[faith_13]

I have masturbated for as long as I can remember, from around 2. It was always clitoral, I orgasmed. I'm 30. I have had a difficult path through sexuality, I was raped when I was 16 and have experienced several other sexual assaults in my early 20s. I have always had massive problems with sex, I'd get panic attacks, freak out, feel sick. I always assumed that this was related to the things iv just mentioned, but there's another thing. Ever since I can remember masturbating, it is always about my dad, he comes into my head. Its the only way I can come. I feel completely disgusted with my self and sick and like I want to destroy myself. It is always linked to injury. When i was a kid, I guess about 4? My dad sprained his ankle, he was very dramatic and I can just remember it was a really big deal. He wanted a lot of attention. Somehow this has got connected in my head and when i masturbate I think about that, about how he acted, things he would say and the arrogance and self importance of it. He was always getting people to massage them and talking about it and getting my mum to massage him and it always made me feel angry and sick. And i don't know why. This has been in my mind for so long. Also my mum told me when she visited me in rehab, she said that when I was at nursery there was a woman there who worked there who had broken her arm, it was in a sling and my mum said that I went crazy screaming and crying and running away, that my reaction was really unexpected and extreme. I don't know why but I feel like this could be related? My relationship with my dad has always been very very volatile. He is a very angry man, and quite aggressive. I always just wanted him to love me. The hatred and resentment I feel towards him is unbelievable. He has aspergers syndrome. He is impossible to argue with, he will always win. I don't know what has happened to make me this way, I hate myself. I have done so many things to try to change who I am and get away from myself over the years. I have struggled with bulimia and binge eating since i was young, self-harmed and am a recovering alcoholic and heroin addict. I am just over 2 years clean, I do a 12 step program but all this stuff just seems to be getting harder or just like...more. I can't get away from it. Every time I masturbate, which is almost every day, I feel like part of my dies inside. I feel like i can't stop. I still purge sometimes, but not all the time. My parents are not together anymore, I have only had sporadic contact with my dad since they split. I feel like I'm crazy and i don't know what to do and i feel like I will never be able to have a healthy sex life. I haven't had sex since I got clean and the last sexual encounter I had was when I used to give men oral for heroin. I feel dirty and so so full of self hate I just want to me numb. Please if anyone can help me or help me to understand any of this it would be so appreciated. Thank you for reading it. Sorry it was long.

[Skeezyks]

Hello faith_13: Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. I'm sorry you have had so many difficult experiences. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support.

[PumpkinPieHead]

Hi Faith! Welcome to the community!

I read your entire post, thanks for sharing. Masturbation is a great way to reduce stress, no worries about doing it every day. Let's conjure up some ideas to get your mind off Dad when you do it. Do you like porn? Maybe putting on a video to focus on would keep your mind from turning to Dad?

[88Butterfly88]

Welcome to PC!

I'm a sexual assault survivor too and often think about violent things when I do it. Its not uncommon from what I understand. I'm not one who would recommend porn but if you do try it please don't watch anything violent. What I would do is try to imagine your dream date and dream partner and think about that while doing it. Hang in there!

[Kuras]

Do you presently see a therapist (sex therapist or otherwise)?

[Bill3]

I am so sorry for the immense pain you have experienced.

I wonder if your father was sexually abusive when you were a very young child.

I ask because masturbation at such a young age can indicate sexual abuse, and also because you associate sex with him.

[Phreak]

It's not uncommon for people to masturbate to thinks that they'd otherwise find abhorrent. I myself suffer from fantasies that I masturbate to that in reality are not only taboo but that I just wouldn't find a turn-on, and actually I hate myself for masturbating thinking about them.

What we masturbate about isn't a big issue, but you could still potentially benefit from speaking to a therapist about it and working the issues through. Additionally, you'd potentially get to the bottom of any connected and possibly suppressed issues that are also lurking there surrounding the issue that you may not currently be aware of.

All the best

Phreak

Originally Posted by faith_13

I always just wanted him to love me.

Maybe it's as simple as that.

Many people equate sex,or sexual feelings with love.

[Mysocalledlifehere]

I too masturbate while imagining the past abuse from my step father. I can't cum any other way. And it must 've my clit. I feel shame after but when he'd do 'stuff' to me I got turned on and I was around 10 I think. It stopped at 12. Why I feel like this idk but I don't feel normal. I masturbate often too. I can't talk to anyone about this. Looking for insight/help.