[browneyesblue]

Hi,
just like the title says. I've been with my bf for 3 years. We've had a rollercoster ride through a lot of things. We've got thru most of it because we want to be together. The problem here is not that we don't love each other anymore, we do, and we still wanna be together.
But our sex life has just gone on strike or something.

Over the years i've been quite insecure with my physical appearance and all esp my height(he thinks i'm too short for him), i'm not his type, i'm flat chested, small butt and i'm short. And he doesn't like kissing me.
(we just don't match in this area) But i've overcome this issue and dealt with it better for a long time now.

Anyhow, for the passed year (his words) he has expressed that he like me less, he has lost interest in me and our sex life. But he wants to work it out, just dont know how.
Our sex life is the main issue that I want suggestions from you guys, he was my first - and at the beginning we were head over heels and always in the bedroom, it was really good for the first 2 years or maybe a year and a half. But then real life just barge in and things just lessen and changed. (esp in the bedroom)

But he's still very affectionate like before, with the cuddles and holding hands and all. Just the sex life that has kinda vanished. Its like sex is never on his mind anymore, which i know its not true, cos he's a very sexual guy. I know he's still able to think about other girls(porn stars or models) in that way.
But he just doesn't think about sex with me in it.

And now i'm starting to get really insecure again because I want to have sex and he doesn't even express that he wants to, or ever gets horny with me.
We showered together and its just like my body is unattractive and it doesn't turn him on at all.
I consider getting my breast done(no budget tho). I wanted to do it for myself too.
And I think he's the kind of person who won't notice a change or get excited if he doesn't see the a change that is concrete, like if its just a hair color change he would like say oh.. ok pretty.. and then no reaction after that.

I don't know what to do.
I'm losing hope a little.
How do I make him want me again?( and pls don't say, 'give each other space for a while maybe he'll miss me' - we did that, didn't work. We misses each other but it doesn't create sexual attraction between him and i.)

Help pls

[kaliope]

so have you tried the sexy lingere, maybe watching a porn movie with him, some adult toys, massage, etc.......something to spice up the evening?

There's a myriad of things you can do but to be honest I think until you get a handle on your self esteem issues it may all feel a bit...well, forced. I think feeling a bit happier in yourself will reflect in the confidence you have towards him and your relationship. How you do this is something only you can really figure out - for some people it comes through achievement, for other's it's about having more fun and letting go etc.

If you think you can wing it, even for a little while, maybe role play is a good suggestion - it would give you the chance to be in a second skin for a while and it may well meet the demands of your partner a bit better as well.

I have to say though, if he's openly critical of you frequently then this is something that will also need addressing. How can he expect you to be more relaxed and experimental around him if his attitude is unhelpful? Just a thought.

If this is more a case of being bored with regular sexual experiences, maybe prostate massage would be something to consider? This is something I suggest you talk about thoroughly though and do as much research as you can.

Good luck.

[Angel of Bedlam]

You should know first that you are wonderful as you are. Even if you aren't his exact type (which I've been told by exes before, it can sting), you have to believe you're beautiful. Insofar as sparking his interest, have you considered maybe getting some sexy pics taken and leaving them randomly for him to find (My boyfriend's cousin is a professional photographer and basically takes risque PG-13 pics)? Men are visual and if he sees you dressed up in sexually lingere in a photo where you're feeling confident and sexy, this may help him to remember that and hopefully ambush you when he gets home.

[vans1974]

I totally agree with angel, in that you have to believe you're beautiful, then naturally, all the other ideas and suggestions will work wonders! Best of luck!!

[danvb]

browneyesblue...

Don't try to guess why he's not feeling the way you want him to feel towards you. Don't try to do things you think might cause him to be attracted again. Don't change anything about yourself. You are who you are and that is a beautiful thing. Seriously, you are. There is nothing wrong with you. You are doing nothing wrong.

Now, having said all that... I have to ask you, how well do you two communicate? No, I'm not talking about conversations. I'm talking about sharing a connection. Sex isn't about how you look or what you do. It's about what's going on in your head. It's about what's going on in his head. THAT is what makes sex amazing. It's sharing the most intimate thing you can with another person... Not your body, but your true thoughts, desires, fantasies, fears, wants, needs... and all of the other things that go into making you who you are. If you and your boyfriend can actually share with each other and communicate on that level, then the chance of finding happiness again is greatly enhanced. The only way you can know what's going on in your boyfriends head is to get him to talk about it. But, communication is not just about talking. It's about listening too. You will need to actively LISTEN to both what he is saying and to the things he is feeling but not yet able to talk about. Be patient with each other and never say or do anything that might make your partner want to shut down and stop sharing. Don't interrupt. When it comes to communicating with your partner, I think one of the most important things a person can do is to be absolutely genuine... not hurtful, but true to your own emotions, sense of self and values. Never say or do anything that you don't believe in or feel.

I'm pretty sure that you're wondering, "so, what the heck does this all REALLY have to do with reviving our sex life?"...

