he doesn't want to...

so, finally i am posting about this. i've known my boyfriend for 2.5 years, and have been living with him for almost a year. When I first moved in, we had sex a lot the first few days, then tapering off to about once or twice a week. Then it went down to once a week... once every 2 weeks..... and now it is not even once a month. I am 22 and he is 47. I know that as men get older their libido sometimes can go down, esp. with lower testosterone and stress. He is also working full time, and has a lot of stress dealing with that, his mom, and finances. He has some problems with depression, and he recently got put to a higher dose of citalopram, 60mg which is the highest you can take. I am on 40mg. Anyway... whenever we used to have sex I always had to initiate it. But it still happened. (I think ONE time he initiated it, but in my defense, I was already nude when he got home from work). But now, whenever I initiate sex he always says he is not in the mood, or too tired. I know he gets stressed out, and internalizes it, and doesn't show it as much like I do. And I try to be there for him and talk to him and everything. BTW, his parts Do work, its the lack of desire.

Tonight, I talked to him a little about it again. I know sex isn't all there is to a relationship. But it is still part of it, right? Normal 47 year old men have sex, right? Anyway, I try to be very understanding and listen and don't just be like "oh you have to have sex with me or else", none of that. I don't blame him. I don't blame anyone. I asked him tonight, if he was really satisfied with how much sex we have (which is less than once a month, we have had it 3 times this year i think). He said that he was. I don't understand that. Who is satisfied with just that much? He doesn't have any unresolved CSA or anything. I would love him still even if we never had sex, but... I guess I am still wanting to improve in that area. It seems like he just doesn't care about it. He used to always tell me things like how I deserve to be pleased and have fun (sexually) and all that. Cause i was recovering from a rape. He was the one who gave me my sexuality back, by being very gentle with me, and making me feel safe. But now I feel like he is taking my sexuality away from me. I masturbate a lot, because he doesn't want to engage. It is making me feel guilty for even wanting sex when he doesn't ever want it. Making me feel dirty again. I hate this. I just do not know what to do. I have asked for him to get his testosterone levels checked, and he agreed to, but has not. It's like, I am trying on my side, but he just doesn't try or care on his part. I know he cares a lot about me, and we love each other. And I know that whether or not we have sex, I still want to be with him, and love him just the same. But... well I don't know. I feel bad for wanting such a dirty thing when he is better and doesn't need it or want it. I feel ashamed. And I don't want to talk to him a lot about it, because, for one thing, he doesn't talk back hardly at all when I try to talk to him about it, and for another thing, it just gets us nowhere and makes me upset. Other than the sex life though, our relationship is great. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I've noticed that since we have hardly had sex, I have eaten much more and gained more weight, and started spending more money. I'm wondering if this is related. But boyfriend says to him, sex is very low on his priorities and that he just has too much responsibilities to deal with. But other men work, and have sex. He works at a call center, sitting around, waiting for calls. Sure it can be mentally tiring. But, i just don't understand it. Sure he has finances and bills and of course he has to put up with me LOL, .... and then there's his mom he has to deal with, but honestly there's not much he has to do for her. I try to get him back into therapy, but its really hard to because of his work schedule. But still, health is more important than work! Ugh, I just wish I could see some effort on his part. guess i am just rambling what has been on my mind tonight.... sigh...

Is he getting enough physical exercise? Fatigue could be a big part of being sexless and if he is physically and emotionally fit he may want more sex. How long since he had a routine checkup at the doc? Diabetes, hypertension, et cetera can be problems.

nope not a lot of physical activity at all. and he has no insurance so he hasnt been to a doctor in years probably...

Antidepressants have been known to zap the libido, but so does depression itself.

Eating healthy and exercising will go a long ways towards increasing testosterone levels, which in turn, increase sex drive. Not saying that's a sure fire solution, but it can't hurt.

Reducing stress can also help, but that's not always an option.

i'm worried he doesn't really want to eat better and exercise so he has more sex drive...

Perhaps, instead of suggesting that he eat healthier and exercise to up his sex drive, why don't you be a little sneaky about it. If you do most of the cooking, start trying to cook healthier meals. If you eat out a lot, maybe suggest you stay home and cook dinner together. In regards to exercise, maybe simply suggest after work at night to go for a walk. On weekends or days when you're both off from work, try to do something active together, suggesting it as something fun the two of you can do together. Throw a frisbee around, go for bike rides, hit a tennis ball back and forth. If you do these things simply to have fun and be together, he won't feel as pressured in regards to sex, so maybe the combined healthy eating, exercise, and spending quality time together will increase his libido.

It does seem like your boyfriend has a lot on his plate, however, once every three months is legitimately not enough for the average 22 year old... and I doubt it's enough for the average 47 year old, especially if it was different at the beginning of the relationship. Would it be ok to bring this up some time? Maybe if he's not up to it you could do other things to bring you closer (cuddling, anyone?). But what you're asking for is not excessive.

I have talked more about this to him tonight. It seems to me that he just feels like he has so many responsibilities and that everything in life is a huge burden to him. I think he even feels like our relationship is just another responsibility for him. Like, he feels like he has to do so much because people need him to, expect him to, and that he just cannot hardly deal with it all. I told him i wasn't minimizing his feelings and being overwhelmed and so stressed out by everything. But rather, that somewhere, there is a problem that is causing him to feel much more stressed out about everything than he should, which is causing him to not want sex. So while I don't think he can just get over this over night, I really feel like he needs to figure out what is causing all this, and at least try to make it better. But, when I explain it to him like that, I still see that he is interpreting it as just another responsibility that I want him to have. "I have to take care of my mom, do my homework, and work full time, and now my girlfriend wants me to fix this problem" is what is going through his head. I tried to say there are other ways of viewing things you need to do. Like, instead of just doing your job because your boss expects you to, making it your choice, like you choose to go to work for the paycheck so that you have the ability to buy things you need in life. And after talking to him about that, I asked if that made any difference, and he said no. I feel like I am doing all these things (going to therapy, using coping skills, eating better, exercising more) to better myself, yet when it comes to him, he has all these excuses NOT to do those things, like work and school. Well, there are other people in this world with even MORE responsibility than he has, who have more intimacy with their partners than he has with me. So it is not all just about his responsibilities. It is about how he handles them. That is why I think he would benefit from going back to therapy ( he used to go, but kinda quit going cause his job). I asked him now that tax season is over, and his work has gotten less demanding, if it would be ok if he took a half day off once every 2 weeks for therapy, and he said that would not be a problem. So I asked him if he would call and make an appointment with a therapist monday, and he said he would only think about it, not promise anything. Why does he make it such a big deal that I better myself, when he won't do it himself? I am getting frustrated.