Trying to make sense and accept who or what I am

A recent post on this forum prompted me to post. I have had an inner conflict with myself for most of my life. I know I am a contradiction as I am shy in public and afraid of makings stakes. I have lived with guilt since growing up an only child due to a situation that I blame myself for but know was beyond my control. I started feeling attraction to myself at a young age after I was told that I was clinically dead at birth and had to be revived Something triggered my thought process after learning this and it has ebbed and flowed since. I am attracted to women but have never had much luck with them. I have had compliments given to me by homosexual males which has aroused me to a point buying am not attracted to guys. But I attracted to my own body. I don't like being touched and this has negatively effected relationships for me as I feel I am not worthy of someone else's affection. What is wrong with me? I would like to conquer this once and for all... Thanks for listening...Nyone else ever have a similar experience?

After rereading this post i think I was a little brief in my description. While in grade school I was repeatedly picked on and bullied and would stutter. Thankfully that disappeared. I had one same sex encounter when I was 11 with my best friend who forced himself on me and wanted to play doctor with me being a female patient. I was guilt ridden and felt ashamed for yrs and tried to repress the experience. After finally losing my virginity these thoughts dissipated. However whenever I was single I would rethink that earlier experience and developed this ongoing fantasy of having a gay male perform CPR on me. After ending a long term heterosexual relationship recently, this fantasy resurfaced and I starting online chat with a gay male who had a resus fetish. He asked if I would send a picture of my bare torso which in the heat of the moment I did. Then he said I was sexy and role played this resus scenario in which I was his patient. I became very aroused. Then he started calling me Boo and it scared me off and I never followed through and cut ties. What is wrong with me? I am attracted to females, guys don't turn me on but why does this urge/fantasy exist?