No desire/ relationship issues

Last night I had a "thing" with my boyfriend. I don't think you could call it a fight; I don't think he even realizes I am upset. I don't even know if I have the right to be upset about it.

First, some history: I have a seizure disorder. Between the two seizures and the drugs they put me on, my sex drive was knocked out completely. My boyfriend has put up with this, even though we haven't had sex for months now. Trouble with the doctors meant that it took a long time for them to switch the drugs out, so he has had to deal with a lot. I give him credit for that.
The trouble comes when he makes continual little comments about sex. Last night I jokingly took his soda can from him and asked what he would do for a Sierra Mist. He said he would (to paraphrase) [perform oral sex on me] or rub my [breasts]. I got upset and muttered that he never fails to remind me that I am failing him.

I hate feeling like I somehow "owe" him sex in the first place. I have been more than reasonable: I have even offered to allow a discreet affair, because I do think he deserves to have a sex life. But I already feel horrible about the fact that I don't want sex anymore (more than that even, I am repulsed by sex) and I miss sex terribly.And I feel bad that he and I are not enjoying the sex life we used to. Am I wrong to be upset when he suggests, jokingly or not, that I just jump right into a sex act? Or does the fact that he is nicely giving up his sex life give him the right to remind me of that whenever he wants?

I don't even feel like I can bring it up to him. To us a thoroughly non-sexual analogy: if you moved into your aunt's house rent-free it would be so nice of them to let you live there that you wouldn't really be able to complain if she reminded you every day that you were living there rent-free.

Am I being overly sensitive to get upset at this? Am I right to let it bother me? If I am, how do you talk to someone about something like this?

I think the fact that you have allowed him an affair means you are being more than reasonable . . . probably even too lenient.

To answer your other question, I don't think it's very classy to keep reminding someone of how you're tolerating them or giving them rent-free board for example, even if you are doing it.

There's this story in my language about a guy who gives a homeless man some slippers. Every day he asks him how are the slippers, are they comfortable? etc etc. Eventually the homeless man gives them back, saying he's better off barefoot than continually affirming the guy's good deed.

Hope this answers your question?

Men and women express their love in different ways. After 25 years of marriage my husband still makes sexual comments ALL of the time. There were times when I was medicated that I took issue with it because I had a circular “logic” that he was saying “I don’t get enough sex” therefore I would get irritated and angry and be even less in the mood etc. You see the cycle. One AD made me numb from the waist down and sex just flat out irritated me.

You have to talk these things out. What he’s saying and what you are hearing may be two completely different things. My husband believes that I should feel… treasured/special/wanted that he still acts like a hormonal teenager after all of this time. He wasn’t saying these things to bother me (even though they did).

One issue that we really struggled with was him touching my breasts at random times (as we were lying in bed watching TV or whatever) or patting my behind when I walked by him. He saw it as a sign of affection; I saw it as an invasion. I don’t know why, it hadn’t bothered me in the past. He really didn’t understand until I laid it out on the table in no uncertain terms: “I don’t like it when you do that, it makes me feel like a piece of meat. I know you’re trying to make loving gestures but it only makes me angry.” Oh, then there is the is HIS issue that by rejecting these advances does not mean I am rejecting him.

So I guess the bottom line is you have to ask him what his motives are. Is he trying to be cute and get you in the mood or is he being passive-aggressive? Even if it is the former, let him know that even though he isn’t trying to make you feel inadequate, that is what his comments do. Whether you’re being overly sensitive or not really isn’t the issue. This is something that is bothering you and if the relationship is going to work there has to be communication, compromise, and compassion.