to California before but they don't offer PSR, counseling, and probably not a personal care assistant that is vital to me eating actual meals and keeping my apartment clean. I have decided on a city in Oregon to move to that I have been to before and it is not Portland.

I want out of here but know I will be mistreated everywhere I go, but the fact that the state I live in listens to Rush Limbaugh and practices bigotry makes me think if all the sudden our nation collapsed into a witch hunt, fascist state, that I would be put to death, in my paranoid mind.

I don't know what to think or do about being gay anymore and just leave it to my roommate to decide that we can hug and cuddle but no sex, which is fine with me as I am losing the ability to have an erection from all the medications I take as well.

I joined the Catholic chat last night and heard stories of men that had been married and then went gay all the sudden and ended in misery and suffering for their shame and it's too much for me to handle. I don't feel that way, and I feel like moving to a more liberal city I would get better support by people, and probably more professionalism and less intimacy which is a common problem people complain about in the city I live in, is that it's a tight knit community with all of this organized religion that people talk to you like they are family and I don't like that and makes me want to run away. I prefer professionalism and anonymity, but at the same time jovial disourse as well.

Should I move?

Should I pierce my ears? I have always wanted to.

Should I just consider myself gay and leave it at internet pornography to avoid any encounters with gay men that may end up hurting me.

I thank God that I have not been infected with any disease, and now am pretty sure about not ever having sex again, but it depresses me as I am in my mid twenties.

Any ideas would be appreciated. ~Grithnir

[Ascension]

Welcome to PC Grithnir. I am sorry that you have, to this point in your life felt, like you don't have a place in the world to be who you are meant to be. I am saddened that you feel like you don't have any place in the world but you do. Finding it is hard for everyone, but with your life experiences it has been harder for you then most. I empathize with your feelings of feeling like an outsider almost everywhere you go. That the world would rather judge then to try and understand. I hope you don't allow the things that have happened in your life to convince you that you should be someone else or that you aren't a good person. I hope you can learn to be okay with who you are and realize that mistakes we make don't have to identify us but are experiences for us to learn from and embrace. I really hope you find peace with who you are, then the negativity that pervades the world everywhere won't overwhelm you so much. You deserve to be happy no matter your gender preference or the fact that you are dealing with mental illness. Good luck and I wish you happiness.

[lynn P.]

Hi Grithnir,
welcome to PC. I agree with Ascension that you should be happy with who you are and don't try to change your sexual orientation. If you think it would make you happier and if you're able to move to a more liberal area - then you should. I live in Canada and gay marriages are accepted here. I think you should stay away from religious groups that claim they can change someones sexual orientation - that's rediculous and just forces denial. There has to be religious organizations that embrace homosexuality. I personally believe I don't need to officially belong to a religious group, to be close to God.

I hear in your post that you're hoping for a monogomous relationship and want to steer away from the promiscuous relationships. There must be gay men like yourself who also want stability. You need to be careful with porn because it can be addictive and it can also cause desentization - this causes sexual problems sometimes.

My brother was gay but unfortunately he passed away from aids 6 yrs ago. I hear you when you say you're scared about safety and I hope you'll practice safe sex always. I loved my brother dearly and it didn't matter what his sexual orientation was. I speak about him, in hopes that someone will learn and not have the same thing happen to them. I think the most important thing for you to do, is accept yourself for who you are and know what you want in a relationship. When you accept yourself. you'll be less likely to feel you need to sneak around and engage in secretive sex, that could be dangerous for you. I hope you'll be able to find a nice monogamous person to share life with. Best of luck.

[larry78245]

I've read so much hear so much about gender ident that yes I'm confused, my emotions bend me one way w/so many questions I'm I gay, I feel like a woman, I cover it with mocho BS. I've been in straight relationships, been married and divorced gay relationship just told a female friend I'm transgendered What i'm I who I'm I etc.

[Grithnir]

Larry, I would say seperating yourself from a dependency on a relationship is needed to find out who you are. Once I had a PSR worker that I told about my Catholic support group about chastity for gay men. He told me I would be married to a woman in seven years. I was insulted and got over that. I am pretty sure about being gay, but I understand that normal male friendship helps increase the liklihood of not having an unhealthy attraction or like someone said secretive sex. My energy is spent now on independence, financial and emotional.