Re: Do I need to be in love the first time?

I made a similar post a long time ago, but I need to bring up the issue again because it's a new guy, new situation.

I've been dating this guy for nearly a month now. He lives an hour away so we've visited each other once a week since we met. Last week he came to my house and we had spaghetti and movies, and tomorrow I'm staying the night at his house.

I'm really thinking about having sex with him. I even got a brazilian wax (which I will NEVER do again) to prep myself. I feel that physically I am ready, but mentally I am not so sure. I am a virgin. Most of my thinking towards my first time is that it will end badly or I'll cry, why, because I'm a pessimist and I think of every worst case scenario.

There is nothing about him that puts me off. But I'm not sure if I am in love with him, and most people say that I should wait to be in love for it to be really special. I feel like I need to get to know him more, we haven't even made out yet, but I also would like to have sex.

So I'm stuck. Waiting can't hurt, I know that, but there's no reason for me not to besides that I feel like I don't know him well enough even though we've been dating for a month. I'm also nervous in general. It's my first time, and I don't want to regret it, but I don't see how I could regret it unless we break up or it was too soon. I feel so conflicted.

Sex is more of mental than physical. So, be sure u r prepared well mentally else it is sure that you will cry after it.

Hi Doc. lol I remember you posting the original topic...close to a year ago now, I think? lol I could've sworn this was the same topic at a glance.

Anyway, being physically ready is good, of course, but I would think the majority of it is mental, which to me sounds like you have some reservations on. I don't think you have anything to fear as far as the pessimistic outlook goes...I don't think you'd end up crying unless he was hurtful or inconsiderate of you. I don't know him well enough to call on that, but knowing you, if you're with him, I'm going to assume he's a decent enough guy. Ending badly is...subjective. Usually, one's first time, as I'm told, isn't usually a stellar, mind blowing event in the practical sense. It is, done "right" (which knowing you, you hold the prospect of your first time in the same light I hold my own, so "right" being subjective), a special occasion, and a treasured memory. It is, after all, a pretty major life milestone. But it's not as "good" in the physical sense as, say, your 15th time, simply because you don't know each other and what the other (or yourself, in some ways) desires.

But emotionally and mentally speaking, which is what you're inquiring about, you'll know when you're ready...I'd tell you that in a way (and not at all to be harsh) if you're asking us, that's a sort of indication in the negative, in its own light way. You mention that a potential detractor is you feel you don't know him well enough...why not wait, and fix that problem? Give yourself enough time to get to know him, and be sure that this is the guy you want to share this with. If he really feels for you, he'll understand, and respect your decision. If he doesn't, and it's a "problem," then I'd respectfully advise you dump his (your word here). Either way, if you have reservations, any, I advice waiting. I know an hour's distance sucks, believe me, but I don't think this is your only shot by any means.

That all being said, on the other hand, don't try to let it upset you so. Granted, that's a textbook case of the pot calling out the kettle, but while being nervous is totally normal, but try not to let it weigh so heavily on your mind. Don't plague yourself with all the negative possibilities of it. Some skepticism is great, sure, but you sound like you're worrying yourself to the point that if anything did happen when you go to see him, you'd be too upset to enjoy anything, you know? I'd tell you that once you've addressed the issue of feeling like you need to know him better, and once you can really look in the mirror and say "Hey Doc, I'm ready!", just be safe and be happy.

That's my advice, anyway...that, and of course to bring protection, be prepared just in case, etc etc. All that.

And ouch...sorry about the Brazilian. Gonna have to admit I'm not overly upset that I'll never know what those feel like. I imagine that has to suck though.

Anyway, keep us posted, and I hope things go well, however they may go.

Hugs,
Harley

sounds like it is to soon to me, but that is just me. You were just talking about not being so happy over the fact that he called you his girlfriend more or less on FB. I don't think I could sleep w/ someone after only knowing them a motnh. me and my H waited 6 mo, the first guy I slept w/ we waited 6 mo or so, and the 2 nd 3 months maybe

My only advice is that only you know when you are ready. I think sex is just as much mental as it is physical. I think if you trust him and you can see yourself spending some time with radiotherapy then you might be ready. I think the question to ask is how will sex change your relationship?

Will you feel closer to each other? Do you feel pressured? Do you want to have sex with him? Do you have means to have safe sex? Is he just after sex or does he want to be with you? I think if you feel good about the answers to those questions.

I had sex after two weeks of meeting my wife. I had some gf's before her but I never felt connected enough before to have sex. After meeting my wife it just felt right. It hard to explain, but I just new I was ready. I married her 3 years later and have been married for 5 years. I'm not saying having sex with someone means you will get married to them, but I think it would suck if you had sex and then the guy lost interest in you afterwards. Good luck and make sure it feels right to you.

We're taking it very slow. We're kissing, but still not making out. I like it this way, but I still don't know when the right time will be to have sex. He is planning on going into the air force, so I am not sure if that will be an option at all. I don't want to have sex and then have him leave for the military because I don't know how we will stay together if he's going to be gone for months at a time.

When you both feel really ready for sex, you'll both probably know. If you're all worried about it, then maybe the time's just not right yet. And if the time is never quite right with this guy, that can be sad, but it's certainly not the end of the world. Maybe that just means there is someone else you're supposed to wait for.

And I REALLY recommend talking with him about birth control before you do have sex. And using it. And if you aren't comfortable enough to talk about birth control beforehand, that's another BIG sign that this might not be the time or the person.

I do recommend waiting until it is someone very special to you. My first time was with just a friend 'cause I figured I might as well get on with it. I don't recommend that. It didn't feel very good, inside or outside.

I am on BC but I need to talk with my doctor about my meds in case of an accidental pregnancy and my options if I become pregnant.

My former supervisor, Anna, has gone through this. I think he was in combat, actually, and she did not know whether he was alive or not - something along these lines.

It was a very difficult and stressful experience and after they finally broke up, she decided to stay single for awhile and enjoy weekends with girlfriends in SF just to stay stress-free. No guys for now. She is a very pretty Korean American girl, so it is not that she would not have offers - she is just recovering from a very stressful time.

if you combine BC with condoms, you are virtually no risk for pregnancy, because the rare but possible event of BC failing is independent of the rare (less rare, but still rare) but possible event of condoms failing, and the probability of a co-occurrence of two independent events is obtained by multiplying the probabilities of each failure - whey you multiply two very small numbers, the product will be very close to zero.

agreed. Use two forms of BC. Traditional BC for no pregnancy and condoms for std's as well as extra pregnancy prevention.

When the time is right you will know. If there is any question or doubt in your mind then you are not ready.