[ready2improve]

History of me:

I'm a male, about to turn 29 years old. I've always been in great shape (was an actor in musical theatre for a number of years). Lost my virginity when I was about 19 years old. After that relationship ended, I basically became pretty promiscuous. I joined up on AdultFriendFinder and really enjoyed meeting a few select people for some casual sex. Any relationships that I had throughout that time were short-lived and usually very physically based. There was only one real relationship that had any emotional attachment, but I ran from it the second that "the trail got cold". Parents divorced when I was 12 years old.

Now:

Up until about a year ago, my sex drive was off the chart. No disrespect to some of the women I've slept with, but I slept with them simply because they had wild sex drives. There was no actual physical/romantic attraction outside of that sexual need. As long as both the girl and I were willing, I was a happy camper.

Then I met my current girlfriend. She's treated me better than I've ever felt with anyone. I've been able to show more of myself than I have with anyone else. My geek side, my gamer side, even my insecure side. This girl really has wife potential. I've seen myself marrying her and building a family together. I still continue to see that through this current issue.

About 5 months into the relationship (one year ago), she got laid off from her job. There was a chance of her getting her job back, though. Two days after we found out, I lost my erection while we were getting physical. I was humiliated. I still remember what she said: "Are you not happy, baby?". I literally felt destroyed. I started having panic attacks the next morning, and fought them for at least a month beyond that.

We kept trying (though failures usually resulted in more anxiety). I would hit a good streak, then lose it again. Even in the past year, I've never fully been able to get over my fear of trying to be physical. As soon as I get an erection, my mind instantly goes to: "oh my god, have sex now before I lose it!". I used to love going down on her. I used to love taking my time. Now I'm just scared and worried. When we get into the mindset of "let's try again this weekend", I start freaking out even more. The pressure makes my heart start to race, my palms sweat, etc. We can start, and I'll get aroused. Then I think about being aroused, but then I start to lose it. The thought of losing my erection makes me really upset and just awful inside. She's obviously disappointed, but not mad or anything at me. I know that she wants it back the way it was. I do, too! When we do manage to have sex, it feels amazing, and I totally forget about everything. Immediately after, she mentions that she can't wait to do it again. At the time, I feel the same way, but after the euphoria wears off, I start to worry again.

I know I'm attracted to her. When we get into the shower together, seeing her body, I start to get hard. However, it's like I feel the need to suppress it because I don't want to get started and not be able to finish. It's like I've gotten into the habit of hiding it so I won't have to deal with the potential frustration and sadness if I lose it. My sex drive has taken a major dive because of it.

I do have sexual dreams, sometimes of her, sometimes of other random women I don't know. I can masturbate to porn just fine, but there's that little feeling of guilt. I want all that energy to be towards her. I want this fixed. I want to try making watching a porn with her, but I'm afraid she'll interpret as she's "not enough for me." Normally, I like very heated and energetic sex. I know sex for men is almost all physical and for women emotional and mental. I feel like I'm totally in my head about it.

I don't want to go back to the wild days. Sex was good and it was exciting, but it wasn't fulfilling. None of them would I ever see myself with long term. My girlfriend is awesome. I want to channel all that energy I used to have into her. I don't know if I'm nervous or feeling guilt or what.

No medication or physical issues (got checked right after it originally happened).

Men: Is it possible to completely rid yourself of this? There are times when I'm optomistic, but other times when I feel like I'll have that little "thing" in the back of my head for the rest of my life. =(

Women: Would you be offended if your man with this issue suggested things like a movie or exotic literature? What sort of things do you suggest I incorporate? I know that my mind has to be on her and the act, but it's just so hard to not think about what it feels like when I fail. I don't want her to think that it's her. I know it's all me.

Any and all advice is welcome. I obviously over-think things, and would love any input that can help!!

[lynn P.]

Welcome to PC ready2improve - sexual performance anxiety is a very common problem and most men have experienced this at least once or twice. You're used to performing well and place a great deal of importance on your sexuality. Most men place a lot of value on their sexuality but I think for you it was more intense. Sex is very important and you took a great deal of pride in performance. So it's understandable that you losing an erection would seem monumental - you really took it seriously and became worried.

