What if...?

...you CAN'T say no? A close, old friend that I've recently reconnected with came to me with this issue, in utter desperation, and I did not know what to tell her (I told her my opinion but she fears bias...warranted, I guess). She gave me permission to post a description of her situation here, provided her anonymity is protected, to see what others think. She is too embarrassed to actually approach anyone else about this.

My friend has been dating her boyfriend for about a year. She was abused by her parents in the past, and, like me, has PTSD and other problems as a result. She feels extremely uncomfortable about sex, sometimes crying after or during because she feels dirty or ashamed. She is not sexually attracted to her boyfriend, but lacks the courage to tell him so, because she enjoys his companionship (he has said he would cut all contact with her were she to break up with him) and because she feels like he has to do something horribly wrong to "justify" breaking up. She has trouble saying "no," to him, though, because she feels tremendous amounts of guilt for his subsequent sadness. She recently broke down and explained her discomfort with sex to him, and he grudgingly accepted this fact, giving her a year to "get better," making her promise to "work on it," etc. He still often makes snide remarks about her "frigidity" and she feels all the more guilty for it. He still pressures her into non-penetrative sex acts, and orders her to do things, not asking her permission before doing things, either. This sounds awfully like rape to me, though she doesn't actually say "no" or stop him. She CAN'T say no, because of the way she is because of her trauma; in her head, she'll be screaming, "NO NO NO!" but out of her mouth comes a meek, "It's okay." She looks sad during, but he doesn't stop, though he does ask if she's okay from time to time. She'll nod, but she'll wish she could stand up for herself instead. He knows this; she's explained it. He says he often feels guilty about it, too, but she's too scared to tell him that maybe he should. He often talks to her about sex, asking if she's made any progress in getting better for him, but she's preoccupied with more important things, like just generally maintaining her already fragile sanity. She's convinced it is entirely her fault. Is it? If she feels too weak and afraid to confront him or leave (and has made me swear not to talk to him about it for her), what can she do to help herself? Any advice or opinions I can relay/quote to her would be greatly, greatly appreciated...as would any advice to me on how I can help her without getting involved in business that isn't my own or otherwise hurting our friendship. I don't know what to do, or what to tell her. I've offered my opinion and support, but I want to do more. I don't know; it all makes me very sad.

Also: her trauma was never sexual in nature, making her very confused about her strong aversion to sex. Maybe this makes some sort of difference? Why would someone feel retraumatized by sex if they were never traumatized by it to begin with?

Well how sex is tied into our deeper self is always complicated. Nobody should ever feel obligated to have sex just to keep an relationship going. Doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship even if you put aside the sexual aspect of it. Anyone who would give a person a time limit to get better is not someone who is really caring and understanding.

You abilit to help her is going to be limited to her wilingness to accept your help. Offer what help your willing to give, but don't push, and don't feel responsible for things that are not your fault (not always easy to do).

Mike J has a point, sex is not just a physical act but an emotional one as well.. the emotions involved could very easily be what is triggering her.

As for the relationship, it doesn't sound very healthy, somebody shouldn't give their partner a time limit on getting better and the phrase that bugs me is "get better for him" if he was really invested in her emotional well being he would want her to work on it or "get better" for her own emotional well being not his own satsifaction....and he should be picking up on her body language and hesitations, espically if he knows her apprehensions and fear concering sex and sexual acts...

As for what you can do, that is a tricky situation, offer your opinon and information on the subject, you cant' make choices for her, I know it's hard when a friend is in a situation and you can't do anything to help, but you aren't responsible for her actions, and nobody can be helped unless they wish to be, just be her support and if your okay with it maybe you could show her this thread with the repsonses? I understand if the last one is a no, but it was just a thought.

I hope things get better for your friend and you

Best Wishes
Typo

Sex is an emotionally based act that gives us physical pleasure, therefore, many people forget the emotional side of it when they are engaging in sex just for fun.

I personally feel this friend needs to seek out a good therapist that she can talk to about her issues, then make a plan to work on healing her self from the inside out... then and only then will she be able to stand up for her self and if needed let this boyfriend go.

Wow! First off her behaviour is understandable. Having trouble saying no is not uncommon with people who have PTSD and like was said before I strongly recommend she sees a therapist. That would help with some of the pain and confusion. Also maybe she needs to reevaluate the relationship with her boyfriend and see if she wants it to be a sexual one in nature. It sounds like that not what she needs from him.
You mention that she isn't attracted to her boyfriend. I'm wondering if she's gay. Whatever is happening she needs to see a professional about this. All anyone on this site can do is give ideas and support; a lot of which is based on past experiences.

Maybe being single for a while would help. How old this person? If she is younger, it's possible she may grow out of this fear, but I doubt it.

Abuse is very difficult to overcome, especially if the abuse is sexual in nature. Has your friend sought professional help?

My hope is that she might get help before this fear of Sex is carried over into a marriage relationship, where the damage is irreversible.

I agree with everyone else but also what he is doing to her is emotional abuse. she needs to get out of this relationship.