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Old Sep 13, 2012, 12:51 PM
YogiCinco YogiCinco is offline
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About a month ago my 17 year old son told us he was gay. We are trying to be supportive, but are in shock and devastated. He has had crushes on girls, but never really dated. He is very masculine- top football running back in the county, track star. He is also highly intelligent and will most likely go to an ivy league school. He is extremely involved in the catholic church. Doesn't drink, smoke, eats only health food. Doesn't swear and is an excellent student. He is perfect in every way. I am not saying being gay makes him imperfect in any way. I just am wondering since he is so "straight and arrow- perfect child- model son" that this is a way of rebelling as normal teenagers do? Also his history of girls: the girl he loved all through grade school and middle school ended up dating one of his best friends freshman year. Then freshman year he had a crazy stalker girl stalk him for two and a half years. This girls was so crazy we had to file a police report, the school and district had to get involved to keep him safe from her (we were scared she would either stab him or make false accusations of rape). She was temporarily committed. I am also wondering if his experience with these girls contributed to him being gay. He said he has never had a relationship with a boy and he doesn't plan to while he is in high school. He does not and has not had a crush on a boy - he just knows he is gay. What do you people think???????
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  #2  
Old Sep 13, 2012, 04:19 PM
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KarriesBaby KarriesBaby is offline
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i can understand where your coming from i was exactly like your son i was perfect in every way grades, boys, school, etc. And when i was 19 i had my first crush on a girl it threw me for a loop because i was so scared that everyone would hate me and not want anything to do with me, i always knew i was different and i loved different but was afraid to act on it or say anthing so i kept it to myself, but i finally told my family they were devestated but they came around and there ok with it now all i can tell u is please dont walk away from your son, just because he is gay he is still your baby and always will be, loving differently is very hard lifestyle to live i wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy but we cant help who we are and who we love. He is not rebelling he is telling you that he is gay and wants you to support him and love him just as much. All i can tell you to do is stand by him and help him to know its ok to love who he wants and u will always love him and never leave him....i hope this helps you
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  #3  
Old Sep 13, 2012, 06:14 PM
Anonymous32511
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Hi YogiCinco - im not sure if ive interpreted the tone of your post correctly but i don't understand why him being gay makes him any less of a model son? And no i don't think teenagers would come out as gay as means of rebelling - i knew a lot of teens who were severely bullied and made to feel dreadful for something that is genetic and not a choice. I can't understand why in the 21st century this still happens. He could well have dated a lot of girls as a way of overcompensating - i also doubt what happened with his stalker turned him gay - as i said its NOT a choice. Also there are plenty of gay men who are masculine and enjoy sports - theres no set 'type.' Theres no reason why should be any less proud of your son, a persons sexuality doesn't define them. I hope in time you're better able to come to terms with this. Check out http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2 for more advice and information. I wish you and your son all the best.
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  #4  
Old Sep 13, 2012, 08:43 PM
Anonymous37913
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I am gay and can confirm that it is not a choice and cannot be changed. A lot of teenagers try heterosexual dating only to discover that sexual interest in the opposite sex is not there. Also, as a fanatical tennis player, I can confirm that there are many gay men who like and play sports. There are gay sports leagues of all types and an international olympic-like event held every 4 years called the Gaygames.

I think it is very important for parents to be understanding and to continue to emotionally support their gay children in their endeavors. Encourage him to date and to continue to refrain from alcohol and drug use. Society is rapidly changing in terms of acceptance and now marriage and parenting are options for gay men.

Also, I was raised Catholic and left the church for many years. Recently, however, I have found a parish in my area - not the closest to my home but close enough - that has an LGBT support group. I have been going and find it to be helpful. I encourage you or your son to research local parishes for similar support groups. If you have questions, feel welcome to PM me. All the best to you.
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  #5  
Old Sep 13, 2012, 09:17 PM
YogiCinco YogiCinco is offline
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Thank you to all that responded. I am very proud of him, i dont think any less of him, if anything i thing my admiration grows realizing how strong he has been in what he faces.