Think of it this way... What would make having sex with your boyfriend so much better than having sex with someone you didn't know? The physical act is generally pretty much the same... so, that wouldn't be the reason. The biggest difference is in how you both feel about each other, what you both THINK about your partner and most importantly, the connection you both feel with each other. THAT is what makes sex great. It the intimate, soul touching connection you share with the human being you Love.

Sexy clothes, pornography, role playing and the likes mean NOTHING if you aren't BOTH feeling the same connection. Frankly, I'm pretty sure that if you attempted to dress up sexy or to act sexier than you normally do, he'd most likely feel pressured to perform in a way that he might not feel like doing. That causes resentment, anger and can lead to a further distancing from one another.

Like I said, don't GUESS what's wrong. Don't try to fix something that you know nothing about. Communicate! Find out what's wrong and work TOGETHER to make your relationship stronger! Until that happens, I fear you'll only frustrate yourself further by trying to do things that are, frankly, counterproductive.

I don't know if what I said here helps in any way, but it's the best I can do. My wife and I have been incredibly happy in our 39 year marriage. We communicate, we are connected and, (hopefull not too much information here), our sex life has been wonderful from the very first day we were together, but it's as good now or, actually, even better than it was when we were in our 20's. We're in our 60's now...

I wish you happiness and fulfillment in the connection with your significant other.

Dan

[danvb]

Oh, one other thing...(yeah, more stuff...)

About your appearance. Well, I'd venture to say that MOST women have some sort of insecurity about some aspect of their appearance. Heck, I know a woman who was absolutely gorgeous. In fact, she was a model. But ya know what? She didn't like her breasts. She thought her thighs were too big...

So, you aren't alone in this crazy society we live in.

But the thing is, appearance doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah, yeah... I can hear you objecting to THAT silly statement!!! But honestly, when it comes to the one you Love, it just doesn't.

In the years that my wife and I have been together we've both gotten a bit pudgier, a lot older looking, grayer and more wrinkled. But that's all just window dressing. I HONESTLY don't see my wife any different NOW than I did when I first fell in Love with her. I Love the person that is my wife. The package she comes in just doesn't matter one whit. Even the most beautiful 20-year-old person looks different with age. I know I certainly do. But I'm basically the same person now that I've always been. My wife is the same.

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is this: When you truly Love someone, you accept them JUST as they are. I don't feel the need to change my wife in ANY way, shape or form. I Love her for who she is, AS she is. No changes necessary.

[ilive4music]

Originally Posted by Angel of Bedlam

You should know first that you are wonderful as you are. Even if you aren't his exact type (which I've been told by exes before, it can sting), you have to believe you're beautiful. Insofar as sparking his interest, have you considered maybe getting some sexy pics taken and leaving them randomly for him to find (My boyfriend's cousin is a professional photographer and basically takes risque PG-13 pics)? Men are visual and if he sees you dressed up in sexually lingere in a photo where you're feeling confident and sexy, this may help him to remember that and hopefully ambush you when he gets home.

I agree with Angel! If you dont love yourself, no one else will. Try spicing things up..by changing your hair style, buying new clothes, new perfume....maybe watching porn together?

I just dont like the idea that he says he is not interested in you, but still wants to work out. I dont get it?

[lightinthesky]

It is strange that he tells you that he doesn't want you just like that. It would hurt anyone.
I know it can be hard to admire yourself and your body, I know because I am not tall either and my bra is far from cup C, but you have got to start loving yourself. If you dont, why the others should? Maybe start with small things, like take long baths with some aroma oils, use body lotions that smells amazing! It will make you feel better, use your favorite perfume before you go to bed, take care of your hair even if your are off work tomorrow! Maybe go to spa salon every week, sometimes we need to fix something inside us in order to feel better outside.
About sex.. your bf gotta stop talking to you like you are a robot. You have feelings. Maybe you should go away, sleep in a different room/bed. Maybe you need to have a lil fight, make up sex is always the best make a rule for yourself and always wear nice underwear when you go to bed, something different. Play with each other, take your time when you are having sex, show him you love his body.

Sent from my SM-N9005 using Tapatalk

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by browneyesblue

Over the years i've been quite insecure with my physical appearance and all esp my height(he thinks i'm too short for him), i'm not his type, i'm flat chested, small butt and i'm short. And he doesn't like kissing me.
(we just don't match in this area)

You are not using the right words - you should think of yourself as petite rather than short (unless you are short but very fat, but with a small butt I doubt that you are). Does "petite" make it better?

Many men like and cherish petite women. I think you should leave the guy and wait for somebody who will not tell you that you are not his type. Plus, not kissing...

I would recommend that you leave him, slowly rebuild self-esteem, and then, with luck, a better man will appear on your horizon. You are too young to be trying all of those things to attract him back. You have no children together - what are you fighting for? If I were in a situation that a man I am with cannot get it up without watching porn together (I have never been in such a situation so I am writing about it as a hypothetical), I would promptly exit the ship, unless there were some OVERWHELMING reasons to try and work it out. I just do not see any sort of an overwhelming reason in your post, nor do you appear to love the guy, which, again, speaks for separation, as far as I can see.

The earlier you exit, the earlier you will start regaining your self-confidence, and that, as noted above, will be projected and help attract better male specimens.