 |
| FAQ/Help |
| Calendar |
| Search |
|
Member
Member Since Oct 2012
Location: London, England, UK
Posts: 270
11 23 hugs
given |
Mar 18, 2013 at 08:01 AM
#1
I'm really, really confused. I thought I had a break through yesterday but now I'm not so sure. I'm not sure who I want to be.
I think the constant sense of rejection in my life has left with this powerful drive to be wanted and to fit in. When I reflect on my life, I feel stupid. I feel like a chameleon. I have SUCH a strong drive to fit in I'd do almost anything. I think thats part the reason I let my abuser do everything that she did. I was so young and unwanted by everyone that I'd let her abuse me at night for the attention she gave me in the day. She was the only person who ever really took me under her wing, admittedly shitly and she didnt treat me well either but she atleast treated me in some way, rather than just neglecting me completely. I don't know, I dont know how to feel towards her. I think I feel angry, more than anything but I just don't know. I want to just be myself and be happy with that, but I've buried and changed so much I dont even who know what 'myself' is. I think I'm gay, I always have thought I was. But I really struggle with being with women in a sexual way as I find it disgusting and I feel dirty after. Im not sure if this is from the past or from something else but either way thats how I feel. I really enjoy the attention up til the sexual stuff and I do like being with women. I have virtually no interest in men. Sometimes I wonder though whether the feelings I have towards woman are actually more in a longing to be cared for way. As in, because I feel like my Mum didnt want me. I want to be wanted by another woman. And its not sexual because of that. I also think this cause I tend to go for either women who act older and are the caring type or woman who actually are slightly older. I dont really get much attraction to women my age other than perhaps a slight fun element. I don't know, I'm just really messed up. Anyone care to offer an opinion from the outside looking in? __________________ 'Sometimes you have to break down, before you can build up again' |
|
 Reply With Quote
|
 Anonymous37913
|
|
Guest
Posts: n/a
|
Mar 18, 2013 at 12:47 PM
#2
I think you have to try relationships with both men and women to find your true self. Sexuality is a question that is answered by experience and not thought. Finding the answer will mean taking risks. You also seem to have a black and white view of things - being either gay or straight. There is a possibility you might be bisexual. Regardless of whether you are gay, straight or bisexual, the important thing is to find the right person, someone who loves you back as much as you love them. It doesn't matter if they are your age or older. All that matters is that both you and your partner are happy.
It sounds like you have a lot of conflicting feelings, e.g., a need for sex but feelings of disgust / dirtiness afterwards, and would benefit from talking your issues over with someone. A therapist could help with this. |
|
Reply With Quote
|
 picklewheeze
|
|
Veteran Member
Member Since Oct 2012
Location: midwest
Posts: 656
11 2 hugs
given 
|
Mar 18, 2013 at 06:53 PM
#3
Unhappy guy makes some good points.
The fact that you feel dirty and disgusting after having relations with another woman may stem from your earlier sexual abuse. Even if it doesn't enter you mind consciously, its there at least in your subconscious, and something you could discuss with a therapist. There are some people who just plain don't like sex. They may like the closeness and cuddling, but have no wish to go further than that. There is nothing wrong with that as long as it doesn't come from an unresolved problem. It sounds like you have some soul searching to do. You have your own answer, you just need to find it yourself. Sam2 |
|
|
Reply With Quote
|
|
picklewheeze
|
|
Member
Member Since Oct 2012
Location: London, England, UK
Posts: 270
11 23 hugs
given |
Mar 28, 2013 at 01:25 PM
#4
Thank you.
I've come out as bi now, and am chatting to a woman I 'ish' like. I'm just taking things slow. I definitely think things have stemmed from my childhood, I get very intrusive thoughts when engaging in any sexual activities, they make me feel disgusting and its hard to keep in the moment then I get really confused and hate myself for enjoying it and it all getsa bit crazy. Its very overwhelming and confusing. Hopefully, as it get further into my therapy I will get over it. __________________ 'Sometimes you have to break down, before you can build up again' |
|
|
Reply With Quote
|
| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
|
My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.
Linear Mode