I need to hear as many stories as possible from you guys . Because I actually feel like I have failed as a mother. I haven't failed because I have a gay son. I have failed because I had no idea what he was/is going through. When he came out, he told us he was depressed for 3 years and wanted to kill himself. We didn't know he was sad, depressed, or realizing he was gay. We are actually friends with his pediatrician. I called her asking for a counselor. She was shocked. I told my best friend. Who is shocked and thinks he is just confused because there were no signs.

Also to anyone who is angry at their parents for not being supportive. Know that finding this out about my son is the most difficult challenge I have ever faced. I am depressed. I feel like I have failed and I have failed my son and family. My daughter (15) is inconsolable. Her brother was her best friend. She as well as my husband have a very strong catholic faith. This goes against everthing she believes in. I am trying to support both kids at completely opposite ends of the spectrum. I am not doing a very good job.

So please send positive comments and ideas on how to hold this family together in a supportive loving way!
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  #6  
Old Sep 13, 2012, 09:58 PM
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Harley47 Harley47 is offline
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The best help you can give your son is to show him you love him and support him. Keep in mind, I don't think he rolled out of bed one morning and chose anything, if you take my meaning. It's something that either is or isn't.

The best thing you can do for him is to acknowledge him for this, accept him for it, and ultimately let life resume as normal.
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  #7  
Old Sep 13, 2012, 10:26 PM
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Nemo39122 Nemo39122 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YogiCinco View Post
About a month ago my 17 year old son told us he was gay. We are trying to be supportive, but are in shock and devastated. He has had crushes on girls, but never really dated. He is very masculine- top football running back in the county, track star. He is also highly intelligent and will most likely go to an ivy league school. He is extremely involved in the catholic church. Doesn't drink, smoke, eats only health food. Doesn't swear and is an excellent student. He is perfect in every way. I am not saying being gay makes him imperfect in any way. I just am wondering since he is so "straight and arrow- perfect child- model son" that this is a way of rebelling as normal teenagers do? Also his history of girls: the girl he loved all through grade school and middle school ended up dating one of his best friends freshman year. Then freshman year he had a crazy stalker girl stalk him for two and a half years. This girls was so crazy we had to file a police report, the school and district had to get involved to keep him safe from her (we were scared she would either stab him or make false accusations of rape). She was temporarily committed. I am also wondering if his experience with these girls contributed to him being gay. He said he has never had a relationship with a boy and he doesn't plan to while he is in high school. He does not and has not had a crush on a boy - he just knows he is gay. What do you people think???????
What should you do to help? Just accept him. That can mean a lot more than you think. Does the possibilty of him being gay or bisexual bother you? If it does, why? And if not, make sure he knows that.

Now as far as why he came out to you as gay...whether he is for sure or not, coming out is an extremely nerve-wracking experience. There is at least a bit of confusion going on for him. Nothing, even bad relationships with girls, can "cause" someone to be gay. It's just a part of who someone is. You don't necessarily have to have crushes on specific people to know who you like. You can be attracted to people but not really have a crush on them. Also consider one thing...he's 17. A lot of straight guys at 17 don't want to talk to their parents about the specific details of who they like...it may be a bit more awkward for him especially since it sounds like he very recently came out. He's probably just not telling you who he likes or has liked in the past.
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  #8  
Old Sep 13, 2012, 10:41 PM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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Well congratulate yourself! You must have been a great parent if your son trusted you with his coming out! Just keep being that great parent by supporting and loving him!
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  #9  
Old Sep 15, 2012, 08:38 AM
Anonymous37913
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Hi, YogiCinco - You have asked for suggestions. Here are a few:
1. Make an appointment to privately speak with a priest at your Catholic church. Choose the priest carefully - you want to speak with the most compassionate, understanding one. While priests are required to go along with the church's policy publically, in private they can be much, much different. If the priest is understanding, a family intervention might be appropriate.
2. Explore other Catholic parishes, if necessary. Be aware that Episcopalians are the closest protestant demonination to Catholicism (they actually consider themselves Catholic) and they are much more progressive on the issue of homosexuality.
3. Please note that there is a lot of dissent in the Catholic church on the issue of homosexuality. Cardinal Martini - who recently passed away - said in his last interview just days before his death that the Church is 200 years out of date on many issues. In view of the recent scientific findings about homosexuality, the church has dug itself into a big hole and there is a chance it will reverse policy with the next pope.
4. Please seek treatment for depression. You will be better able to help those around you if your mental state is better.
I wish you all the best!
  #10  
Old Sep 15, 2012, 03:29 PM
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tigerlily84 tigerlily84 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Oxymoron View Post
Let me just be straight with you. Your son is not gay. If he was gay, he would never have dated any girls or tried to.

