POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING WITH MENSTRUAL TALK AND EATING DISORDER

Ever since I was a child I would play with the supposedly only boys toys, read the boys books, watch the boys shows. Sounds like a stereotype I'm sorry.

I grew up wearing non gendered clothing. Tshirts and jeans and large sweat jackets. Running shoes. Short hair. There was nothing feminine about me. I had no friends. I never understood the girls and the boys didnt accept me either.

In the past few years I've come to thinking more about gender. I've always felt wrong having a vagina. Being a woman. Being feminine didnt seem quite right.

But I came to become such. Makeup, long hair, jewelry, skirts, high heels, sexy low cut tops, etc.

Though I'm still conflicted. I don't mind my boobs most days, but the thought of having a vagina still disgusts me. I hate getting my period. I'm disgusted by the idea of carrying eggs, getting pregnant, giving birth, having a child.

Bleeding from down there horrifies me. Sometimes I imagine ripping out my uterus with a knife. I was ecstatic when I lost my period during the height of my disordered eating.

I've started skipping my placebo week for my birth control. I'm on my period now this month as I needed a refill and didnt get it in time. Which brings this all up for me again.

It's come back to no makeup, tshirts and jeans. I don't feel feminine. I imagine what it's like to have a penis. Not inside me, but instead of a vagina.

I switch between feminine and not feminine depending how gendered I feel. Sometimes I feel wrong dressing as a woman. I feel like a fraud.

This is just stressing me out. I think too much. I have horrific thoughts about it and I disgust myself with the bleeding.

I wanted to get this out and was looking for any advice.

[Confusedinomicon]

If your period is the most distressing part of your dysphoria you can look into getting a hysterectomy. This will prevent you from getting pregnant etc.

You could also experience "gender-fluid" phenomenon.

Genderfluid; "an identity under the nonbinary, genderqueer and transgender umbrellas. Fluid gender individuals move between two or more different gender identities or expressions at different times or in different situations."

Now, this one may seem more complicated. I like to break it down in terms of comparing it to sexuality (please do not think I am at all comparing or undermining genderfluid people with this example).
A gay person is attracted to the same sex and gender as themselves.
A bisexual person is attracted to both male and female (binary) people.
A pansexual person is attracted to all gender expressions and identities.

Genderfluidity can be viewed as "pangender". As these individuals do not identify as one, but many, gender identities or none at all. They move between all (or some) genders happily and comfortable with doing so.

Original thread: http://forums.psychcentral.com/sexua...nder-mean.html

I think that talking to a therapist who specializes in gender therapy would help you find a happy medium so your body reflects how you feel on the inside. There is nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable about what you were given at birth. It happens sometimes.

Thoughts just keep spinning in my head and I can't stand my breasts the more I read about genderfluid the more I want to bind them and hide them away.

I'm large breasted but I managed to find a good sports bra I had around and with another non forming bra my breasts are quite flattened. It could be flatter but it's the best I can do and I'm just so happy right now.

I'm back to the loose non gender specific clothes with slightly bound breasts and I'm so happy. I feel good today.

My period has stopped so that stress is dissipating.

Next time I get a chance I want to buy better sports bras and some men's clothing.

I don't feel feminine right now. Not really. I feel masculine and happy with that.

Thank you for introducing me to the concept of genderfluid. I don't feel so alone now.

It is very traumatic to be in a body that does not meet the desires of our inner thoughts and selves. Fortunately, you are able to meet some of those desires by changing the way the dress and by taking medications. Still, I know the feeling, those things are often not enough. And, frankly, hating our bodies is no way to live a happy life.

Have you considered making friends who have the same or similar issues, e.g., lesbian or bi-sexual friends? It sounds like you could benefit from their support and friendship. You need to meet others who feel as you feel and who understand you. I wish you all the best.

[Grey Matter]

It's a horrible feeling, and I am sorry you're going through it, lalalabp. Menstrual cycles are THE WROST when it comes to dysphoria. Everything feels wrong, you feel wrong, and the anxiety it brings... I'd like to never go through it again.

