Can I reprogram myself sexually... slightly?

So... I spent the first 20-25 years of my life being both fascinated by sex and avoiding thoughts/fantasies/stories of love or romance. I feared that no one would ever want me, so I thought it would hurt less to never think about love or romance... but I thought about sex a lot. I read erotic stories, but gravitated towards the non-romantic ones and BDSM. I became a little obsessed/addicted, and then just quit thinking about sex completely. Now I *want* to reconnect the two things in my head so that I can have a healthy sexual relationship, but I don't know how.

I think the root of your BDSM obsession will lie in your worry of not being wanted/loved. If you address and sort the emotional problem of feeling you are unloveable/unwanted (i'm not sure if you have low self esteem about anything?) then the sexual things you would think about would be more romantic and loving. I would address your first issues either with a therapist or online or with self help books.