And being 'gay' is not a way to rebel against anything. You seem to be very ignorant but well you're also Christian soo lol.
Oxymoron - I think you're being very rude. You are more than welcome to have your opinion. But she's not being "ignorant" if she is reaching out for help. She has demonstrated that she wants to be there for her son. And others have posted that are gay that it is normal for people to try to date the opposite sex to figure out what they want. Not all Christians are the right wing conservative folks on tv. The world isn't black and white, use your head.
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  #11  
Old Sep 15, 2012, 03:35 PM
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lynn P. lynn P. is offline
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If your son says he's gay, then you should believe that. Due to his upbringing he's probably tried to fit in by dating girls, but realized he can't live a lie. I encourage you to take some deep breaths and use the link that bb2023 left. Your son being gay doesn't make you a failure as a mother - accepting his orientation does make you more successful as a mother. I understand its unexpected but eventually it will get better.

I grew up Catholic and my now deceased brother was gay. He never told my mother and I know he struggled with that. I understand as a mother we have a vision / ideas of how we hope our children will end up as adults - like getting married and having kids etc. Its very hard for a son or daughter to be honest with parents and siblings.

He's still the same son and brother - who he chooses to love has no baring on that. I don't want to be mean here - but on your death bed none of this will matter, but how you choose to react will have an impact on the future relationship with your son. Don't let religion tell you how to react to your flesh and blood. Best of luck.
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  #12  
Old Sep 15, 2012, 10:25 PM
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googley googley is offline
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Thank you for looking for support in knowing how to support your son. You should check out PFLAG (parents, familieis, and friends of lesbians and gays: http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2). It is a good resource.

I congratulate you on being a wonderful parent who your son felt comfortable coming out to. As nemo said, coming out is an excruciatingly tumulus process and a very hard decision to make. I didn't come out to my parents for six years after I came out to myself. It was a very nerve racking thing to do, even though I knew my parents should be supportive.

Your son is the exact same person he was before he shared this with you. He has not changed. He is still a wonderful son and brother. Given that your daughter and husband are having a hard time accepting this, make sure that he knows that you accept him and love him like you did before he shared. That you are supportive of him.

Given that he reports that he has been depressed for a time, you should look into getting him therapy for that. Depression as you might know can be debilitating. He will more easily be able to deal with the stresses of being a sexual minority if he is getting help for his depression. It will also give him a place to talk about the challenges he is going to face being gay. Make sure that the therapist you choose is GLBT friendly. I would be nice to think that all Ts are GLBT friendly, but some are not and some know more about the coming out process, the glbt community and the stress of being GLBT.

Tell your son (assuming it is) that it is okay for him to come and talk to you about anything. That you want to know whatever he wants to share and you are supportive of him exploring this part of himself.

Also know that depending on his own faith, it might be that he is feeling bad about being gay. He might have taken some of the homophobic church teachings to heart (not saying everyone in the church is homophobic, but that is the public presentation of the church) and that this is something he is having a hard time accepting.