Lets talk about what happens when a man gets anxiety related sexual problems - when you're feeling anxiety, the body produces 'adrenaline' - this causes a reduction of blood flow to the penis and results in you losing the erection. You became devastated when it happened which then sent the anxiety ball rolling for the next sexual encounter. Now every time you want to have sex with your partner, you automatically start worrying about whether you'll lose it again - this makes you unable to get an erection. It's all related to anxiety and learning to relax is the key goal.

From a woman's viewpoint - if she's nice, she'll be supportive. You can reassure her it's not her and she can tell you it okay and not a big deal. If you would have just shrugged off the first time it happened, you could have avoided this anxiety circle you're in now. Even if you lose the erection - you should continue pleasuring your GF other ways. There's also nothing wrong with stopping and doing other foreplay and if you get erect again...then you can start again.

Some sex therapists will advise not focusing on intercourse for a couple weeks but still do other activities of forplay. The goal is to take the pressure off of you and focus on the pleasure of other activities and being close. The purpose is to realize it's not all just about intercourse/orgasm. During these activities you can be perfectly relaxed and not worry about whether you're going to be erect.

If you think back to when you were fine - you didn't have to think about the erection - it just happened. Masturbation is normal and healthy, but the research I did, recommends not doing it for a couple weeks since it can affect sexual performance. In addition some men can become 'desensitized' from watching porn, where they no longer get stimulated from their partner, so be careful with this. WHen you're masturbating you completely relaxed and enthralled in the fantasy. You want to concentrate on getting in the same zone like place with your GF

If you can't handle this on your own, then ask your doctor what anxiety med would be good for this problem. I don't think you need one of the sexual enhancing meds. There's also an herb called Maca and it's supposedly good for this problem, but buy it from a reputable vitamin store. You can also look up 'mens kegal exercises' and start doing these several times a day - they can be done anywhere.

Speak with your GF and for 2 weeks don't engage in intercourse at all but make a point of being intimate in every other way. When you do decide to go ahead, don't worry about it. If you lose it, move on to the foreplay and use the stop and go method I mentioned before. Most men don't realize that porn can have this desensitizing affect sometimes. I hope it improves for you and try not to worry -the more you worry the worse it gets.

http://www.head-cleaners.com/perfsex.html#fix

http://www.streetdirectory.com/trave...ty_in_men.html

[ready2improve]

Thanks so much for the thoughts and input, Lynn. I really appreciate it.

I'm a worrier by nature. Had a few bouts with anxiety over the years. First serious girlfriend, graduating college, changing careers, etc. Most of the time I get through it and keep going. This time, I feel like I'm worried about how it can/will irreparably affect my relationship. I've read forums where an issue like this can end a relationship, and I don't want that to happen.

I totally see what you mean. When I can totally relax, and I'm not focused on performing, we have great sex. I think it's the repetition of the worry and anxiety that makes it worse, just like you said. It progressively affects my intimacy. When I kiss her just to kiss her, it's nice. When I kiss her, thinking that we're going all the way, I lock up. So it seems like what you're saying is to piecemeal myself back into it.

I'll make the suggestion to keep going even if I lose it. I do want to please her (that's always been my goal), so it's a downer when my issue stops the whole thing. I see the disappointment on her face when it happens, so I hope she can be open to this idea. There have been a couple times when we have just kept going and it's been fine. I just have to trust that.

Appreciate the advice regarding porn. I definitely don't watch it all the time. Maybe once a week. I'll even cut back on that.

All in an effort to get out my own head. Your detailed response has definitely helped. Any other thoughts, please don't hold back!!

=)

[lynn P.]

Happy I could help you ready2improve and I hope this put your mind at ease a little. Since there's many different causes / kinds of erectile dysfunction, it can be confusing. When you end up not being able to finish the traditional way...the first thing that pops in your GF's is - maybe she's the problem...not attractive enough etc, etc. You can reassure her it's not her and not to be discouraged at all. It would be a good idea to show her some links and information on performance anxiety.
On the upside, at least it's not the physiological kind of ED where you'll have to take a pill every time you're intimate