It sounds like your binding in the most safe way possible. Please, PLEASE do not bind with an ace bandage, tape, etc. They cause rib fractures and deformation of the chest wall and it's all so dangerous. They do have FtM binders (gender fluid people use them too, I am genderqueer and I use mine) but they are expensive. There are things called Binder Exchanges where binders are donated and sent discretely to people who are in need of them. If you'd like, I'll look into an open one right now and provide you with a link.

If you ever need to talk gender stuff, I'm here to vent too. Please take care.

Originally Posted by Teen Idle

It's a horrible feeling, and I am sorry you're going through it, lalalabp. Menstrual cycles are THE WROST when it comes to dysphoria. Everything feels wrong, you feel wrong, and the anxiety it brings... I'd like to never go through it again.

It sounds like your binding in the most safe way possible. Please, PLEASE do not bind with an ace bandage, tape, etc. They cause rib fractures and deformation of the chest wall and it's all so dangerous. They do have FtM binders (gender fluid people use them too, I am genderqueer and I use mine) but they are expensive. There are things called Binder Exchanges where binders are donated and sent discretely to people who are in need of them. If you'd like, I'll look into an open one right now and provide you with a link.

If you ever need to talk gender stuff, I'm here to vent too. Please take care.

Don't worry about the binder exchange. I live with other people who always pry about my mail and they don't know anything about these issues I'm having. It would just be too awkward too soon. Thanks for the offer though.

I actually found a better sports bra and bought it. It's amazing how much it just compresses everything. It makes me so happy.

And I don't understand how people use ACE bandages or tape. I mean maybe if you have smells breasts but gravity is my enemy and tape would not hold my breasts lol.

Thanks for the reply.

[Grey Matter]

The sports bras from Old Navy are really really good for compression, I've learned. It doesn't flatten me out completely (and I am small. Like. A-cup small) but it does the trick with the clothes I wear and such.

I'm not your if you are transgender or woman problem takes toll on you...

Most of us hate periods and discomfort associated with them. Yours could also be one such case.

In world there do exists transgender people, those whose mind and bodies aren't in sync. I'm not expert to tell you what could be the reason. I'll pray for your mental peace and well being.

[moneymaker360]

Well you seem to have trans traits, now if you could choose would you be a male or a female. Better question is this cut your hair keep your eyebrows unkempt use axe, etc. And see how you feel after doing this for a month also wear a binder after one month if you feel you want alllll of that then you are probably trans and should see a psych. About it more specific a gender specialist.

[Grey Matter]

You guys, you don't need to be 100% anything. Trans* isn't two things. It is a spectrum, and when handled and respected, it is completely healthy. I don't think someone has to be either male or female for a month to see if it's a "phase". Some trans* people never transition physically, because they are comfortable that way. I've never taken hormones, I dress how I feel, and that's that. I think the most I did was training my already androgynous voice to be more androgynous.

There is no right or wrong here, it's an individualized process. There is no "you're probably trans*" or "maybe you're trans*".

[unfuntionablytired]

i just want to know, if you hate having a vagina and like being masculine, would you be attracted to a woman with a vagina which you hate if you were a guy? or be attracted to males regardless? my relate-ability only goes as far as being an outcast and former tomboy , but im truly just curious. good luck either way and i hope you figure things out and find a way to be more comfortable in your skin.

Originally Posted by retardgirl

i just want to know, if you hate having a vagina and like being masculine, would you be attracted to a woman with a vagina which you hate if you were a guy? or be attracted to males regardless? my relate-ability only goes as far as being an outcast and former tomboy , but im truly just curious. good luck either way and i hope you figure things out and find a way to be more comfortable in your skin.

I'm not really picky about sexual orientation. It doesn't really matter to me. I'm more attracted to the male form, but I'm not too particular.

For myself physically I feel at times that I do not feel right as having a vagina. I always felt almost like having this phantom penis if that makes sense...

[Grey Matter]

It makes perfect sense to me.