Most of all, let him know that you love him and will always be there for him no matter what.

We have a glbt forum here on PC: http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=110 that you can join.
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lynn P., Nemo39122, notz, tigerlily84
  #13  
Old Oct 08, 2012, 09:09 AM
Isutus Isutus is offline
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First off, thank you for caring and trying to be accepting of your son. Your willingness to accept and open your mind to something entirely different than what you are used to inspires me.

I am 20 years old and came out to my family earlier this year. I was scared to death for the longest time because I was raised in a strong baptist home. When I came out to my mother, it was freeing and shocking all at the same time. She was shocked I was gay because I acted straight and she was also fearful because she associated gay sex with aids. While those responses may not be picture perfect to some, it was relieving that she didnt want to shun me or get angry with me.

Based off of my experience, I think the best thing you can do is show you love your son no matter what. Display that you care and are sorry about not recognizing it sooner. When you feel he is ready, explain to him how it is hard for you as well because you want to be there for him and show him your love but you dont know how.

Your post also gave me insight on what my mother might be feeling which is something I feel a lot of gay people and gay rights advocates forget to think about. Once again thank you for posting and I hope I was of some help to you.
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notz
  #14  
Old Oct 10, 2012, 12:48 PM
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ickydog2006 ickydog2006 is offline
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I'm going to throw my opinion out there, but before I do so I am asking that others be respectful, as my suggestions are going to differ from theirs. I am a Christian and I hate/fear being judged by those who do not know me based on the idiot representation that Christians have. Also, I will be using the term gay in place of homosexuals only because it is faster and easier to type. I mean no disrespect to anyone.

Also, I wonder what Your(original posters) beliefs are concerning homosexuality given your Catholic background.

I personally believe most gays are born gay, but I also believe it is a sin to act on these feelings. This is similar to my belief that I am born an alcoholic, but it is my responsibility to not give in to my cravings/desires. If you don't agree with me, I don't care, I'm not here to argue it, and neither of us will change each others minds on the subject so please don't turn this into that. I'm just giving background to explain what I would choose as a coarse of action (if I were in your place).

I would sit my son down privately, and explain to him my beliefs and why I hold them (biblical backing, expeiential backing, ect.)
Next, I would tell him that I love him no matter what he chooses. I'm not going to shy away or treat him any differently than I would if he were heterosexual. I will show equal respect to him and any partners he chooses to bring home. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of him. I believe he is going in a direction that God does not want him to, but that is the last I will bring up of it, unless he inquires further about my beliefs.
I would tell him that I really do love him and want him to know that he can come to me and talk about anything. I will listen and try to offer emotional support as best I can. I would tell him that I am sorry I didn't notice anything was going on sooner. And I know that this is going to be very difficult for him, whichever course of action he chooses to take. I would apologize for the way others are going to react and encourage him to let me know if he needed help.
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  #15  
Old Oct 10, 2012, 01:10 PM
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shinkikker shinkikker is offline
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YogiCinco: One thing you need to understand about sexual orientation is that it's not black and white. It is a spectrum. Sometimes, people who have always identified as straight find themselves attracted to someone of the same sex. Sometimes, people who identify as homosexual find themselves attracted to the opposite sex. It happens, but it doesn't mean that their previous experiences were any less valid. Sure, it is entirely possible that he is just doing this to rebel. But my suggestion is that you humor him, no matter what, because even if he is rebelling (which is unlikely in my opinion), he will come out of it knowing that he will always have your support no matter what.

It is really great that you are supportive of your son. Coming out to one's parents can be one of the most difficult things to do, especially considering the fact that he knows your family is Catholic. He really needs you right now. Tell your husband and daughter that he is still the same person they have always loved. He hasn't changed. And while they may disagree, they still should treat him with love and respect.
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