[littleyellowspider]

This is kind of a long story, but it's been bothering me and I was wondering if anyone had any advice.

At the end of last semester in April I was at an all-new low in my life, a big thing was that I was getting drunk every night of the week to deal with my feelings. One night I ended up making out with a guy from one of my classes, (I'm going to just call him Joe) just making out nothing else. I was drunk at the time and would never have done anything with him otherwise, he started kissing me and I stopped him pretty early on telling him that I didn't want to do that and left. The next day he commented on what had happened and said that he was interested in me. I told him that it was a one-time thing and that I just wanted to be friends. He started constantly texting me and getting angry when I didn't reply right away. If I didn't text him back within (seriously) 5 minutes he would start sending messages asking me why i was avoiding him and why I was acting weird. Joe was getting very over the top and so every time during the following week when he asked me to come over I refused.

But that Friday I started drinking at 5:00 and just kept going. By about 10:00 I really didn’t know what was going on. I don't remember a lot about that night past a certain point. But I do know that for some reason I agreed to go hang out with joe and some other people in the lobby of their dorm. I remember that he kept hitting my butt and trying to kiss me, I remember that at some point I gave in and was kissing him back, then i remember going with him to his room (later I found out from one of the other people who was there that night that it was to get more alcohol) I remember being very anxious. I remember there was a movie on in his room, I don't remember anything else. At all. The next thing I remember was lying on the floor of my room much later in the night crying and my roommate asking me what had happened. I am a compulsive drunk texter and had been texting a couple friends who weren't there throughout the whole night - I later read through my sent items and at one point my messages started saying things like (and I am fixing the spelling here, my drunk texting was barely legible) "please help me" "Can you come get me from Joe's room?" and "I'm really scared right now, i don't want this to happen." later on I had sent one friend a message saying "I'm really upset - this guy fingered me and I really didn't want him to." (I'm very open in my drunk texting) I woke up the next morning in a lot of physical pain and very little memory of the night before. I honestly have no idea what happened. Past what I told my one friend I don't know what I did with Joe, I don't know if we had sex or just what I had told him. I don't know if it was my idea or if I went along with it. I don't even know if I can be mad at him because I just don't know what happened. I was upset about the whole situation but there was a lot going on in my life and I pushed the whole thing aside.

Well after this I didn't do anything with anyone, drunk or sober. When I was drunk I just stayed away from any guy, not long after I went home for the summer, realized that my life was out of control and made some major changes. About a month after that I was with a guy, completely sober and completely consensual but when he touched me I basically freaked out. I got really anxious and upset, I disconnected from the situation and just lay there until he realized that something was wrong and stopped. In the middle of all of it I found myself thinking about the situation with Joe. Not long after that l started dating a really wonderful guy. I really liked him but the first time he touched me in a sexual way I, again got very upset and he had to stop. It took a long time for me to feel comfortable with my boyfriend touching me, every time he would do it I would feel gross and violated even though he was very caring and I wanted to be with him. Actual sex was just terrible. He and I just broke up (for reasons not related to this issue) and now I don't want to do anything with any guys. I don't want any sort of physical relationship. The idea of someone touching me in a sexual way makes me feel extremely gross.

I don't understand what happened. This was not any sort of sexual assault. I was drunk, I don't remember it. So why, ever since then, am I so uncomfortable being physical with someone? I don't feel like I should be. It's really bothering me and I don't know why i feel this way or how to change things back to how they were before.

[Healthy Sex]

Dear Little Yellow Spider,

It sounds to me like this sexual experience with Joe was very traumatic for you. Whether you recognize it as overt or subversive trauma, it seems like that experience had a serious impact on you. Stemming from this event, it seems that you have developed an aversion to sex.

I would suggest that you look into resources about Sexual Anorexia and the way in which life events can lead someone to avoiding intimacy and sexual contact. Take time to heal yourself and get to the core of why sexual contact is "extremely gross" for you. Individual therapy with a therapist that understands sexual anorexia would be a great tool for you to regain a healthy sexuality that is trusting, comfortable and meets your emotional needs.

Best of Luck.

[CantExplain]

If someone took advantage of you when you were drunk, that's a betrayal of trust, and would probably be traumatic. I can understand why you would find it difficult to trust and enjoy sex after that.

I recommend psychotherapy, but then I always do!

By the way, binge drinking is bad for you anyway. I'm guessing you already had issues. Once again, psychotherapy is indicated.

[likewater]

((((Littleyellowspider))))