I want insight... :S

**Ahem** TL;DR: Girl called me lesbian in a fight. Became more paranoid. Never doubted my attraction to men before that. Now I feel like I really am one. My past suggests I'm heterosexual but now I'm think I'm sometimes getting turned on by girls. Never used to. I used to have all the symptoms of OCD but now I don't really notice them as that. I feel exactly like one with no evidence that I'm not. Then I suddenly go back to thinking I'm possibly heterosexual like an unpredictable rollercoaster track.

Today, I kept seeing pictures of girls (not purposely, I rather avoid them) and almost had no anxiety. It felt like I was enjoying the idea of being a lesbian and getting aroused by the girls. I was upset that I had barely any anxiety. Everything felt so real, too. I never thought that I would be a lesbian ever. My sexuality was never something I really thought about. I just thought I liked men. But who's to say that those crushes I had weren't real crushes, but me just wanting a relationship? I thought all the male crushes I had were real as they were happening, though. But no that's all just a vague dream and it seems like it doesn't support me not being a lesbian whatsoever. I've typed out things similar to this before and most of the people would always say that I was straight. I understand them saying that through the first few months because I had all the symptoms of OCD then. I was still able to get a bit of reassurance myself that I really was straight and this whole thing was ridiculous. It started when I was having an arguement with a girl over Facebook last summer. We began to childishly throw insults back and forth and eventually she called me a lesbian because the way I dress. That girl had only met me once, really, so the entire thing was obviously ridiculous. But time went by and I began to worry about it more and more until I turned into the psychotic wreck I am right at this moment. I don't understand it when people say I'm straight. I don't want to be a lesbian but at the same time I do. I hate this and I want to die in a car crash or something. I probably already am a lesbian right now- no, this entire time. Maybe I've never found men attractive and just used it all as an excuse. Maybe I never had OCD.
I want it to stop but it doesn't. As more and more time passes, it begins to feel more and more real. It's almost like a split personality.
This new side of me is like this: "I'm a lesbian and I know it. I love the idea and I want nothing more than to be with a girl but I'm just scared and trying to deny it for some reason even though I know I get aroused by girls and find them attractive. I don't like boys at all and I want to marry a girl one day."
The other side is like this: "Oh God, why did I think that? No, I can't be a lesbian. I've had only crushes on men my whole life. Why would that change now? But those thoughts prove I must be... No. I'm not going to be. Why can't I just like men and realize it like I used to? Why do I have to be a lesbian? I never saw this coming! Why can't something just kill me?!"
I honestly have no idea why I write these things anymore. They do nothing for me. I just keep hoping that at some point I'll snap out of this and realize I'm heterosexual and always have been. But no it feels like it's so obvious I am and that I want to be and all that. It doesn't feel like I don't want to be AT ALL. But for the first 3 or more months all I wanted was to be heterosexual. I cried over it, got panic attacks, couldn't watch television (if it had women, I would be convinced that I found them attractive and then I would get really panicked. If it had men, I would be convinced that they made me sick and I would also get panicked), and spent the entire summer asking "Do you think I'm straight?".
I actually want those feelings of anxiety back. They just gave me more proof that this was all in my head. Before this I would always daydream about men and attractive women would upset me.
So all my past evidence suggests I'm straight. I have no idea what the recent evidence shows though.

----> Annnnnd right now I'm feeling like I'm heterosexual. It happens like that. I have no idea why.

Btw, Sorry if the message is unorganized or if there are any spelling errors. I just typed out a bunch of information.

Ok...I've seen all your other threads about this exact same issue, but I'm actually going to respond to this one.

First of all, just because someone calls you a lesbian, it doesn't mean you are. Nothing anyone says or does can change your orientation. That's just not how it works.

Why does it matter what your orientation is? If you're lesbian, it doesn't matter. If you're straight, it doesn't matter. If you're bi, it doesn't matter. Just be yourself. Stop thinking about it so much and just spend some time being yourself, the answer will eventually come to you. Don't worry about labeling it, especially if you don't even know what that label is at this time. Honestly, you never have to figure it out. If you want to date a certain guy, then go ahead. If you want to date a certain girl, then go ahead. You don't need to define your sexuality to do that.

Also, have you thought that maybe you might be bi? You seem to be going back and forth between straight and lesbian on how you think of yourself, maybe you're neither.

I'm not going to say "you seem straight" or "you seem gay" from this thread. The only person that can know that is you.

I agree with Nemo. whatever you are is fine whether its straight, gay or bi shouldn't matter. And if the girl that called you a lesbian was using it as an insult than shame on her, IT'S NOT. It's just kind of sad that her doing so caused you fear and anxiety about what you are. As a lining in the cloud I'm glad that the confrontation sparked fire inside of you. This may be the beginning of a journey of self discovery and whatever it is you find at the other end is perfectly fine. The idea is to live and find whatever makes you happy.

hello!.
Well I am a 23 year old guy..
I can proudly say I have lived 23 years of pure happiness and joy... But this past year 2011 has been TERRIBLE...

I feel exactly like you.. well only that I am a guy... WTF how sad, how can I be gay? when 23 years of my life I have been SO SO SO SO SO attracted to women, all my fantasies, and all, what is happenning I hate this blah blah blah....

It just doesnt add up me to as of how and why this is happenning. I love the idea of women, I find them fascinating, the most beautiful thing in the world lets say... And I just feel extremly frustrated that I cant even flirt anymore b/c it is a contant battle with my own thoughts.. "oh no dont ask her out.. you are a fag, you cant..." "oh yeah flirt a little but for what if you are not gonna get it up or even like it... you dont like that anymore..."

I mean it is a constant pain.. and the worst, I cant share it with any of my friends... I mean I am a soccer player, "kind of popular", all my buddies are the ****, we like mean jokes, etc... and this is BRINGING ME DOWN so much...

I was gong out with a beautiful lovely girl... she was all over me.. I HAD TO LEAVE HER.. how was I going to explain this??

Well.. but we must focus on reality, it is happenning and for a reason, we just have to face the fear... of at least sharing it with our couple... Just find the right words to say it... and build your courage, I AM SURE YOU WILL FIND YOUR MAN and that he will understand....

for the time being.. simply smile